I find myself constantly wondering where I stand with people in my life and thus I am also constantly letting people know where they stand with me. It seems to be an important matter to me. I have often been hurt by believing that I was closer to people than I actually was or thinking I meant more than I do to someone. It sucks. It’s painful and so I keep doing my best to communicate my feelings for people in the hopes of preventing such devastation in the future.
I’m a creature often, though not always, driven by emotion. I love with my whole self and when I am taken far more lightly than I want or intend to be, it can mess me up for awhile. I can even find myself reeling from an offense made on another friend by another friend. I hurt for others. Empathy is a problem for me. I can suffer far too keenly and probably for far too long and often it ain’t even about me!
This seems to be a recurring theme or problem in my friendships. Is it any wonder that I have, like, 5 BFFs?! They are my foundation, my rock, my spine and often the only normalcy in my life. I can trust and love them with my whole self and they never judge and only rarely hurt me and never intentionally. I think I am more fragile than anyone really knows. I tend to show a harder or tougher version of myself to others, even those closest to me. I can even hide and ignore my vulnerability from myself for stretches of time. It’s kind of amazing. Is that a world record category, somehow? Ha!
It’s true though. I have been taken back and have had to just deal with my feelings a lot lately. People just don’t get it…words, y’all, they have such power and you never know what tiny little gem will come out of your mouth and glue itself to someone else’s brain. You have no control over it and neither do they. Such is life, eh? And so it is with me. A friend will have some well intentioned thing to say and I will hold onto that shit for weeks (or years even). How to rid this? Hell if I know!
So, if I tell you, “You mean the world to me!” I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. You really do. If I say, “I love you!” I really fucking love you! I do try to think about things *before I say them (except when I’ve had some alcohol, then all bets are off and I will probably tell everyone I love them and simultaneously wanna kick their asses…with love!). But I am very open and honest with my feelings and only ever hide them to save my own sanity or if the moment is simply inappropriate.
Perhaps this is the problem in and of itself. So few people are so open and honest and, okay, blunt, about such things. Why hide your feelings? You’re only holding yourself back from possibilities!!! It’s hard, I know! There is always that chance of rejection or pain, but without such things we cannot fully appreciate the goodness in the world, I think. <3
I’m not sure what my point is with this post. Writing has been such a struggle lately. I am hopeful, though. The fact that I wrote this much is enough for me right now.