This weekend was so emotionally exhausting I feel nearly ill over it still. With all that has been happening in my life since the new year began you’d think I could handle anything that came my way. I think I’ve reached my breaking point though. It is very hard to be going through so much just in my own life, but so many people I know are also going through some seriously heavy shit and friends have to be there for each other. Without my friends I would be nothing, I know this. I do my best to support my friends and be there for them physically and emotionally whenever possible.
Friday night I spent with a good friend putting together an Ikea dining room set. Sounds simple enough, but we were both tired and our conversations pendulously swung from heavy shit to hilarious. Hours of the back and forth on top of the physical demands of allen-wrenching your way to new furniture and drapes, well, we were pooped! I enjoy hanging out with her and it’s actually been great to see more of her lately, I just wish life was better for both of us right now. To step back and see how our lives have taken shape over the years (twenty to be specific about it) and where we are now is just, well, jarring! But we are strong and amazing women and I know we’ll get through this and onto the next adventure soon!
Saturday I was supposed to hang out with a friend. We were both looking forward to it and I got up and got dolled up and waited for her to call…until she didn’t! I freaked out! This is someone never without their phone, ever! Plus, a promise had been made to me, “no excuses” and I don’t handle broken promises well, at all! I had cleared my whole day and ended up sitting at home in my new place climbing the walls. I’m hormonal and emotional and I went beyond batty. I just fucking hate not knowing, ya know? It’s torture to sit here and allow my mind to come up with awful scenarios. But that is what happened and I wish I could say I acted maturely about it, but I didn’t. I let it get to me, bad. It hurt. I felt jilted. And it made me realize that I take promises very seriously and maybe other people just don’t. This has been a pattern in my life: broken promises and heartbreak. Ugh!
Sunday morning I got up and I just needed to know what happened the day before with my friend. So I got coffee and headed over and woke her ass up! Ha-ha! It was a big misunderstanding and she was very apologetic and I think we’re okay know. But I can’t help but feel hesitant to trust or take her or anyone else at their word for awhile. Fortunately I had made plans to hang out with Jeanette and head to San Francisco to a place called “Scrap.” It’s a bit difficult to explain what it is, but if you’re creative and crafty you’d love it! We met up with Marilyn Wann there, too! Always a delight! Our friend Lind’as band, Nothin’ But Fun, was playing there for the fundraising event and it was just a fantastic vibe all over the damned place! After we purchased our random goods, we went for coffee and crepes with Marilyn and talked about everything from fat politics to the female orgasm…nice!
Sometimes you don’t realize what a delusional jack ass you’re being until a good friend tells you. And not just tells you, but gets “real” with you about it. Jeanette did that for me in a way that I could handle, but was shocked by, too. I am so grateful that she did. I have so much to process now and I needed to hear what she had to tell me. While I began to cry from the sudden realization of the swirling vortex that is my chaotic life right now, I was thankful that she and I are that close and that she could be so honest with me. I need to be called out on my shit sometimes. It’s okay. I do it for others and I would do it for her, too. It was just, grounding? Yes, I think that’s it. I get so caught up in my own head that I can convince myself of things that aren’t as honest as I should be with myself. Does that make sense? Eh…My point is that I needed her perspective and even though the flood gates opened (and didn’t close the rest of the evening) it was what I needed to hear and what I need to be considering on my own for awhile. Thanks, doll!
After I left Jeanette’s I went over to my BFF’s place for dinner and much television watching! And with each hello I cried and cried! “I’m hormonal!” I kept explaining. I was so happy to see them and so grateful to have them in my life. I felt like I was back at my grandma’s house for dinner, that comforting and good. And my husband was there and he was so sweet to me. Sometimes I start to allow myself to believe that I don’t deserve these people or this kind of treatment, but it feels closest to any home I’ve ever had or could dream. We watched the new Absolutely Fabulous and The Grammy’s and Walking Dead and America’s Funniest Home Videos and I laughed and I cried (a lot of crying). My husband held me on the couch while we watched Walking Dead and yeah, that made me cry too, but in a good way. I love him and he loves me and I felt that.
It’s all so confusing and emotionally tiring and I don’t know up from down right now, but I need to accept that I am going through a lot and carrying this big emotional burden on my own. Why that is so hard for me to admit I don’t know. But I need to fucking own it! I have these incredible people in my life that are always there for me. I am so grateful and thankful for that. I don’t know where I’d be without them. I can’t believe I’ve only been in my new place for a week! It feels like forever. I’m going back for dinner again tonight, this time at my husband’s place. I can’t wait to see my puggyman, it’s been a few days (saw him for one minute last night and my heart shattered). More crying is in store for me today. That’s okay. I think it’s okay for me to do that right now. I just hope others understand. Thanks for reading.