What a weekend! I had so much going on this last weekend and such little energy to accomplish it all on. Whew! All in all it ended well, but it was a struggle. The truth is, I feel like I might be having a bit of an identity crisis. I didn’t have the words to explain it before, but I finally realized what was going on late Saturday night. There I was, surrounded by my nearest and dearest for the opening of J’s directorial debut and should have been having a blast, joking around and celebrating life, but I felt disconnected. It was like I wasn’t actually there but somehow watching it on television. I felt very far removed from myself and my friends. I was physically present, but mentally I was just trying to maintain composure.
I have said before that sometimes it helps to fake it until you “make it” but in this case, I couldn’t even fake it. I couldn’t even muster what it is that allows me to do my job even when I feel like dead ass. Nope. I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know that anyone else noticed my off behavior, but it felt obvious, palpable even, to me. Thank the stars my fella was with me the whole time, I must have crushed his hand with my grip of anxiety. I just didn’t want to be around people. All I wanted in the world was to hide away somewhere with my guy, alone. This is very strange for me, but it’s an urge I’ve been having more and more lately. After the show I waited to see everyone again but soon said my goodbyes and left. I just couldn’t deal with it all.
Earlier that day we were at a mall and I felt the same way only worse. I just felt overwhelmed and super sad all of a sudden. I didn’t know how to articulate how I was feeling or what I needed. I hate when this happens and it’s been happening more and more, well, on the weekend. Why is that? Am I becoming a weekend introvert? Is that possible? Not that I’m trying to socialize much during the work week, hardly! Ha! But I don’t know what this new anxiety BS is. Not Fun! My sweet guy does his best but when I can’t communicate it makes it difficult for us both. 🙁
When I finally put a finger on it I tried to explain it to him the next morning. All of the things I have tied my identity to in the past are basically gone. Most of the stuff I liked to do or was involved in or the people I used to hang out with, I just don’t anymore. My activism, many of my friends, even this blog…I’m just not as engaged and I don’t know where or if I fit in anywhere anymore. He smiled at me and grabbed my hand and said, “Oh Sarah, that’s how I feel everyday around people.” And I know he’s being honest. I guess I never knew what it actually feels like for him in that way. So yesterday we stuck a bit closer to our respective homes and played with the puppy a whole lot and I took him (the bf, not the puppy) to Walmart for the first time (upon request).
The weather was glorious! Which was beyond lovely, I think I really needed some sunshine. Not to rub it in folks faces, I know Californians are super spoiled when it comes to weather. But it was exceptionally nice and I spent much of my weekend sleeveless! (I really should have taken pics.) Sleeveless…In March?! Ridiculous! But we’re also in an awful drought and conservation is on everyone’s minds. Plus there was a 6.9 earthquake last night. I’m doubting folks are jealous of that part. Ha! It’s funny because I have heard people say California’s not habitable because of the heat and earthquakes but the truth is we have earthquakes all of the time and I’ve rarely felt them. I’ll take those over tornadoes and hurricanes any day! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a baby when it comes to any extreme weather or temperatures, though.
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better today, though I sort of have to considering work stuff and all. My coworker has some awesome oldies going which is helping my mood tremendously! Ahhh music! Always the best medicine! I’m mostly just tired, though I still have the lingering feeling of wanting to hide myself away. I don’t know that there is anything I should do or would want to do to “fix” such feelings. I think for now I’ll be mindful of them and not push myself too hard to break out of it and see where that takes me. I do have plans to see one friend today (yay!) and girl time on Saturday for pedicures. Woot!
I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that this post finds you in good spirits. I know this time of year can be difficult, especially if bad weather has been keeping you cooped up. *Hugs* You’re not alone! And if you just need an unbiased ear, hit me up: firstname.lastname@example.org