Resistence is Futile
Bit of a ranty post, folks. You know how I roll.
Have you had this happen?
You’re talking to some person about yourself and you refer to yourself as fat, feeling all full of activism and pride, when the person stops you with a look of horror and exclaims, “You are NOT fat!!!” Ugh! It’s almost as though admitting you are fat there in makes them fat…or something. It’s bullshit. It’s their hang up, not yours. And here’s the thing, you have every right to identify as anything you want to. Period. No one can take that from you.
This time of year makes these situations all the more difficult with the endless presence of food. But we are strong…no one can tell us we’re wroooooong! Sorry, my inner Pat Benatar does tend to come out occasionally. I personally believe that it is vital to assert your preferred identity as something wholly your own and in no way a reflection of others. When people try to take this from you it is rude, disrespectful, but also very fucking belittling. As though you couldn’t possibly know or understand how you yourself think/feel, etc. Ugh!
When faced with this situation, I quickly and calmly attempt to educate them on their misstep. Not in any way rude or overly aggressive, but again calmly and as simply as possible. Most people receive my little schpeel of info easily and even tend to ask questions…but then you get these insistors! They insist XYZ is bad/unhealthy/the Devil! Yes, I still attempt to explain to them that food has no moral value. If they get even more insistent, I smile and deliberately walk away, if I can. If I cannot and I don’t know the person I will attempt a polite, “well this is going nowhere” with a giant cheesy grin. Why? Because fuck them, that’s why!
Why do we let people walk all over us and then apologize to them on top of it? WHY? There’s no reason! Apologize for nothing you had zero control over! I am sick of hearing people say “sorry” for every little fucking thing! Stop it right now! You have no reason to be sorry. It’s some bullshit social construct either foisted upon us or by our own design, in either case I am throwing that off and away for good. No more, “Sorry” when someone bumps into me or rudely steps on my feet. I mean, why the hell should I be sorry? THEY SHOULD!
I am done with people pushing their prejudices and baggage on me. DONE! And I feel so much better about myself and social gatherings. I even went to a party the other night and found myself chatting with all kinds of people I’d never met before and I had a blast. Body stuff didn’t even come up…not once! Shocking!
So yes, when someone is rude to me, I tell them. It’s important to me that someone tell them and since most people are fearful of a social faux pas . Well I had no say in the building of such social constructs, honesty is best so long as you’re not rude about it. Civility is important. Calm and intelligent discussions are vital! These are the things we are lacking in society today. You don’t see much of that in films or television…it’s up to us to create the world we want to live in.
And because I had a shit morning and spilled my perfectly crafted coffee all over my kitchen in an attempt to make myself something for breakfast besides coffee I will leave you with the above to consider for yourself. I really need to finish this second coffee before anything else happens. ha-ha!
Could she have thought you were using fat to mean all the horrible connotations that it can be used with, as if it were an apology, and thats what she was arguing against? Outside the FA movement the word is so negatively loaded – I’ve never heard it used in a good way in real life.
You can teach people a lot by bypassing the argument and just leading by example. I guess the best argument to anything they throw at you is “well, I’m happy with my body” with a genuine grin. They probably aren’t, and it just might get them thinking…
Christine: You make some good points and I do believe that most times I do lead by example. It is my preferred method of well, most things. But this was when confronted by someone else’s body hate about themselves that was then projected onto me. That is where I draw the line I suppose. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Enjoy your coffee, I have had a similar experience people telling me I am not fat and to stop putting myself down normally with the kicker of but you have such a beautiful face (sorry about the body inferred). The kicker infuriates me more than anything, who gives a flying flipflop about my face, my mind and heart are where the real beauty is. If someone looks at me and all they see is a fat person then that person just isn’t worth knowing, yes I am fat, I am also intelligent, kind, witty, charitable, family orientated, independent, loyal, giving, sympathetic and a mega bitch when you get on my bad side. You want to hate me for any of those things, fine by me just dont judge me based on appearance alone! AAAAARGH (virtual primal scream it’s very good for stress release dont you know)
Lori: Ugh, the pretty face line! A time honored and hate-filled tradition. Ha-ha! I agree with all you’ve said here…rock on!
