I feel scattered lately. No matter what it is that I want or need to do or be doing, I can’t seem to do one thing, rather I keep tending to everything in drips and drabs. I’m wondering why this is. I have a partial inkling, but I refuse to believe it. Ha! I mean, I’m reading again after a bit of a break. In fact it’s an interesting book so far, “How Doctor’s Think” and it’s giving me some insight and useful tips if/when I must be in a western medical environment again. I’m mega stoked for acupuncture this Friday. Yeah, I laid off of it for awhile, mostly due to time constraints, but my knee pain came creeping back and now when I walk down stairs it clicks…no fun!
I’m wondering how people live productive lives. Like, how do you get shit done and live your life in a fulfilling way? I can do one or the other but can’t seem to manage both…is it a myth? I mean, I don’t have kids or even a pet (that lives with me) right now and I only work part-time…so why do I feel so…ugh?! My insomnia has returned and that could very well be the source of my scatter-brained-ness. I’ve quit smoking and really cut back on any drinking. I feel as though I’m eating better or at least more consistently. I’m walking more, but often feel that I have energy to burn. I need to finish painting my bathroom and fix my bike tires and get on that sucka! So why can’t I accomplish any one thing?
I know I can’t be alone in this. Whenever I start to believe that I alone am dealing with something, you, my beloved readers, always show me that I’m never ever alone! (Thank you!) I need to clean and organize my bedroom, too. I know this will help me feel better and maybe even help me sleep, so why can’t I even begin? I’ve been daydreaming a lot and hadn’t for so long that I don’t mind it…only, you know, I’m not able to not do it sometimes.
I feel like a teenager tasked with living an adult life. The problem with this is that I’ve been living an adult life since I was 16. I’m sick of it! But perhaps that is actually the issue here. I need a fucking vacation! I’ve spent the last several months caring and sitting and watching and tending to the details of other people’s lives as they travel the world and I’m still here with my stress and disordered life. Bah!
There’s this voice in my head (negative plant!) that says to me, “But you only work 24 hours per week, you get 3 day weekends EVERY weekend! You have no right to want to get away…away from what?! This is life, baby, suck it up!” Fuck you, negative plant! I’m the boss of my own underpants! Ugh! I think I know what’s missing from my life. It’s those deeper connections with people. I miss the shit out of a lot of people, some who live within 30 minutes of me. I don’t have long philosophical conversations anymore. Why is that?
I’m also not dancing 4-6 hours per week like I was for awhile there. And that was with the knee pain in full effect. Now that the pain is less (and after acupuncture it’s gone), I’m not getting as much activity and movement as I want and need. So that’s it right there. I’m not getting enough STIMULATION! Ha-ha! Sorry! Ahem! I couldn’t help it…But it’s hella true! I have great friends who love me and all, but they’re all so damned busy and I feel like I’m busy as well, but the truth is that I’m not that busy. I’m the gal who wants to go out and do stuff on weeknights! *Gasp* Instead I end up sitting at home watching reruns or movies I recently grabbed at the library. I feel depression tapping me on the shoulder, but thus far have successfully ignored it (excluding the Friday last week meltdown 5,000).
So, my beautiful darlings, what do you suggest? What works for you? Should I simply post an ad on craigslist: “Come one, come all…Stimulate me!” Ha-ha!