After all of that magical fun I had all this past weekend, I’m am as down as can be at the moment. It is as though it’s suddenly hit me that the last three years were sort of an era and it has come to a close. Not just my cafe, though that is a major part, but I am losing friends to this bullshit economy…STILL!!!
Monday night my closest friends/chosen family went out to karaoke for one last hurrah for our friend Tom who is moving back to the east coast today. I even managed to get my husband to come along and be our designated driver. My intentions were pure: drink, sing, be merry! Only, it didn’t quite work out that way. Tom had come down with a cold or something and showed up unable to sing. Plus he had to get up fairly early and couldn’t stay. I think we each sang a song for him (he chose Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” for me) and he seemed to enjoy the evening’s company at any rate. But then he had to go and he said goodbye to each of us and gave us hugs and lots of love and suddenly the air went out of me. I’m not very good at showing my emotions sometimes, so I may not have seemed so terribly sad, but I felt a great loss. What can I say? Tom was the guy no one knew, yet we did know him on some level and each in our own ways.
Okay, I know it’s not like he’s dying, but it fucking feels like it! Yet another close friend is leaving for cheaper living in the hopes of an actual future. We’re all sick and tired of struggling, no one knows this more than me. I get it! I do! But it also fucking hurts each time I have to say goodbye to someone I love. I feel like a three year old, “It’s not fair!!!”We always say we’ll keep in touch and visit and all of that, but it never happens. My dear sweet Freddy never even emails me…we used to text each other everyday! I just…Ugh! *Sobs*
It seems with the first day of Autumn there was a perceivable shift. The weather, the hopes for tomorrow, and now I feel as though there’s no longer a chance for dreams becoming realities. I know that’s bullshit, but for now it is what I am feeling. Many of my friends are going through the wringer right now and my heart goes out to them. We’re all so depressed we can’t even get angry anymore. You know it’s bad when I can’t get angry about something. But I just don’t have it in me today. Saturday night may have truly been the most fun I’d had in ages, and now I can’t believe it’s all over and gone.
How much longer can we believe that things will get better? This economy has taken almost everything from me. While I have new friends and am enjoying getting to know them and pushing myself to be more social, it takes a lot out of me. And I have moments when I wonder what it’s all for and consider hiding under the covers forever. It’s like everything has come to a head and I feel like I will be left behind if I don’t find the strength to kick that fucker down! I dunno…what am I even saying? I’m just tired of losing. I was almost at a point this weekend when I thought that everything will in fact be okay and very soon. That things were already picking up and getting better. Maybe that is true, but I can’t see it today.
I just wish there was a way I could improve things for those I love. Right now that’s a lot of people, but I have a lot of love, yo! Yet I can’t even improve things for myself. Shit! I can’t even get to a damned copy place and mail my stupid state tax bullshit for my cafe! For all of my supposed bravery, I feel like a damned coward right now. I don’t know why, but I almost feel like I could have done something to prevent Tom from having to leave us, but what? It’s pretty vain to even think that. I don’t feel like I was a very good friend to him either. Yet here I am crying to stupid face off. Ha-ha!
I seriously thought a bowl of soup and some sitcoms would do the trick. I think it may have made it all so much worse. And this pity party has to walk the dog in a minute. Sorry to bum y’all out, I’ll be fine, always am. Just need to swim in some sorrow today I think. I hope that everything is good with you and yours. If it’s not, you have my love and hugs! We can get through this! We have to! <3
This picture was from several years ago. This is my chosen family. These are the people who mean the world to me. That’s Tom standing on the right, my husband in the booth with his Mama, Jery The Actorvist on the left, “Q” and P to the left just above him…it was my birthday. This is one of my favorite pictures ever. I have it up in my apartment, too. Look how awesome and happy we were? And now I feel like we’re all being pulled in different directions. Oh well. Here’s to fond memories and hopefully happier reunions. <3