Since last August I have been told time and again that I need to give myself time to mourn. “Wha?” has been my general response to this. While this message has come from close friends, chosen family and blog commenters alike, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept. No one died. No major injury or damage had occurred…but I’m getting told to mourn?
This was in the aftermath of my selling my cafe. I had no time to think! My mother in law and niece were in town for two weeks starting the day before I sold the cafe! Which I thought was awesome. We went swimming every single day! I didn’t think about it much. I was just enjoying myself. Sleeping in! Woo!
Then they went back home and we were suddenly back to our usual routine, only there was no usual routine. My routine was gone. I relished in the openness of it all at first. I felt like I could take the reigns of my life again. I started to look for work. It was all very exciting. Well, until the interviewing began, that’s never fun! Ugh! But I approached the process differently this time and tried to enjoy what I could in it.
Then I started to get lonely. At least at the Cafe I could talk to my customers, regulars and friends. Now I was home alone with only the Puggyman to converse with. He’s a great sympathetic ear, but not much to say back unless his ball rolls under the couch. It got to me…again! It had happened before I opened the cafe. I went a bit mad being alone and silent all day long. I would hang my hopes on my husband coming home from work and then be brutally crushed each time he didn’t want to talk or cuddle or anything (which was most of the time).
I tried to focus on my blog. My writing improved and I tried to stick with a routine/schedule. That was important to me for many reasons, but mostly for sleep and sanity! A schedule really has been the key to managing my insomnia all of these years. It’s only when I let it slide that it comes back to bite me. If you struggle with insomnia, I have tried it all and a schedule is the only thing that has ever worked or me…well other stuff, hit me up if you’d care to hear about it.
Then I was all caught up in the details and drama of Fatty Affair. And then I got the job offer from HappyGoat! And then NYE happened and then I asked my husband for a divorce and then Fatty Affair happened and then I moved…
I don’t think I ever took a moment to process it all. I mean, how could I? I’m still not entirely unpacked but I’ve already begun the remodel on my bathroom! You’d get the impression that I’m trying to keep myself busy, but I assure that isn’t the case. I just feel a need to change things if I can, when I can. I don’t know. I don’t feel busy at all. I feel…bored and lonely a lot. Like I have no grasp on my own emotions. I cry at the oddest of times. Like the fucking drive-thru! For no reason at all!
I’m not used to this. Time escapes me and sneaks up on me and falls through my fingers. I’m constantly waiting or wanting or hurrying or ugh! I only work part time right now so that’s not helping my mental state much. Too much time to think or be idle. I think way too much, y’all! And while I’ve been doing okay with writing here as per usual, my creativity is otherwise sapped. And I have all of these cool things to make stuff with but…no ideas/inspiration/motivation.
The other day, when I was supposed to go on my first “tiny adventure” I got home from work all stoked and happy. Truly, I looked gorgeous and was feeling great. Something just suddenly came over me. I was mega sad. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t go out like that, didn’t even know what I wanted to do. So I hit the drive-thru before heading over to hang out with my husband. This is when I cried in the damned drive-thru! Though strangely, it was only after I ordered my chicken teriyaki bowl. Hmm?!
I went over to my husband’s and we watched some episodes of Bizarre Foods and ate food and chilled out. And then the tears really did come…in waterfalls, silently. B held me tightly and I needed that. I couldn’t explain my tears, but he didn’t demand it either. It’s nice to not have to explain, though I wish my head would shut up about it. I question everything! I am not patient with myself. I just don’t know how to be. I’m not used to feeling the entire gamut of emotions on a daily basis. It’s exhausting!
But again, I am told that I am in mourning or that I need to give myself time to mourn and grieve. Is it possible that I just don’t know how? Time? That is all I got, folks! I’m great fun and company for others, but not so much for myself lately. I can be and I’m getting a bit better, well, calmer…but it’s fucking hard! I’m so grateful that my husband doesn’t hate me for all of this, we’re still very close, still friends. I am sleeping better. But I’m not going out and doing things like I’d originally wanted/intended to. I feel a freeze in my step or my ideas and motivations.
I guess it’s just that I’ve never lost someone suddenly enough to need to mourn them per se. Like, I’ve lost people, but they were very ill and it was better that they be out of misery, you know? The only time I can think of “mourning” someone was a bad relationship that I tried to kill myself over, well, wanted to anyway. Very nearly did. Stupid bastard! Love, eh?! Ha-ha! I mourned that relationship for longer than the relationship itself even lasted. I chose to dwell in it like I was going for an award or something. But I don’t want that now. Not much has actually changed, I feel.
Am I fooling myself? I just want to feel fucking normal and like myself. I get glimpses of that but then I don’t. I want fun and excitement and adventure, but when I try I get fucking sad and stupid. I hate this. I know I will get through this, but I hate how I just have to live in it. Like, even when I’m feeling my most fabulous (and spot a gorgeous boi to hit on), I balk! That’s not me! I’m awesome! Why the fuck am I a coward about shit all of a sudden? Ugh!
Thank you all for listening to my whining. I thank you for your love and support. You’re always there for me and know just what to say. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life, truly. <3