I so hear you and completely identify. I try to do the same thing when others get upset when I identify as fat – gently educate them that fat is not a bad word to me, that it’s how I prefer to self-identify, please allow me the preference to identify how I choose, etc, etc. I’ve also had the “food has no moral value” discussion with co-workers, but no matter how many times I talk about it with co-workers, it just doesn’t seem to register. It seems to get even worse over the holidays.
I’ll share an example. I work in education, which means I get several weeks off for our holiday break. Last week was my last at work and most of us brought little gifts for our co-workers – cookies, tea, candy, cards, ornaments, etc. One of our co-workers gave all of us big bars of Toblerone chocolate, which lead to one of my women co-workers complaining about how many more hours she’d have to spend on the treadmill for indulging in it. I’ve had the “food has no moral value” conversation with her on several occasions. While I know she still doesn’t believe and accept it, she grudgingly listens to my point of view and seems to accept that while it’s okay for *me* to feel that way, she won’t change her mind, but won’t argue with me about it either. This time, however, she put up more of an argument, continuing to insist that indulging “too much” was “bad, unhealthy,” and that it can only be “salvaged” with more exercise.
Unlike you, I don’t yet have the ability to walk away. It frustrates me so much that I’m in such the minority at work, that, like always, my co-workers abide by the limiting thought process of “good food/bad food,” “fat=bad,” etc., and my skin isn’t thick enough to fight the good fight without getting overly sensitive about it. I constantly debate with myself whether I should say something or not whenever I hear a co-worker expressing those thoughts. I hold my tongue as long as I can, but eventually it gets harder and harder to let it slide.
thirtiesgirl: Co-workers are tough when it comes to such political/radical discussions. I, too, attempted this to no avail. Truth is, I haven’t truly walked away from such an argument or discussion yet. I do think that holding one’s tongue gets you one place: a sore tongue! Ha-ha! I am all about tactful honesty and that is all I care to offer in these scenarios. While I may have a thicker skin in this instance, I always have the wonderful fat resources to back me up all over the internet…worldwide! When people start with their “obesity kills” bullshit, I quickly point out the harm such thinking causes and what a vicious hate cycle that is and shouldn’t we want a more positive world “for the children?!” But I do know and understand that we are fighting a good sixty years of marketing/programming that has lead us to this obsessive culture we now live in. It takes more than one dissenting voice to get people thinking and many many more to get people talking in a productive way. So I keep on keepin’ on in the hopes of helping one or a few. This is why I write this blog, this is why I’m an activist and this is why I chose to stop lying to myself and others completely. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. I know how hard it is to speak up in fears of stepping on some toes when you have to work with said toes for months if not years to come.
A part of my mind does tug at saying “I’m sorry” that these people are so dense that they can’t handle a positive fat portrayal, but I’ll resist and just say, “That is f—ing annoying isn’t it?”
I’ve never replied with “Oh you’re not fat” to a woman who says she is, but sometimes it feels very delicate knowing in which direction to tread forward from there. With you at least I can just say “Music to my ears and my eyes”!
Avery: Yes, well, people often have a difficult time with a confident fat person in general. Let alone one that is willing to discuss such radical ideas as this. But yes, the digging for compliments and body arguments, in my opinion, are ridiculous. Thanks so much for readin.
I say it to my boyfriend only, but I say “I don’t think you are fat.” so it doesn’t sound like I am correcting him. He keeps calling himself fat but I genuinely don’t think he is. Thankfully he doesn’t jump down my throat with “Yes I am!” He knows that is what my opinion is and he respects that.
Ashley: It almost sounds like you or he is still holding onto the “fat = bad” mentality. When I hear people insist that they are “fat” in a way that leads me to believe that they think this is the worst thing ever I confront them with my bodily bulk and insist, I am fat and I am fabulous and I am living the best life I can. And when I hear the “that’s fine for you, but for me…” that says it all, doesn’t it? It’s like, well it’s fine if you wanna have sex with animals you freak, but not me! And that is hardly someone I’d want to continue talking with or to. Just my opinion and I am hoping that I am way off base on this one. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.