I had a really good day yesterday. It was such a relief to just not feel horrifically insecure and mega sad. I felt pretty good for the entire day. I looked awesome, too, by the way. Hey, gotta celebrate those little things, man. For real! I had a great time with my boyfriend. We had dinner, I bought an Adventure Time video game for my DS and then tried to catch the last of the Persied meteor shower but sort of failed. I mean, it’s hella hard to get away from the city lights where I’m at and I tried but it didn’t work out so well. Just the same, I did get to see one big, brilliant and beautiful meteor/shooting star and I got so excited I will admit I may have done a little dance…but it was dark, so no one can be certain. 😉
So, then I got to thinking that I didn’t want to go back to feeling like crap again. In fact I was fucking done with that shit all together! DONE!!! I finally felt like me today, for the most part (okay, some insecurities peeked out a bit with the bf, but I’m working on that), and I thought to myself, “Holy shit! It’s only Monday?!” and what the week ahead looked like for me and it gave me pause, dude. I mean, I have a huge swath of time ahead of me with nothing to do except applying to jobs and a lot of fucking waiting. I hate waiting! I haven’t been writing as much as I like or really need to and I was sitting here wondering why that is, depression aside and all.
I popped onto my tumblr to see what all the rad fatties are up to and I got caught up in some cute pics and things as usual but then I came across some cool art blogs (see above and below gifs lol) and I was inspired. Why have I not been doing more for myself? Why have I been squandering away all of this free time? My first thought was, “Duh! You’re poor as fuck!” but you know what? Libraries are fucking free and awesome! Parks, too! In fact, there’s tons of free stuff I can do on my own during the day that I just plain old forgot about. I need to do these things now before I do get a job and wish I’d done them.
My plans for this week are now going to be getting the fuck out of my house! I want to go to the Pulgas Water Temple because I love it there so much. It’s only open from 9-4 M-F and no one can ever go because of that silly schedule, but I can! I always feel at peace there. I feel more grounded and just calm there. I think it’s the nature and the sound of the water. I always have to take pictures and guess what? I love to take pictures! I’m going to take lots of pictures this week! No matter what I do, pictures will be taken! So, next will be a library or two. Because I enjoy nothing more than randomly grabbing a book of poetry and seeing if something grabs or tickles me (I could use some grabbing and tickling these days Ha-ha!).
I already took my last minute date cancellations this past weekend as a gift of time for much needed home manicure and pedicure that was long over due. Next I’ll dig into my mini stash of face masks to see if I can’t get some pores cleaned and stress reduced (or so say the packets). I will also set a reminder on my phone each day to make sure that I’m eating at minimum two meals per day. I cannot count the number of days I have eaten one meal or less and how that makes me feel physically and mentally. No more! No thanks! That is not who I want to be and I need to take some control over this food avoidance thing before it really gets out of hand.
I will try out my fucking bicycle, dammit! There is a fatty bike meet up this weekend that I’d wanted to go to, but I haven’t actually ridden my bike since I bought it and while it has new inner tubes and all, I am not certain that the seat is comfortable enough to ride it. I will do this. I will test it out, even if it’s only in my driveway. My fear of this is ridiculous and I need to face it and get over it. I’m holding myself back and that is not cool. I want to be done with this bike fear business. Mostly, my fears around it are more injury/street harassment related, but I can’t worry about those if I never get on the damned thing.
I will also set up an outfit picture taking spot somewhere in my room or house so that I can easily and at any time I please get a pic of my outfit. Why? Because I looked cute as hell tonight in one of my new to me dresses and there’s no evidence of it! It’s a damned shame, lemme tell ya! Ha! It was strapless with purple flowers all over it with three layered ruffles and just cuteness!!! Not to mention how great my interview outfit was! Dude! I need to do this. I have a camera with a timer, I need to stop using my phone as an excuse. So…THIS WILL GET DONE, TOO!
And when the insecurities, sadness, anger, frustration, bullshit and haters pop up again or tap me on the shoulder or whisper some awful shit in my ear…