Here’s a little tip for anyone, pretty much anywhere: People want to feel special. Period. That’s it! People just want to feel that they count, that they matter or are important to someone. That is all. No need for lavish gifts or big displays. If you want to maintain a relationship, any kind, just find ways to make that person feel special. Let them know you are listening to them, let them know you care, let them know they matter to you and often!
I am having all of these realizations lately, as one might in my situation, and in these realizations I’m discovering patterns. It seems life is made up of them. Behavioral patterns, patterns in the choices we make the struggles we face and even the things we say. It occurred to me today on my drive home (or should I say crawl – traffic), all I’ve ever wanted was to feel truly special to someone. To anyone, I suppose. I have done my best, my worst, my most daring of things all in the name of love and friendship. To know someone has your back and would take a bullet for you without thinking is to know that you mean the world to them! That is a special bond. When it starts to rain and your first thought is a friend’s need for new wiper blades and your concern for their safety? That is special!
I believed myself to be the star of a Cinderella story for much of my childhood. I would sing and dance with a broom in our cracked carport and wish and hope and dream of being saved. No one has ever saved me from anything (okay, maybe from myself a few times, thanks ladies). But certainly no man has ever saved me. While in a five year and very abusive relationship, I always held onto a single hope of a very specific ex-boyfriend coming to rescue me. Little did I know that it would end up being his little brother that would save my life and give me a new lease on it, too! Life is funny that way. You think you know what you want or need and then the universe throws something new into the mix and them WHAM! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
That’s where I’m at now. Seeing things in a new light and in unique ways. I am facing things I never imagined I would. I am in a state of constant flux. The hormonal state I’m in ain’t helping matters, but I’ve been “told” to ride it out and allow myself this emotional period. And so I shall. The truth is, I’ve been “on my own” for a week and it feels like three! Everything feels out of whack! I feel like a stranger, everywhere! Like I’m in an old episode of the Twilight Zone! Few things feel familiar and even what does I have come to question. Even and perhaps especially my own heart. What seemed like the only thing that mattered to me two and three weeks ago seems so distant and strange to me now. It’s hard to explain.
What hasn’t changed are those closest and dearest to me. Their love and support never cease to ground me and humble me and make me feel special. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted. Every birthday and Valentine’s day and whatever ya got in between…I’ve only tasted that feeling a few times and for only a few fleeting moments, but to know them is to only want more! To crave and ache for that feeling again. To be so caught up in joy or pleasure or whatever and just get carried away! To forget time and space! To lose yourself completely! I know I’ll have that again, I must! But I can’t wait to be saved. I once wrote on my live journal about being my own Prince Charming. How it was only when I trusted and accepted and loved myself inside and out that I could find happiness. I’m not there right now, but I’m trying. I see a glimmer and a glimpse every now and then of what I could be and do. I see the potential in me and the obstacles in my way but the solutions and opportunities so rarely align. And when we question ourselves and our own abilities we can become our own worst enemies.
I don’t want to be my own worst enemy again or ever. I want to grow. I want to experience and taste and see it all! I want to lose myself in a moment and get carried away so completely that time and space slip away and I give not a thought to the world around me. I want to be the most amazing me I can be. And I will, eventually. I have to take it day by day. Even when those days suck and I feel like I can’t take it anymore (looking at you, yesterday *StinkEye*). I must keep a fire in my heart to fuel my deepest passions so that I’ll never forget or lose them again. Music, art, fat liberation and equality for all! Those are what drive me. These are my core.
No matter what is in flux in my life, one thing won’t change and that’s my core beliefs. I could never go back to hating my body. I could never go back to hating myself period! It seems so absurd to me now. I may question my sanity and choices and emotions, but I can’t hate myself again. I wasted far too much time on that bullshit! It ain’t ever worth it! Life is to be lived, not suffered through. And oh how I suffered! I wallowed and despaired and would dwell on my misery until there was nothing left but an empty husk of my former, vibrant self. It’s a shame. But I won’t make that mistake again! There will be pain and there will be hardships, always. But I will learn from them and I will grow stronger and wiser and rise above the crap of our society and live the most authentic life I possibly can.
Why shouldn’t I? Because I’m fat? Because I’m 34 (old in some circles)? Because I’m a woman? Because I’m a “social tool without a use?” Fuck all of that! I am me, nothing more and nothing less and I am fucking awesome! If anyone can’t see that then they can’t see me! And I’m hoping you’re feeling the same way! Woo hoo to us! <3