Life is a learning experience that teaches us so much yet also, somehow, remains a complete mystery. I often joke that I am a contradiction and an enigma, even to myself. But I’m in no joking mood. The truth is that I’ve finally reached that point where accepting and embracing my vulnerability is a must and a need and it is now and I shall remain until I can process this…thing.
It’s never easy to say and how often have you said, “I’m okay” or “I’m good” with a fake smile or a quick look away so the other person won’t know that you’re lying through your damned teeth. *Sigh* I hate lying and I refuse.
I am not okay. I’m going through a very fucking difficult time right now. I am not yet even able to talk about it and thus unable to process it at all. I am not okay. I am sure that I will be okay soon, but for now I am in a great deal of emotional pain.
I ask for your kindness, compassion and patience as I do my best to work through this and hopefully come out of this stronger or happier or somehow just find some peace and accept what is. Because right now I can’t even envision these things and they seem to belong to someone else entirely.
I am still in shock and have been doing a lot of crying. Being with those I love most has become uncomfortable and painful. I can’t tell them what’s in my heart. I can’t share my fears and pains with them right now. Mostly because it’s not my story to tell. I only have what I feel and that is cutting so very deep right now. A lot of what I’m feeling I know is not rational and much of it makes no sense and some of it is very hypocritical, yet the pain is there and I cannot deny how I am feeling.
I am fighting every urge in me to act out, lash out and cause hurt/harm to others. It is not the person I am and not the person I want to be. It saddens me that those urges are still within me, just under the surface. *Sigh* I am human and I accept that I am flawed. I am sort of in awe at the turns my life has taken recently and how so much has been put on hold because of it. It is a choice, it is my choice and I will get back on track soon, of this I have no doubt.
I’m sorry that I cannot share details or even get into it. I don’t know when or if I will. But know that I love you and am so grateful to have this space to get even this little bit off my chest. Thank you!!! </3