NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Memories & Emotions

November18

Last night, hanging out with the best boyfriend in the known universe, we were hungry and I was cold and wanted hot food. So we hit up a German restaurant in the town I grew up in. I knew he’d like the food, I knew it’d be good and hot and hearty and I needed that sort of comfort at that moment. As we pulled into the parking lot I realized just how long it had been since I’d set foot in that place. As we ordered and sat down with our generously portioned meals I realized nothing had changed. It looked exactly the same as it did twenty years ago!

And then, quite suddenly, I was flooded with memories, good and bad. There’s so much about my hometown that I hate and can’t stand to think about. Mostly things that have happened to me there. I was surprised at how many good memories came rushing back to me, too. I got a bit emotional. The food and the wonderful company and the memories of eating just two tables away with my bff Summer and her mom before our 8th grade graduation, eating the very same meal I was last night. Wow!
In conversation, my Special Geek mentioned butter on sandwiches and I was happily surprised to hear that this is a U.K. thing and thus growing up with my grandma putting butter on our turkey sandwiches wasn’t so weird after all! Yay! I seriously thought it was just my weird family. Ha-ha! Talk of Sunday roast dinners and our favorite bits was a nice, if not more memory inducing for me. I realized that it’s been ten years since my grandma died and that was a bit hard to grasp. And then it hit me pretty hard how different my life is now. I don’t know what my grandma would think of the choices I’ve made the last few years. I know she’d be glad that I am so happy now.
Even though things at work have been super hard, I’m happy. I really just cannot believe that I have this amazing life! The last time I lived in my hometown was not for good reasons. I had to move back home for a year due to a huge financial pitfall. It was awful. I threw myself into some bad situations and too many bottles of Jose Cuervo Gold. *Barfs* I was depressed and struggling with my PTSD, though I hadn’t a clue what to call it at the time. I never wanted to return to that town, but it’s local and I sometimes have to drive by/through it. No biggie, usually. Last night was just such a mix of good and bad that I think it messed up my brain for a bit. My sweet fella didn’t know what to do, I assured him I was okay and just emotional.
Well, this morning, he text me that HE LOVES ME! And that he was so worried about me because of how sad I looked last night and that he only wants me to be happy. I sobbed tears of pure joy (in front of my co-worker, ha!) when I got that text! It’s not that I didn’t know it, but to see the words (I can’t wait to hear them!) from him for the first time?!?! *Dies* He is just the best thing to happen to me, y’all! He makes me excited for the future again. He brings out the best and the silliest in me and just…wow! I’m over the moon!
Seeing my old stomping grounds last night gave me a few sort of flashes of what has happened to me. It seems a lifetime ago, but then it also feels like yesterday. It’s taken me so long to heal those wounds and my psyche. I am better and stronger than the girl I once was and I can no longer think about what might have been had such atrocities not befallen me. I now have the life I want! I have worked very hard to get it and not one moment has been easy, but it’s all been so worth it! I finally feel like I have control over my life and have chosen the right people to share it with.
I don’t know what my original point was for this post. I’m just sort of stupidly happy and emotional right now. Ha-ha! I want to shout from the rooftops!!! I can’t wait to see my fella tonight and give him all the kisses! We’re planning a road trip together and I cannot wait to see him! I know some may think that I’ve always been so lucky in love, but that’s not true. I have suffered so greatly at the hands and hearts of men (and a girl or two) and I have learned my lessons the hard way each and every time. I’d given up on love. I used to be in love with love and then it was extinguished for me. I felt dead inside for awhile. I fooled myself into believing lust was the same thing for a bit, but in the end I knew better and had to figure myself out all over again. To finally feel the real thing? Not the easy thing, mind you, but the genuine article? It feels like nothing I’ve ever experienced before! And I’m done questioning it! It’s mine and I shall nurture it and enjoy every moment I possibly can!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL!
<3
S
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