NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Putting it out there…

March12

I hate it when you regret not saying something or asking for something that you want/need, etc…I have sat there going over what to say in my head a million times only to stifle myself, to bite my tongue and simply long for whatever that thing is. It’s so stupid! I’m a mental masochist! Realizing this about myself and hating it entirely, I have decided to stop when I recognize it and just say whatever it is I need to and let the chips fall where they may.

Do I share too much of my vulnerability and honesty? Yes, I do. Do I open myself up to heartbreak or worse? Yes, absolutely I do…but the thing is, I also get the things I want more often now. Go figure, eh? It is a special thing to throw caution directly into the damned wind and just not worry about the consequences. Though really, there aren’t many consequences simply by asking for what you want. The biggest consequence being disappointment. Yes, life if full of that shit, but hey, it’s a hell of a lot better than not knowing if you could have had what you want at all or not.

I hate not knowing! Not knowing something tears at my heart and soul and makes me climb the walls! I would rather get some bad news than just not know! At least then I could deal with whatever it is rather than wonder and come up with my own horrible assumptions. Believe me when I tell you that my mind, wow, it can come up with some terrible ideas/scenarios, etc when there is something I don’t know about. But that is what I put up with, from my lack of asking/saying, all of these years.

Call it a little bit “seize the day” and a little bit of manifesting or simply trying to push things in the right, by my intentions anyway, direction. It is still a difficult task for me to ask for things. So much of my childhood was spent asking and getting rejected. Well, not even rejected, more like lectured on all of the myriad reasons why any request was impossible (poverty is a bitch). This has lead me to a state of near paralyzing instances where I freeze up entirely and cannot bring myself to ask or do something. It sucks! But knowing this about myself and the reasons behind it I am finally able to sort of work through it or at least try to.

I think a lot of the time, too, when you’re fat, you make some assumptions on your own towards rejection and disappointment. We are conditioned to believe these things. We are told we won’t find love or lovers. We are taught that our bodies should be hated, fought and diminished. We are instructed, for most of our lives at least, to fall in line, to fit in and conform at all costs. It’s a load of shit and hopefully if you’re reading this blog you know that. Conformity is for suckers! Being a bad ass fat ass and owning what that means to me has improved my life at every turn. And I refuse to put up with bullshit from anyone who thinks otherwise.

So I am putting it all out there. I am letting my guard down and doing what I can to learn from each step and new experience. If I give too much of myself to a new person in my life, so fucking be it! I would rather suffer those consequences than to close myself off and never know what could have been. At least I will know, at least I will have tried or attempted or spoken what it was I wanted/needed. And that ain’t such a bad thing, I think.

 

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6 Comments to

“Putting it out there…”

  1. On March 12th, 2012 at 6:13 am Charlie Says:

    Hi there,

    I have been reading your blog for a few months and I just wanted to say that I love the direction you are taking it in. It’s such inspiring and important work, and always a pleasure to read.

    I related very much to this and your “mourning” post, and I think they are cut from the same emotional cloth in the sense that when we are coming to terms with a loss, after the initial numbness and the attempts (and in your case, successes) at filling the space with words, it can become radically easier to articulate exactly what we need. The stakes, while they were low enough to be surmountable all along, feel even lower, and the rebuilding process begins.

    Anyway, that’s my take on it. I mostly just wanted to leave this so you would know that you have a relatively new reader, and I look forward to what you have to say in the future!

    🙂
    Charlie

  2. On March 12th, 2012 at 8:05 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Charlie: Thank you so much! Wow, I am so touched. Sometimes when you’re living in a situation it is difficult to see any progress. I appreciate that you have seen it and that it even exists! Ha-ha!
    Hooray for new readers, but even more hooray for new commenters. I hope to hear more from you soon! =0)

  3. On March 12th, 2012 at 1:51 pm Twistie Says:

    Not asking for things is a hole I dig myself into, too. There have even been times when I failed to ask for things when it lead to ridiculously dire consequences in proportion to the original need.

    With time and a lot of effort, though, I’ve gotten a lot better at just fucking asking. In fact, there have even been a couple times lately when I really needed something and I actually put my foot down to get it.

    Hence that new faucet in the kitchen sink! Not to mention my beloved gas stove.

    We really are socialized as women, as fat people, as not rich people, etc. never, ever to ask for stuff. But if you don’t ask, how are people supposed to know you do need stuff? How are you supposed to get what you need?

    You don’t.

    Fuck that.

  4. On March 12th, 2012 at 5:22 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Fuck that indeed! Woo!

  5. On March 12th, 2012 at 2:36 pm Cia Says:

    I think the world benefits greatly from you putting your things out there instead of keeping them to your self. I really admire you and what you do! (And telling people that is hard for me, so that was me putting something out there)

  6. On March 12th, 2012 at 5:22 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Cia: Ohmigosh! Thank you! But you know, if I can do it, anyone can! <3

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