NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Hormonally Yours

February13

This weekend was so emotionally exhausting I feel nearly ill over it still. With all that has been happening in my life since the new year began you’d think I could handle anything that came my way. I think I’ve reached my breaking point though. It is very hard to be going through so much just in my own life, but so many people I know are also going through some seriously heavy shit and friends have to be there for each other. Without my friends I would be nothing, I know this. I do my best to support my friends and be there for them physically and emotionally whenever possible.

Friday night I spent with a good friend putting together an Ikea dining room set. Sounds simple enough, but we were both tired and our conversations pendulously swung from heavy shit to hilarious. Hours of the back and forth on top of the physical demands of allen-wrenching your way to new furniture and drapes, well, we were pooped! I enjoy hanging out with her and it’s actually been great to see more of her lately, I just wish life was better for both of us right now. To step back and see how our lives have taken shape over the years (twenty to be specific about it) and where we are now is just, well, jarring! But we are strong and amazing women and I know we’ll get through this and onto the next adventure soon!

Saturday I was supposed to hang out with a friend. We were both looking forward to it and I got up and got dolled up and waited for her to call…until she didn’t! I freaked out! This is someone never without their phone, ever! Plus, a promise had been made to me, “no excuses” and I don’t handle broken promises well, at all! I had cleared my whole day and ended up sitting at home in my new place climbing the walls. I’m hormonal and emotional and I went beyond batty. I just fucking hate not knowing, ya know? It’s torture to sit here and allow my mind to come up with awful scenarios. But that is what happened and I wish I could say I acted maturely about it, but I didn’t. I let it get to me, bad. It hurt. I felt jilted. And it made me realize that I take promises very seriously and maybe other people just don’t. This has been a pattern in my life: broken promises and heartbreak. Ugh!

Sunday morning I got up and I just needed to know what happened the day before with my friend. So I got coffee and headed over and woke her ass up! Ha-ha! It was a big misunderstanding and she was very apologetic and I think we’re okay know. But I can’t help but feel hesitant to trust or take her or anyone else at their word for awhile. Fortunately I had made plans to hang out with Jeanette and head to San Francisco to a place called “Scrap.” It’s a bit difficult to explain what it is, but if you’re creative and crafty you’d love it! We met up with Marilyn Wann there, too! Always a delight! Our friend Lind’as band, Nothin’ But Fun, was playing there for the fundraising event and it was just a fantastic vibe all over the damned place! After we purchased our random goods, we went for coffee and crepes with Marilyn and talked about everything from fat politics to the female orgasm…nice!

Sometimes you don’t realize what a delusional jack ass you’re being until a good friend tells you. And not just tells you, but gets “real” with you about it. Jeanette did that for me in a way that I could handle, but was shocked by, too. I am so grateful that she did. I have so much to process now and I needed to hear what she had to tell me. While I began to cry from the sudden realization of the swirling vortex that is my chaotic life right now, I was thankful that she and I are that close and that she could be so honest with me. I need to be called out on my shit sometimes. It’s okay. I do it for others and I would do it for her, too. It was just, grounding? Yes, I think that’s it. I get so caught up in my own head that I can convince myself of things that aren’t as honest as I should be with myself. Does that make sense? Eh…My point is that I needed her perspective and even though the flood gates opened (and didn’t close the rest of the evening) it was what I needed to hear and what I need to be considering on my own for awhile. Thanks, doll!

After I left Jeanette’s I went over to my BFF’s place for dinner and much television watching! And with each hello I cried and cried! “I’m hormonal!” I kept explaining. I was so happy to see them and so grateful to have them in my life. I felt like I was back at my grandma’s house for dinner, that comforting and good. And my husband was there and he was so sweet to me. Sometimes I start to allow myself to believe that I don’t deserve these people or this kind of treatment, but it feels closest to any home I’ve ever had or could dream. We watched the new Absolutely Fabulous and The Grammy’s and Walking Dead and America’s Funniest Home Videos and I laughed and I cried (a lot of crying). My husband held me on the couch while we watched Walking Dead and yeah, that made me cry too, but in a good way. I love him and he loves me and I felt that.

