Ripping off the Band-Aid
Brief radio silence there, but I suppose most of you are used to that from me by now. Ha-ha! Wow, okay, where to start. Bit of a catch up here. All of the Fatty Affair stuff certainly did keep me busy, but that actually isn’t all. I will just come right on out with it because I know that if you read this blog you will understand where I am coming from already…
So, on January 13th, I asked my husband for a divorce. Things have been strained for some time now and while there were many attempts on my part to work on and improve things, it seemed it was more one-sided than I could deal with in the long run. The beginning of this year sort of solidified some things in my head and brought other things to the foreground that I hadn’t been willing to address/recognize until then. I spent some time depressed and writing it out and all, but in the end I felt it must be done. I needed to find happiness within myself. I couldn’t continue to be hurt by waiting for him to be someone he never will be or to suddenly understand how to make me happy. His silence was like a knife in my heart every day and I felt it unfair to both of us to stay so unhappy.
The amazing part is that despite the initial shock, he totally gets it and supports me! I spent the week after Fatty Affair packing. I’d found a room for rent in a house in my actual neighborhood! It’s nuts how things work out sometimes. It’s three blocks from what is now my husband’s apartment. I moved in and spent my first night in the new place Sunday night. If you’ve ever been to my old café, I painted my room the exact color! It’s called “Sweet Nothings†by Valspar. I adore it! I get to have a bit of my café with me while also being surrounded by this gorgeous and not-too-vibrant color! And I bought a set of curtains…I’d never even had curtains before!
This past month and a week has been a whirlwind; mostly an emotional one, but a physical one, too. There were plenty of bumps and hiccups along the way, but I’m hopeful that the worst of those are over with. I certainly could not have done it without the love and support of my closest friends and this of course includes my husband.
I feel compelled to strike out on my own for the first time (for the most part) and seek out what the world has to offer! I want to begin writing my book and get back into the art scene and just do all the things, ya know?! Ha-ha! It is completely scary and terrifying; don’t get me wrong, I have never truly been on my own. I can’t say that I’ve ever not been in a relationship either. I’ll admit that my first night in the new place was entirely sleepless. I needn’t have expected anything more. That is typical of me. I don’t sleep well whenever anything major is happening or changing. No biggie.
I do not want sympathy or anything. I still love my husband; I have no ill will or even anger or anything towards him. Honestly, we’ve been getting along so much better the last couple of weeks than we have in years. Funny how things work out that way! We’re still close friends. We still hang out with our BFFs every Sunday night and except for living together, not much has changed. I have been surprised by my own emotions and find myself apologizing for stupid shit again, but I’m a work in progress, folks. Just goes with the territory.
So, yeah! Lots of crazy changes in my life lately. It’s a bit difficult for even me to wrap my head around. I mean, what with the new job (which is still great) and all…And yes, I did choose the absolute worst time ever for such a thing, but the heart wants what it wants when it wants it. The stress of it all was killing me. I hadn’t eaten or slept much in nearly two weeks before I finally told him and the very next day I felt so much better. I haven’t ruled out reconciling one day in the future, but he’s resigned to never marry again. I can’t say that I blame him. I know that part was just for me and I don’t even know why that was so important to me then. Fourteen years together, we started out as friends, we leaned on each other when our lives were difficult and here we are again.
Since you don’t want sympathy, well, I won’t offer it. And sometimes something that seems insanely wrenching actually isn’t once you do it.
What I will say is that you need to do whatever is best for you. If this is it, then do it. To do otherwise would hurt you and do him no favors, either, in the longrun.
If at any point you need a sympathetic ear, a good giggle, or someone to kick you in the ass to stop moping, I’ve been told I’m very good at all these things and more. I’m also usually just a phone call or an email away.
I think my biggest question with this entire thing is WHO GETS CUSTODY OF PUGGYMAN????? If it’s not you, you do get visitations rights, don’t you?
I’m sending big, wet smooches and fatty hugs. Not out of sympathy, you understand, but just because you’re awesomely you. So there.
Twistie: Thanks…he gets puggy custody, but being just a few blocks away I not only get to visit any old time, but we can still walk him together. =0)
Eeeeeek, we SO don’t know what to say in such circumstances… but you did what you felt was right. You took care of yourself. I hope things will ease up now. <3
Dominique: Thanks so much.
Well done for having the courage to step out on your own and away from the comfort of a long term relationship. It’s sad when relationships change but you sound like you’ve made the decision with a clear head. Although you need to give each other distance, remember that you know each other better than almost anyone else. Don’t let pride or fear get in the way of asking him to help you if you need support.
I wish you both happiness and strength x
Christine: Yes, I am still working on the asking for things part, but getting better. Thank you so much!
congratulations on taking such a big step towards your own happiness. that is so brave. leaving my husband was the scariest and most rewarding things i’ve ever done.
i’m glad that you two are able to remain such good friends. *offers you all the hugs*
MaggieMunkee: Thanks for the hugs! Brave? I don’t know. Certainly it is easier to live in silent misery, but if I’m here writing about being your most authentic self? Well, that would just be shitty! Ha-ha! Thanks.
Transitions are always such amazing times of mixed emotions, ups and downs and everything in between. Hugs, strength, and it sounds like you’re doing what’s right for you.
ThirtiesGirl: Thanks.
You and your husband are amazing. Relationships develop and turn into what they will, and the best any of us can ever do is to continue to care about one another as things change (b/c they constantly do).
E. Ai B.: You’ve got that right!
Best of luck to you in this big life change!
All I can offer is a paraphrasing of the wise words of a charming lady. “People don’t part because of who they are, they part because of who they’d have to become to remain together.”
Here’s to being the person you need to be and fulfilling your ambitions. Though not a buff, I’d quite like to see that book too!
Hey! I soooo cannot relate to your situation (having been alternately either completely uninterested in the guys I’ve briefly dated, or completely unhealthily attached, leaving no hope for friendship upon breaking up). But, I think it’s really awesome that you and your husband are/will be still great friends. I always think it’s so sad that sometimes the people who you love most leave your life because it hurts too much to see each other. Anyway, I wish you lots of happiness and smooth transitions : )
E: Thanks. It’s all been pretty nuts, for sure. Normalcy is a foreign concept to me at this point, but that sort of was the point of my leaving. Thanks so much.
Eh… regardless of of how amicable and friendly a break up/divorce is, it still hurts like hell and it’s a super confusing time for everyone all around. I know you know I know exactly (okay, maybe not exactly, but close) how you’re feeling. Sucks that you’re having to go through so much change so quickly, but I’m super happy for you that you’ve got a great support system behind you. One of the hardest things, I’ve found, is that life does, in fact, move on – for everyone except YOU. People don’t know what to say or how to react to you, so they either pretend that what you’re going through isn’t really happening, or it really isn’t as big a deal as your sadness and frustration make it out to be. You still have to go to work. You still have to clean your house. You still have to buy groceries. You still have to socialize with your colleagues. And when you’re grieving – which is what most people do at the end of a long-term permanent relationship – sometimes you don’t want to do any of that shit. But life doesn’t stop for you. And – for ME – I really did want life to stop, even just so I could take some time myself to be sad and scared and cry without seeing the rest of the world move on without me.
You offered me your ear and support at a really really low point in my life when I was struggling through my own shit, and I wholeheartedly offer you the same. If you ever need to talk or rant or cry or just have someone tell you that you’re awesome and your husband is a jerk (even though he obvs isn’t, sometimes that’s the shit you need to hear), I am here for you. I promise.