Can we talk about the small stuff? Can we please just all give ourselves a pat on the fucking back for once?! For what? For surviving in this world, in this society. Just getting through a day, a night, an hour and a minute! Things are hard! If I catch myself thinking out more than a day in advance I have to stop because it is just too heavy. I’m in recovery mode here and stress is a killer! I can’t even, ya know?! So when something does go right, even if it’s tiny, I gotta celebrate that shit! Woo!
If I have to do all this adult-ing garbage, “hey, I didn’t sign up for this shit!”, then I get to make a big deal outta very little, dammit! I went to the post office today, woo hoo! I paid a bill! Yeeaahhhh! And I get to choose how I should celebrate. Right now it’s a glass of Cabernet and some Billy Holiday. Sounds way classier than it is, I promise, but it doesn’t matter. Celebrate the little things how you see fit, so long as it makes you feel good. I have a snoring puggo at my feet and Ms. Holiday’s velvety melodies soothing my soul. It ain’t all bad, ya know?

Sometimes I forget I’m fat. That seems absurd, no doubt. I’m a “DeathFat” at 325 lbs, plus with my red hair there’s just no missing me. I think I have surrounded myself with like minded people for so long that when I am on my own in public I feel like a regular person, I don’t feel bigger than others. I often even refer to myself as “little” but I know better. I know the world doesn’t see me this way. I have been shocked more often than I care to recall with what strangers have said to me in public about my size, my buying choices, food choices, etc. Today I got hit on in a CVS in a clever way and it actually made me feel good. I also forget that humans can be attracted to me.  It’s been awhile, y’all! Ha-ha!

I don’t have a problem with someone noticing my size, but we all get that manners are not optional in such matters, yes? Same for dudes who’s jaws drop when a girl’s showin’ some cleav’! I’m very comfortable in and with my body, but I am endlessly amazed at how disconnected folks are from theirs. I mean, the amount of space some people take up compared to what I know my body needs?! Whew! *Shrugs* Takes all types I suppose, but rudeness isn’t okay. I will tell a person when they cross a line with me. I owe no one a thing!

Having more free time lately has allowed me to wear clothes I haven’t in ages. I’m wearing dresses again and got my nails painted! It’s been 6 months! I toyed with the idea of chopping my hair, but friends talked me out of it. I’m glad that they did. My hair hasn’t been this long since 2004 (though it was down to my ass then)! I am learning to love me again. It’s been far too long. It’s such a strange feeling and so difficult to describe but it’s almost as if I haven’t seen myself in a year. Like, not even in the mirror. Like I’ve blocked out my own identity all of this time.

I’m definitely having an identity crisis. I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life right now. I get words of encouragement from well meaning friends about following passions and finding my creativity again, but you know, bills gotta get paid. I don’t even know what my passion is anymore. I don’t know what I’m good at or how what I can do or have done could turn into a long term job. So many people don’t understand (or don’t want to) what it takes to start or run a business, or that I have no interest or means to do this again. One crisis at a time, please. 😛

I’m definitely in a coming out of something bad phase. I don’t know where life or the universe will lead me next, but I am finding ways to be hopeful again.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S