I fear that I have spent so much of my life wearing a brave face or a mask. I have recently begun to take it off with select company and have been pleasantly surprised by the reactions. It’s frightening to let this vulnerability show. It’s very fucking hard, too! I am blessed (not lucky) to have such strong and amazing souls connected to my own. I have also come to the realization that at times when I thought I was being real and my authentic self that I wasn’t completely. That I was always holding something back. I’m great at self delusion…wish I could get paid for it! Ha-ha!
As I peel away these layers of armor and let the real me shine through, even through the cracks and damage of the past, I am finding that I am far more fearful of the world than I realized. When I am feeling strong and most fulfilled I am living my fat life out loud and participating in my fat community. When it comes to living and participating in my own life I am weak and afraid and unsure and paranoid. Why is that? I have such talents and strengths and surely it’s not only when doing something outside of myself. But here I am.
This year has tested me and challenged me and I think I’ve met each moment of tribulation with openness, honesty, bravery and maybe even *shock* a dash of grace. Here I am just seven days away from my first independent birthday and I am feeling so lost and small and alone in a way I never would have imagined. I was so excited for this milestone. I was ready to take charge and control of my own happiness and life. And now I’m falling into old patterns of insomnia, scattered thoughts, anxiety and paranoia. What the hell?!
I am an action-oriented gal. I never saw myself this way before, but when a friend said it to me last night, it felt right to me. When I want or need something, when a friend needs something, I just do it or go. I’m there! But when I can’t take action, when I can’t influence or change things for the better, I lose my shit, basically. When I see someone I care about sitting in misery and letting the world pass them by, it breaks my heart and I feel impotent. You just can’t make people see their own potential. You can’t make them see their life as worthwhile and full if they’re not ready to. You can’t make someone leave a bad situation if they don’t see it as that. I know, because I’ve been there.
It is precisely because of my own life experiences that I am so easily hurt by others. You would think or hope that I would learn, and I have, but it doesn’t change my desire to help and to heal. Because when I love someone, when I care about them or something, when it matters, when I’m excited about something, I jump in with both feet! I love with my whole self and with such passion that it quite frankly can freak people out. So I hold back. I put on the brave face and walk with careful steps and try to find my place in the world or in others lives and I always get hurt. I learn the hardest way and I keep doing it again and again.
I have had some progress, though. I have found a breaking point at which I know I must walk away. When fully and completely disrespected, lied to or abused, I have little tolerance. I no longer hold grudges and now accept genuine apologies; this is new for me and I am happy with this stage of emotional maturity. Who knew while facing the big 3-5 that I would still be filled with so much room for growth?! Not I! Ha-ha!
I had such high hopes for this birthday. I think I placed such importance upon it because the last two were downright devastating. I can’t go through that again, but I’ve done nothing to insure that it won’t happen either. I don’t know why that is or what I can do about it right now. I know that when I put my trust and faith in others I end up broken again. So I take control and insist upon something positive and it happens. But this? This just can’t follow that routine. I need to feel special, oh so special, to someone on that day. Why is that? I am special, I know I am, to many and to myself. Ugh!
I don’t know what this new chapter of my life will bring. I’m not completely happy with myself right now, but I’m being careful to not put pressure or to tear myself down like I used to. I want to honor and be my most authentic self and surround myself with like minded people. I need to give myself time to mourn and heal. Very small things can create such huge ripples of emotions. I didn’t want to believe this, but it’s so true. And I’m right in the middle of a tsunami of small actions and huge emotions now. But I know I will come out of this a better person and a brighter and truer me.