Crying. It’s something I have done more of this year than perhaps my entire life in it’s entirety. I struggle with it. I fight it. But in the end the tears always come and there is little I can do. I succumb. Growing up, well, kids cry. They just do. My dad would often say, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” but I now know that, like many men, he felt helpless in the face of my tears. And as the years went on it seemed to be a recurring theme in my life. Men would either grow angry at my tears or run from them. Because of this I suppose I developed a deep sense of hate for crying all together.
If a single tear falls from my eyes I apologize, even if no one is around to see/hear. Normally I would proclaim how pathetic that is, but I won’t…not anymore. I see now that tears come and go and they don’t always have an immediate or comprehensible reason. They just don’t. They usually do, but not always. Sometimes we cry just because we’re fucking tired as hell or frustrated or whatever. I cannot always explain why I’m crying. I mean, I’ve cried from being incredibly happy or from the ultimate in pleasure…what can ya do?
What I won’t do anymore, or do my best not to, is apologize for crying. I have been comforted in the best possible way in the world and calmed and soothed in a state of downright hysteria and brought back down to earth again. Because of this I now know that I’m not bat-shit-crazy. I know that how I have been treated in the past wasn’t right and that I deserve better. I was driven to fear and hate my rawest emotions because of a bunch of assholes. That is some heavy bullshit to carry around! To be faced with such emotion is a scary thing, don’t get me wrong. But to have someone know exactly what to do when I was in such a state? That is the most wonderful thing of all.
My friends are my chosen family. I have grown closer to them as the years go by and as even my blood relatives continue to betray me. I have been shown such love and kindness, support and encouragement from people that I can honestly say I would take a bullet for. I would do anything for these “friends” and anything to protect them and keep them happy and healthy. I know they would, and have, for me as well. I am the luckiest and most grateful gal! I cannot even put into words what I have seen and been shown…but I assure you that I am changed.
Life is a tricky beast and the most beautiful and fragile flower. I only hope I can continue to navigate my path, continue my journey and to know when it is best to tread lightly. My love and gratitude to you all.