You know how sometimes something will happen and normally it wouldn’t get to you but then there’s that one day where it just shows you how everything in your life is falling apart? Yeah…THAT! This morning I got up and fed the puggyman after taking him outside and started my day’s tasks. Laundry, espresso, toilet bowl and bathroom sink…Then I thought, “Hey! I have those frozen Trader Joe’s scones! That could be breakfast for today and the next three days, too! Woo!” and so I put them in the oven. Well, my oven runs hot and I forgot this. They burned. Like, completely blackened, burned. Inedible. And I lost my shit.
To me those sad, fucking burnt-ass scones just crystallized all that has been bubbling just under the surface and in my heart the last two weeks: my life is a fucking wreck, I’m an emotional mess and shit is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it! What did I do? I went to my room with my espresso and cried, a lot. There is so much I want and yet feel that I cannot have, reach, touch, or grasp. It is heartbreaking. I’m not even talking about material shit, yo. Just regular life things. Ugh!
Articulating these wants and needs has proven futile. I can’t seem to even get the words together until I’m already sobbing and desperate. Why am I like this?! It’s exhausting! I just want calm. I want stability. I want to feel like me again. I remember being ecstatically happy a few weeks ago…that was so amazingly awesome! It seems so long ago now, though. Those moments of joy are so fleeting. I think I cherished it as much as humanly possible. Oh well.
Y’all know me as this fearless warrior in the fight against fatphobia, the seeker of a challenge and the funny-quirky fatty who seems so cheery and shit. I don’t feel like any of those things right now. I feel so far removed from that person that it’s startling. This isn’t my usual case of forgetting what I am capable of and have accomplished. It’s more just being terrified of everything and everyone. Getting bullied and having a panic attack at NoLose was a traumatizing experience for me. I don’t expect anyone else to understand what that was like, but in a lot of ways it’s made me want to hide from everything and made me sort of revert back to previous forms of thought. Ugly stuff.
It’s not just the job shit. It’s not just living below the poverty line. It’s not just any one thing. It’s everything and it’s too much. I feel so broken inside. Things that wouldn’t even register before now send me into a fit of anxiety. I am managing in my own small ways, but I think the main thing is just not having a solid foundation of any sort at all. Like, okay, I used to have this notoriously stable relationship that was my rock. No matter what, it was there and there for me when I needed the support. I know it was my choice to walk away from that, but we were friends and still very very close until only recently. Now that he’s moving to a new place I’m not sure I will be seeing him at all anymore. I think he blames me for this, but I also see how his behavior has changed and being around me may be more difficult for him than I know.
I also used to feel very secure in my career. I would throw myself into it and feel fulfilled by it. But I don’t have that now. I don’t have shit, basically. I know that’s not entirely true, but I don’t feel that anything in my life is reliable or stable at the moment. I feel as though everything is up in the air and I’m walking this tightrope while trying to juggle it all. Failure would mean the worst has arrived. Those fucking burnt scones solidified how tentative everything is right now and I can’t deal.
Being an extrovert with the amount of depression and anxiety I’ve been carrying lately has been fucking awful! To want so badly to be around the people I love and love me, but feeling too scared to reach out or to even accept their invitations has been heart-wrenching. And how do I deal with the whole scones incident? By not eating anything at all…all day! Gawd I am fucking brilliant…NOT! I know I’m not doing well when I find myself drinking Diet Pepsi. UGH!!! I do not like me today. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be.
I can’t even handle people being nice to me right now. Like, it makes me feel like shit. That can’t be normal?! An FB friend saw my sad status about the scones and gifted me a Starbucks card to cheer me up/help out. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I know her intentions were pure and totes sweet. I did thank her and I do appreciate it. But it made me feel like the most pathetic, whiny piece of shit ever! Ugh!
I know I’ll get through this. I will get a job and things will feel better. I do have a second interview on Monday, but I’m terrified to get my hopes up after the last several sure things fell through. I really want the job, it is local and pays well and is pretty much perfect for me. The first interview was awesome, I hadn’t laughed so much in one before! But no finger or other crossings of things for this, please. Feeling a bit superstitious about stuff, though your love and support is always welcome and appreciated. I just don’t’ feel secure in anything right now. Nothing! That is frightening! I’ve had friends say things to me that really hurt and keep playing over and over in my head. I wish I could stop it! And these are people I love so deeply that what they said was such a shock, but we’re cool now. It’s just…hard.
Thanks for reading my rant/vent here. I’ll be okay. Always am. 🙂