NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

On Crying

May7

Crying. It’s something I have done more of this year than perhaps my entire life in it’s entirety. I struggle with it. I fight it. But in the end the tears always come and there is little I can do. I succumb. Growing up, well, kids cry. They just do. My dad would often say, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” but I now know that, like many men, he felt helpless in the face of my tears. And as the years went on it seemed to be a recurring theme in my life. Men would either grow angry at my tears or run from them. Because of this I suppose I developed a deep sense of hate for crying all together.

If a single tear falls from my eyes I apologize, even if no one is around to see/hear. Normally I would proclaim how pathetic that is, but I won’t…not anymore. I see now that tears come and go and they don’t always have an immediate or comprehensible reason. They just don’t. They usually do, but not always. Sometimes we cry just because we’re fucking tired as hell or frustrated or whatever. I cannot always explain why I’m crying. I mean, I’ve cried from being incredibly happy or from the ultimate in pleasure…what can ya do?

What I won’t do anymore, or do my best not to, is apologize for crying. I have been comforted in the best possible way in the world and calmed and soothed in a state of downright hysteria and brought back down to earth again. Because of this I now know that I’m not bat-shit-crazy. I know that how I have been treated in the past wasn’t right and that I deserve better. I was driven to fear and hate my rawest emotions because of a bunch of assholes. That is some heavy bullshit to carry around! To be faced with such emotion is a scary thing, don’t get me wrong. But to have someone know exactly what to do when I was in such a state? That is the most wonderful thing of all.

My friends are my chosen family. I have grown closer to them as the years go by and as even my blood relatives continue to betray me. I have been shown such love and kindness, support and encouragement from people that I can honestly say I would take a bullet for. I would do anything for these “friends” and anything to protect them and keep them happy and healthy. I know they would, and have, for me as well. I am the luckiest and most grateful gal! I cannot even put into words what I have seen and been shown…but I assure you that I am changed.

Life is a tricky beast and the most beautiful and fragile flower. I only hope I can continue to navigate my path, continue my journey and to know when it is best to tread lightly. My love and gratitude to you all.

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3 Comments to

“On Crying”

  1. On May 7th, 2012 at 4:22 pm Twistie Says:

    There’s a reason tears exist: we need them. They’re good for us. They’re not always fun or convenient or comfortable to witness, but we all need them at some point in our lives.

    And anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, do remember that I have two ready and waiting – extra-absorbent – if you can make use of them.

    Big, squishy hugs, my dear.

  2. On May 9th, 2012 at 8:02 am Ada Says:

    You have described my life to a T. My dad would sometimes whoop me and my siblings for crying or for crying for a longer amount of time or louder than what he deemed acceptable. I subsequently learned to not show any emotion if at all possible and apologize overtly any time I did. This has caused so many problems with my personal relationships that I can’t even explain. I just wanted to delurk, say a few words, and let you know that you aren’t alone in your experiences. Thank you so much for this post.

  3. On May 9th, 2012 at 9:43 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Ada: Thank you for de-lurking and for sharing yourself here, too. You have touched my heart with your honesty. And yeah, I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s affected your relationships in ways that cannot be explained. Living that right now, myself. <3

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