NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Stop Minimizing You

March24

“Everyone is done a disservice when we try to cram our vibrancy into tiny packages to make others more comfortable with our presence.”

The above quote was from an article on elephant journal about how to be an aggressive bitch that people still wanna be around. Ha! Yeah, that spoke to me, but truly, the quoted sentence above spoke volumes! It can be taken both metaphorically and literally/physically. I catch myself often minimizing my own accomplishments, talents and skills. As a recovering anorexic, I know all too well what it felt like to live my entire life in the shadow of the smaller body I ached to achieve. I know that life and myself is a work in progress. This is a journey that I am on, not a destination. 

So, how did I get from minimizing and hiding my sparkle to owning that shit and having a big blue (70’s style) sticker that reads, “Bad Ass” on the back of my car? (Ha-ha!) A little help from my friends, a lot of self work and self care and trusting in the process. Learning to be comfortable in my own skin and allowing myself to be vulnerable, even when it hurts and I have to call a friend in tears to talk me through it. You don’t have to do things alone, it helps to have confidants but even if you don’t have ’em, you’re not alone! People do care and even if you think they don’t, well, I fucking care and there isn’t a thing you can do about it! 😉
 
I know so many amazing people struggling right now with personal issues. It always feels so much worse than it really is when you’re in the thick of it. It feels like the sky is falling…on top of you, crushing you. I know. It sucks! But knowing that each day is a new one and that you will never have the moment you’re living in right now ever again can help show you the light on the other-side of your obstacle. You’re not alone! You need only to reach out and someone (me: notblueatall@notblueatall.com) will be there to grasp your hand and offer their shoulder and ear and just witness what you’re dealing with. Sometimes I think that is hardest of all and yet so very necessary. 
 
Admitting you’re not happy, just that simple thing, is so tough. I think women especially struggle with this because we’re sort of programmed from a very early age to put on a good face for the world. To pretend, if you will, that everything is right in the world even when we’re screaming in agony on the inside. Many of us have mental illnesses that prevent us from living the life we think we’re supposed to, whether or not it’s the one we actually want to live. Often we think what we’ve always been told is what we want, but if we dig deeper, if we simplify, then we’ll see that isn’t so. 
 
How do we find and create the life we truly want? Think about it often. Picture it often. Dream of it and wish on it and hope and pray and share it, too. When all that you want consumes your waking thoughts the ways in which it can be created become possible to you. That may sound like a bunch of positive thinking hokum, and maybe it is, but it has worked and helped me immensely. I only know my own lived experience. I know that when I was depressed and suffering the worst of my PTSD symptoms I couldn’t see the sun in the sky, let alone the possibility that I deserved to live a life of my own choosing. 16 years later and I never could have imagined how happy I am now. 
 
If you’re a goal setter, set goals! If you’re a list maker, make a damned list! Do what works…for you! Don’t worry or give a second thought to anyone else, this is your life and this is for you. Sometimes taking the reigns on your own life can be difficult and painful and certainly not something to be taken too lightly. You may lose relationships of all sorts. You  may feel the need to start over entirely. It’s okay! It’s your journey! You get to do whatever the fuck you want! Woo hoo!
 
Don’t settle because you think you have to. Knowing your own value and owning it is about doing you, 100%! I still struggle with that whole wanting people to like me thing, but I’m getting better at letting that shit go. It’s not easy! Whoa! In my new job (as Director of Happiness) I struggled a lot at first, desperately trying to find my footing in a large company. But I soon realized that I am here to make folks happy, to assist and support, to make their lives easier. It wasn’t about me and that was a relief! Ha-ha! Two months in and people do like me and I had no say in that. I just did what I do best and the right people gravitated to me. That is how life should be.
 
Terrible things happen in the world, often to really great people. It is not their fault, these things happen. But we have a choice in how we react and how we can recover and heal from it. We have to be kind to ourselves first, we must be patient and trust in ourselves. When something doesn’t feel right, trust that feeling and explore it. Things can only get worse when we ignore our own instincts. Ask yourself why you’re feeling XYZ about ABC and act accordingly. Only you know what is right for you and no one can do that for you. 
 
Don’t diminish the brilliant and multi-faceted individual that you are. Let your personal sparkle shine! Be silly! Smile for no reason and just be you! It’s funny because I have been told nearly everyday of my life, “Sarah, smile!” and I fucking hated that shit so much! It made me angry and bitter. It was a burden to me and it didn’t have to be. Now it is a rare occasion for someone to tell me to smile. Mostly because I do so naturally and spontaneously and hey, only I know why! Now when someone says it I say, “After you!” Or heck, I’ll throw a big cheesy one their way and a hair flip, too! Fuck it! 
 
My point is that how we feel about ourselves, and how we show others how we feel about ourselves, directly impacts our individual quality of life. It just does. It shows in our body language and posture and on our faces and expressions. It’s the reason you can spot a fake smile versus a real one 99% of the time. So why waste the effort on faking it? Spend that energy on you. You deserve it and the life you’ve dreamt of. Feel it, explore it and just be it. 
 
<3
S
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