A big part of being the Director of Happiness (my job title, btw) is knowing how to direct my own happiness so that I can do a better job of supporting the rest of the office. This has forced me to see happiness in many different ways and perspectives. Happiness is so much and yet so little all at once. Certainly what makes one person happy won’t apply to everyone. I know that what makes me happy changes in a given day or hour or moment. I have also seen how what I want and need to be happy has sort of shrunk and my world has simplified. It feels good this way, most of the time. But I had a miscommunication with some loved ones that left me a wreck and suddenly I didn’t know how to calm down or snap out of it.
As it turns out, simplifying my life has made me more vulnerable and I wasn’t prepared for that. I also wasn’t aware of just how much quiet-me-time I want and need to feel good. When my words were misconstrued I apologized and tried to communicate my feelings, but again my words were misunderstood. So now I feel a great need to pull away and not socialize or talk to folks and while part of me is saddened by that notion (the extrovert in me no doubt) there’s also a sense of relief. I have to wonder if this simplification and withdrawing is also possibly the control freak/protective part of me standing in the sunshine and glory of that concept.
Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I grow fearful and willfully silence myself I feel sad and small and out of control. If I continue as usual I seem to hurt people no matter how careful I speak or choose my words. What to do? I did some soul searching. My roommate did her best to lift me up when I was nearly hysterical with tears. She’d never seen me that way and it disappointed her how much it all made me doubt myself. She said that she and her friends were in awe of the confidence I exude, but there I was, ugly crying, snot strings and all. And then in a moment of calmness, I was looking away from her, she said I looked just like Drew Barrymore. Ha! Flattery will get you nowhere, but it did make me blush and almost smile.
The next morning I felt better, but after so many hours of crying, I needed to feel better. There was nothing I could do to fix things. I had apologized and did my best to explain, but in the end I needed to just stop and give space where it was so obviously needed. If I continued to engage I would have made things worse and prolonged what was, to me, not going anywhere. And so it is with great reluctance that I’ve accepted invitations and pug and boyfriend snuggles that smoosh back together all of my broken bits. Simplify – Happiness.
It’s not that I don’t want to see my nearest and dearest, I do very much so, but it’s difficult. It takes me time to process my feelings and if I don’t have someone to talk it out with it takes even longer for me to process things. Ultimately, I think this is what lead to the bigger miscommunication. Feelings of jealousy and of being left out turned into thinly veiled and snide remarks that I am not proud of. My apologies were neither accepted or acknowledged. Because I knew I wasn’t communicating my feelings properly I bowed out. Maybe not the best thing in the moment, but I couldn’t handle any more wrath I might evoke had I continued.
Directing my own happiness also means letting go of old notions I had of things and going out of my way to learn how to do them differently. This may sound random, but my skin was not happy and I didn’t know what else to do about it. Luckily I happened upon a Groupon and got a fantastic deal on a facial. I have spent $100 on facials (each visit) and this one was $19 and it was the best one I’ve ever had (it was at the academy for salon professionals in San Jose). They did a skin analysis and were concerned with how red my skin was. I thought it was just my complexion (forever red) but they said it was irritated or enflamed. Instead of an extraction (they insisted there was nothing to extract, which I found very hard to believe) they wanted to focus on calming and balancing my skin and it felt amazing! I ended up buying nearly an entire line of products (Dermalogica Ultra Calming) but after trying it on my own this week I think it was a wise investment. Not only did my boyfriend notice a different right away, but my coworker also noticed the improvement and began asking about my secrets. Ha-ha!
Tonight is the first community event I’m hosting at work and while it’s small and informal, I’m a little on edge. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but because I’m new and coordinating this stuff for the first time I am just a bit nervous. I look hella cute, but hey I also had extra time to get ready since I didn’t have to be to work until 1pm. Woot! I’ll see if I can get a pic for ya! 😉
Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement as I continue to struggle on my journey. You’re an inspiration to me and your comments and emails help so much, you have no idea. So hit me up! firstname.lastname@example.org