Sometimes we go through our daily lives not entirely present. Or we do our best to not let whatever current emotional state or stress we’re under affect other people by always saying, “I’m okay.” Boy, do I know it…I fucking live it! I have been saying, “I’m okay.” for three months now. I’ve begun to question weather I’m saying it for the other person or if I’m trying to convince myself now. I don’t like it. I want to be real. I want to be authentic and honest. But we never want to burden others with our woes, do we? We aren’t allowed, socially, to be honest in that way. I’ve started to say, “I’ll be okay.” instead and it feels a bit truer. I often don’t have the ability to stop telling people my shit once I’ve started, so I’ve been practicing the not starting part lately.
I’ve spent so much time completely alone lately that I never quite feel comfortable. I have this constant feeling of suspense. Ugh! I hate suspense, except in movies. In life, suspense is just plain old anxiety and that ain’t no kinda fun for nobody! I also keep feeling like I’m being watched or someone is about to walk in or something, no matter where I am. Paranoid much?! I’ve never been alone like this. My boss went out of town for a week and I’ve been just entirely alone. If not for the radio, my many sighs and the chatty chickens outside, it would be silent. That frightens me, but I don’t know why.
We are so afraid to show our vulnerabilities, to admit fears and to seek support from others. Why is that? It’s bullshit! Where did that start? Is it a Victorian thing or something? I don’t even know why I think it would be, but I have a sense of a societal pressure thing, like putting on airs so everyone thinks everything’s fine. I don’t know, man. But we need each other way more than we allow ourselves to admit or accept. And that sucks if you ask me. I like being able to talk to people about things, all the things. I didn’t get the title of “Queen of TMI” for nothin’, but a lot of people come to me for support as well and I am always glad and flattered to give it.
I’m of the belief that human interaction and connections are what make your life what it should be. It makes it just more real and educational and often awesome if you let it. And that’s the tough part, letting it! We get in the way of so much of our own joyful possibilities. Out of fear, out of denial and pain, we just do and it sucks. We struggle to be honest with ourselves, let alone others. If we can’t face ourselves, address or even admit how we feel, how can we begin to heal? How can we connect?
I have surprised and humiliated myself this last weekend and I’m still breathing. I was all of the emotions all of the time! And when I finally gave myself a moment of space, calmness and some self-caring, I realized just how nuts I’d made myself. It frightened me that I could let my emotions and insecurities spiral out of control so fast! I don’t know what got into me! I don’t know what made me act like a child, but I did. It took me awhile to even see that I’d overreacted. But I gathered myself, I grounded myself, I treated myself better suddenly and realized what I needed to do. I needed to respect myself and my abilities and just be. That’s it. I have a hard time with that. I advise others to just be. To just be true to themselves and I do the opposite and suffer the sometimes heavy consequences. It’s true that I cannot just do one thing. I am always, ALWAYS, doing or thinking of multiple things.
I let myself down and I let it humble me, too. How a friend handled me in that situation hurt at the time, but it was the right thing to do. I see that now. I am lucky to have them in my life. I need that. I need people who are willing and brave enough to call me out on my bullshit. I never knew how valuable and just how rare a quality that is. I have made men cower before me, I have brought good friends to tears…and for what? But this friend? Well, two friends actually, they showed me the beauty in honesty and even the harshest realities. I am so grateful to them. I am so thankful to have them in my life and to be able to trust them so completely. I may give too much of myself away, I wear my heart on my sleeve and then some, but these two special people have shown me that that is okay to do. I love you both. Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth every step of the way.