NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Newflash: Emotionally Fragile

July4

I find myself constantly wondering where I stand with people in my life and thus I am also constantly letting people know where they stand with me. It seems to be an important matter to me. I have often been hurt by believing that I was closer to people than I actually was or thinking I meant more than I do to someone. It sucks. It’s painful and so I keep doing my best to communicate my feelings for people in the hopes of preventing such devastation in the future.

I’m a creature often, though not always, driven by emotion. I love with my whole self and when I am taken far more lightly than I want or intend to be, it can mess me up for awhile. I can even find myself reeling from an offense made on another friend by another friend. I hurt for others. Empathy is a problem for me. I can suffer far too keenly and probably for far too long and often it ain’t even about me!

This seems to be a recurring theme or problem in my friendships. Is it any wonder that I have, like, 5 BFFs?! They are my foundation, my rock, my spine and often the only normalcy in my life. I can trust and love them with my whole self and they never judge and only rarely hurt me and never intentionally. I think I am more fragile than anyone really knows. I tend to show a harder or tougher version of myself to others, even those closest to me. I can even hide and ignore my vulnerability from myself for stretches of time. It’s kind of amazing. Is that a world record category, somehow? Ha!

It’s true though. I have been taken back and have had to just deal with my feelings a lot lately. People just don’t get it…words, y’all, they have such power and you never know what tiny little gem will come out of your mouth and glue itself to someone else’s brain. You have no control over it and neither do they. Such is life, eh? And so it is with me. A friend will have some well intentioned thing to say and I will hold onto that shit for weeks (or years even). How to rid this? Hell if I know!

So, if I tell you, “You mean the world to me!” I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. You really do. If I say, “I love you!” I really fucking love you! I do try to think about things *before I say them (except when I’ve had some alcohol, then all bets are off and I will probably tell everyone I love them and simultaneously wanna kick their asses…with love!). But I am very open and honest with my feelings and only ever hide them to save my own sanity or if the moment is simply inappropriate.

Perhaps this is the problem in and of itself. So few people are so open and honest and, okay, blunt, about such things. Why hide your feelings? You’re only holding yourself back from possibilities!!! It’s hard, I know! There is always that chance of rejection or pain, but without such things we cannot fully appreciate the goodness in the world, I think. <3

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I’m not sure what my point is with this post. Writing has been such a struggle lately. I am hopeful, though. The fact that I wrote this much is enough for me right now.

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9 Comments to

“Newflash: Emotionally Fragile”

  1. On July 4th, 2012 at 5:35 am Veronica Says:

    Words – You have this expression in the States, that goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We don’t have an equivalent here in Norway, and every time I realize how widespread that expression is in the U.S. I marvel at the stupidity of the people spreading this around as though you’re only allowed to be hurt by physical pain. No, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can truly hurt me.

  2. On July 5th, 2012 at 9:28 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Veronica: Yes, you’re quite right. I have often pondered that turn of phrase and wondered why on earth people still say it. Oh well. Thank you for your support, doll. It means a lot to me. 🙂

  3. On July 4th, 2012 at 7:22 am Zaftig Diva Says:

    Thank you for your post. Writing helps. Posting narrow the gap between us.

    We who are honest, want others who will be honest with us as well. I was going to tell you a matching saga, but as I write I remember my friend telling me, for years, that she does not tell the truth. In fact, she taught me, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” True that.

    On the other hand, I still form my relationships based on truth, honesty, and openness. That means I have no space for fluff. You wanna do this thing? Let’s go.

    Keep loving – fully, freely, openly. Loving out loud is its own reward. In a world enticed by convoluted facades, we might be on the dance floor alone. For a while. Be of good cheer! I’m dancing too.

  4. On July 5th, 2012 at 9:28 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Zaftig Diva: Thank you so much for your kind words. I agree, the truth will make you mad, but I just can’t accept another fate for myself or my life at the moment. But who knows? I could become corrupted and leave this all behind. Ha-ha! <3

  5. On July 4th, 2012 at 10:39 am Jery Says:

    But you are a unicorn. A beautiful, funny, and wonderful unicorn. 😉
    I love that you are so complex and tough.
    I am a blabbermouth as you probably have gathered (what? me? nooo…)
    and I look at being emotionally open the same way as asking for candy as a kid. The worst thing that can happen is that my mom would say no. Yes, words have value, but its ultimately up to you how valuable you allow those words to be.
    Being hurt is such a commonly human trait that if one makes it through life without that experience, they haven’t really tried to live.
    Love you, gurl!!!

  6. On July 5th, 2012 at 9:27 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Jery: Why am I always surprised that my nearest and dearest read this blog? Ha! Thank you for your love and friendship. Your existence and participation in my life means more to me than words could ever express.

  7. On July 4th, 2012 at 11:13 am Twistie Says:

    (sends you big fat hugs and lots of love)

    It takes guts to be as publicly vulnerable as you are. Just thought I’d mention that.

  8. On July 5th, 2012 at 9:26 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thanks, doll.

  9. On July 5th, 2012 at 9:52 am Kari Says:

    I’m so there with you, and it is tough to stay open and vulnerable in the face of possible rejection, but it is also the only way to strength. When I need courage, I watch the Brene Brown TED talk. Awesomeness! It reminds me to understand that resilience is born in vulnerability.

    As for being empathetic, it’s helpful to learn some mindfulness practices around that. Being open to everyone all the time is especially exhausting if you are particularly attuned to empathy. Being a social worker and a therapist has helped me with this a bit. I am reminded all the time that what I feel for another person’s situation can be helpful in allowing me to create a plan or a connection, but that too much can overwhelm me and leave me feeling as stuck as the person I’m with.

    Big Hug to you and thank you for sharing this.

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