NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Not Proud (*TW)

July17

*Trigger Warning for Food Issues

I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have been trying but then I let things slide or drop or actually do myself a disservice or harm. Ugh!  I don’t know why I do it or how it starts but I am trying very hard, now, to not let it happen again.

I have been pushing myself and practicing everyday (except Sunday) for my dance number. I have some injuries that I’m having to work through and deal with, but that’s not really the worst part. The worst part is that I’ve been so busy and happy and excited and tired and caffeinated that I haven’t been eating. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it’s the truth. There were at least four days last week where I didn’t eat any solid food (read: coffee and water) until after 8pm. And even then it was little things like a banana, a plum, a yogurt or a small salad or a single piece of chicken. There were other days where I later wondered if I’d have eaten at all had I not been around other humans.

I feel really dumb for allowing myself to neglect my body’s needs. My brain needs food to function properly. My body needs fuel to move and to heal. Now here I am just days away from my very first solo dance performance in over seventeen years and I feel unprepared. I feel afraid and ashamed. I keep seriously considering bailing out of it. I’ve never been a quitter, though.

I tell myself that I am losing sight of the point of it all: Joy! Dance brings me joy and gives me so much pleasure. So why put so much pressure on myself? Why become my own worst enemy? Why am I hurting my body while trying to connect with it at the same time? Doesn’t make a lick of sense if you ask me.

The thing is, I was doing really well! I was conserving as much as I could and trying to establish a sort of routine in my new life of constant job hunting. I was buying my favorite summer fruits and veggies and getting a kick out of making fun and randomly put together meals for myself and then *poof* it went away somehow.

Stress always makes me lose my appetite. I know this, I was working on staying calm and not thinking about things I can’t fix or take action on and just living in the present, staying mindful of how I felt. All that jazz. I guess I shouldn’t be analyzing “where it all went wrong” and should instead be facing forward and just doing better now and tomorrow.

But I do feel like I not only let myself down, but my community, too. It’s silly, I know! Again, more unnecessary self pressure. Ugh! How can I represent my community and be a better activist, writer, blogger, person…if I’m not taking care of my most basic needs?! So this is where I’m at.

I just want to hit the giant reset button and forget about my failures. I’m allowed that, right? Maybe I’m being so hard on myself because I don’t feel that I deserve the amount of happy I was feeling last week. It was a lot, lemme tell ya! I never felt like I should be allowed to feel so good without somehow earning it. I don’t know why I’m struggling with the things I am right now. Unworthiness about a lot of things, not least of which is being in love with my gorgeous boyfriend and all the happy he makes me. Why can’t I just accept and enjoy it?

Look, I’m hormonal and emotional and maybe tomorrow I will feel so silly for being so tough on myself. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time alone. I don’t know. I know that when this post goes live I will already be on the road to Portland and I hope this trip is everything I think it will be. I will be packing myself lots of snacks and fruits for the ride so I won’t continue this ridiculous disordered eating pattern. I fully intend to enjoy every moment I can and share it all with you, too!

<3
S

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