A new friend was sort of in awe and marveling at my passion for fat acceptance/liberation. They said that they’d never had such a passion in their life and hoped that they one day would. I explained that I had no choice in the matter. I have this passion because I am fat and I want to be treated like an equal human being. Nothing more and nothing less. I want to have a voice and to be heard, not judged, labeled and othered. It seems so simple, but if you’re reading this then you probably already know it never is that simple.
People whom I meet today cannot believe that I used to be insecure and chronically depressed. It’s true that that is almost the exact opposite of the gal I am today. It took a ton of work though and it’s not like I’m all things great all of the time or anything. I’m simply more willing to do the self-work (until one fine day I can both afford and find a therapist I can trust, I suppose), expose my vulnerabilities and share my truths with whomever will listen. Powerful stuff.
People often say that they are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings, but I find this to be utter crap! Unless asked, very specifically or strategically, most people will avoid all such personal topics. The more people I meet lately the more this becomes obvious and sometimes (for me) painful to accept. Am I some sort of freak of nature? Why do I feel the need to be so brutally honest and open about myself? I guess part of me hopes that I might just lead by example. That my willingness to wear my heart on my sleeve will prove that it won’t kill you.
My passion for fat acceptance/liberation is a blessing. The universe gave me a fat ass (among other things) and then showed me a way to make sense of it in a world that doesn’t make sense at all. I feel most fulfilled and excited when talking and planning something fat/self-acceptance related. Because I know what it feels like to be the outsider, even in your own mind. I have been the suicidal girl screaming in agony on the inside while silently smiling on the outside. And I have found ways to lift myself up and grow as a person and to love myself.
It can be the heaviest burden, hating yourself. You feel trapped inside your head or your body and just disconnected from the rest of the world. You feel as though something has to give or you’ll explode! The truth is you have the power to not feel that way right now. You can choose to change your own mind about yourself. You can take one small step towards healing and loving and living and finding what your best path is now. Everything is temporary, you won’t be miserable forever.
I keep hearing people say or quoting something along the lines of finding what it is you love to do most and it will lead you to your life’s passion. I have no idea what is ahead of me on this journey. I am quite frankly just enjoying the scenery at the moment. I’m doing my best to gather and learn all I can so that when I can finally and clearly see my path that I will be well prepared and ready to take on the challenges that are waiting for me. I’m giving myself the breathing room now to do it and to not place unnecessary pressure on something that simply cannot be rushed. I remind myself daily to be kind and to address the powerful goddess that I know is inside of me…and you, too!