What’s been surprisingly difficult for me these past couple of weeks is having so many friends, acquaintances, blog readers and others tell me how awesome I am and that things will get better and to just have faith in myself. I’m not really complaining about this, mind you, only that I have lost faith, but not entirely in myself. More, I’ve lost faith in what is good in this world.
So…that is scary! I know it’s what I wanted, I know this. Knowing does not change how it feels lately. It feels so heavy that it threatens to suck me down and back into “the abyss” (I’m just going to call my epic sadness and endless tango with depression “the abyss” from now on, cool? Cool.). I found myself once again filled with self hate and shame all alone in my room last week. In retrospect this frightens me as I did not think it possible, but I also understand how comforting those old familiar feelings were. *Sigh*
When I was feeling my worst I reached out, but to the wrong people, I see that now. I hid myself away from my nearest and dearest and chose to reach out to those who wouldn’t or couldn’t comfort or console me. I don’t know why, but I think I was afraid of being called a fraud or ungrateful or worse. Yes, it seems ridiculous now. And why did I think it was a good idea to reach out to someone worse off than myself in many ways? Ugh! I was not in a position to help or support them and they weren’t for me, either.
I’m feeling much better overall, yet the clock of my impending unemployed status is ticking loudly. As my final day approaches my anxiety rises and this is where panic lives. I am breathing through it all and doing my best to stay in the present moment. Right now I am okay. Right now anything is possible. Am I back to my bubbly-optimistic self? Eh, not so much. But I’m feeling more grounded and that’s something.
Thank you to those who have offered support, love and encouragement. I know things will get better somehow, they have to.