It’s all so confusing and emotionally tiring and I don’t know up from down right now, but I need to accept that I am going through a lot and carrying this big emotional burden on my own. Why that is so hard for me to admit I don’t know. But I need to fucking own it! I have these incredible people in my life that are always there for me. I am so grateful and thankful for that. I don’t know where I’d be without them. I can’t believe I’ve only been in my new place for a week! It feels like forever. I’m going back for dinner again tonight, this time at my husband’s place. I can’t wait to see my puggyman, it’s been a few days (saw him for one minute last night and my heart shattered). More crying is in store for me today. That’s okay. I think it’s okay for me to do that right now. I just hope others understand. Thanks for reading.

 

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4 Comments to

“Hormonally Yours”

  1. On February 13th, 2012 at 2:39 pm Twistie Says:

    Of course it’s scary to shoulder Big Ass Emotional Turmoil on your own. It’s a scary place to be and it’s really okay to admit it isn’t one tiny iota of fun.

    Oh, and I haven’t known a single person in all the years I’ve lived on this planet and in all the crowds I’ve known who couldn’t talk themselves into some justification bullshit. We all do it sometimes. Even the most level-headed and rational of us do it once in a while. Hell, I’ve known people who couldn’t make it from rolling out of bed to the breakfast table without a megadose of delusion. That’s not you and it’s not going to become you. OTOH, you wouldn’t be human if you couldn’t come up with a damn good bit of spurious logic to explain why you’re the injured party or why you’re the loftier soul over something.

    The good news is (a) it doesn’t happen all that often, and (b) you’ve got a friend willing to call you on your bullshit in a way that actually allows you to listen and learn. Anyone who has those two things going for them is way ahead of second place.

    Hormonal you may or may not be (and hey, I’m certainly not in the right pair of Doc Martins to tell on that!), but you are certainly in mourning, so tears are going to come ridiculously easily for a while. It’s even okay to admit to being in mourning.

    In some ways, I kind of wish we hadn’t as a society tossed out so much of mourning tradition. It might be nice if instead of resolutely determining that being in a crappy mood is some sort of mortal sin, we’d allowed people to choose for themselves what to go into mourning over and how long they wish to remain in it. The rules of mourning clothing were overly rigid for a long, long time but I think we threw out the baby with the bath water. Seeing someone in mourning clothes used to signal people that they might need to handle that person’s emotions with a little extra delicacy. It was sort of a social Yield sign, in a way.

    What? I, too, can blather with the best of them!

    We certainly do need to work out a time when we can get together. And if you are having a rotten emotional day when we do, just remember that i have two super-absorbent shoulders; no waiting.

  2. On February 13th, 2012 at 11:25 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thank you for making me feel like a normal human being. I don’t know when I’ve felt more “crazy” but your words always seem to make sense or strike a chord with me. *Hugs*

  3. On February 13th, 2012 at 4:53 pm christine Says:

    You have every right to feel what you feel, you have the right -and the responsibility – to express it. Storing up emotion is toxic, you need to let it out whether that be screaming anger and emotion at the top of your lungs somewhere in the middle of nowhere, or letting yourself loose with friends. One of the hardest, and best, things I’ve done for myself recently is phone up a friend and start the conversation with “i feel vulnerable”. I’ve never let my guard down so much before; just saying those words were healing. Sometimes when we’re sad, when we’re in shock, we start grieving for experiences that happened years ago – that’s ok too. Realise that right now your emotions need to heal just as a broken leg does. You would never think of trying to walk on a fracture – you would tend to it, and let it heal. You can’t ignore an emotional hurt just the same.. Like the leg it needs attention and time to heal, if you try to use it normally and ignore the damage something’s going to give.

    Keep an eye on that line between emotional and depressive. Write down a list of things you like about yourself and are proud of – even better ask us to tell you what we like about you. You are amazingly strong and inspirational. You have convictions like some people never have the confidence to, and you have the courage to fight the beliefs of society. Don’t you realise what you are?

    Take time to recognise beauty, in yourself, others and the world around you. Sometimes it helps to stare at clouds and realise what a tiny part of the universe you are, but what a big impact you can make to others.

    Look after yourself too, make sure you’re eating properly and staying active, its amazing how much it can help.

    Take care, and keep fighting Xx

  4. On February 13th, 2012 at 11:27 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Christine: Thank you. You’re quite right. I’d had a thought today of the last time I was on my own and how depressed I was. I know now that I was suffering from PTSD, but at the time I just felt worthless. This feels so different from that time, but I am mindful of not getting too carried away with sad thoughts. The tears? Well, they seem to be coming weather I can help it or not, but I’ve been told to ride it out. Thank you for your kind words and support. I hope you know how much you mean to me! *Hugs*

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