NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Self-Discovery

October31

Step into the fire of self discovery.

This fire will not burn you,

it will only burn what you are not.

~Mooji

When I saw a fabulous friend post this to their Facebook it really resonated with me. YES! This! So much this! Oh my glob!!! I remember being terrified to show my true self to folks, that is, until I knew who my true self was! I think we all fool ourselves into thinking a certain way about who we are or how we’re perceived. Bollocks to that! Psshht! Such time wasted on giving too many shits about what others think and fretting over silly things. The pain I caused myself over such fears and losses due to them.

It wasn’t until I stepped outside of my comfort zone, again and again, that I found what mattered most: me. Oh sure, some will wag their fingers and say such notions are selfish. Shut up! You must first find and know and love yourself before others can know and love you properly. I say properly because it’s not that we aren’t loved, but often I think we accept what’s given rather than question or insist on what we really need. Even voicing what we really need in our lives is difficult. When you really come into your own and know your truest self, you realize that what you want isn’t “too much” or “too demanding” or “having too high expectations”.

Actually, can we talk about the “too ____” for a moment? I’m so sick of hearing that anyone is too anything! I’m not too fat or too femme or too silly or too sassy or too anything and neither are you! No one seems to be calling out the fuckers who are too rude! When you let those people go, or kick ’em straight out the door of your life, you’ll see that you can feel more fully you. Are there people in your life that when you spend time with them you get very tense, even if you think you enjoy their company? We all have them. I didn’t realize just how tense someone made me until we parted company and I let my shoulders fall back down to where they belong. Wow! Yeah, physically and emotionally very tense. No thanks.

So what is the point? Why keep folks around who really do you no good? Why have friends who stress you out or bring you down? I think we all have been guilty of wanting to help someone or be there for them, especially if we feel that they may not have someone else to do that for them. To this I ask  you what you are getting out of it? If you can’t answer then perhaps it’s time to part ways. I’m not trying to pitch battles here, only letting you know that relationships of all natures should be somehow mutually beneficial.

The friendships we cultivate as adults are and should be very different than the ones we created as kids. We need different things and live different lifestyles. So why isn’t it more plain to see that we would require a different type of friendship standard than elementary school? I think for me a big part of finally questioning this dynamic was about drawing a line in how I will allow people in my life to treat me. Once someone crossed that line I would let them know and give them the opportunity to do better. If they chose (and it is always a choice) to continue to treat me poorly, then they no longer received the privilege of having me in their life.

Your company, your friendship, your love and kindness and support is a privilege! We need to start acting accordingly! I don’t know why I have to keep being reminded of my value and abilities, but I do and I think it’s important that we remind each other. Let those you love and care about know their value to you. Remind them, and yourself, that we need each other and we have to work together to make things work better for all of us. I have seen for myself the immense difference having not only the right people in my life but more so the right people in the right roles in my life. It really is like a giant puzzle!

When you cheer up a friend or let them know they matter to you, give yourself that same little nugget of love. Remember that you are of no use to others if you’re not doing right by you, too! I know that staying mindful of how I feel in a given moment takes effort, but if I let that slide, often so much more slides, too. Taking care of what I need to and staying open to changes is where I’m at now. I’ve been so tired this week and things are slowing down at work or in my personal life. I’m grateful for both, but it also means that if I don’t have the energy to fold and put my clean laundry away? So be it.

When we come close to the flames we think are dangerous or scary and run away before exploring where things can lead we are denying ourselves the opportunity to leaner more about ourselves and the world. This is the spice of life! I want my life to have some adventure, ya know? I want some unexpected twists and turns and smiles and wonder, too! I don’t want the scripted or abridged or child proofed version, give me the whole enchilada, heartache and all! That is when I learn the most, when I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I love that!

I know it’s Halloween/Samhain and I wish you all a happy one. But let’s get real here, shall we? Because this is a candy-centric day (in the USA anyway). With a focus on candy there will also be talk of calories and good/bad foods and mentions of holidays and “cutting back” and all of that garbage and nonsense. There are people who will judge us based solely on our looks, our size, our age and other meaningless rubbish. You do not have to let them get you down. You know better than they do what you are capable of! You can choose to not let it get to you and to rise above or shake it off or whatever works for you. Just stay true to you.

Today at work I saw firsthand that moment every woman feels at some point when interacting with men. It was so familiar when it happened I nearly laughed, though it’d been awhile since I noticed or gave it much thought. When a guy must interact with you yet obviously only looks through you as your appearance is of no use/value to them…THAT! *EpicEyeRoll* I don’t care if someone finds me fuckable! And when I’m at work? Whoa! I super don’t care what you think of the way I look or the size of my glorious ass! Check yourself and your privilege, dude-bro! Nobody gives two shits about you and I am doing a job, here, so stay the fuck outta my way! Ahem!

Mind you, there’s a video shoot happening at work this week, too and a whole crew of guys who keep eyeing and smiling at me (not that I mind), but at least they are polite about it! Be professional, ya know? Oh well. Male privilege ain’t going anywhere soon and so we just gotta do the best we can with what we’ve got. One step out of line? Oh yeah, I’ll be thrown’ down the hammer! (What does that even mean?!) I can’t wait to get off work tonight anyway. I placed an online order with PF Chang’s and going to grab some H-Ween candy on my way home and tuck in for the night on my own. Woo! Hope I find the time to do my nails (and sit still long enough for them to dry this time Ha-ha).

I wish you a safe and happy one.

<3
S

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