NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Gotta Get Outta My Head

August9

Someone linked to this poem in an FB group I am in:

“Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

It really resonated with me.

Talking with a friend last night really helped me sort and process so many things. I came to realize that while hiding myself away from all the scary stuff was a protective measure, that I may have taken it a bit too far. I sort of convinced myself that I was losing my mind when she explained that no, I’d just been cooped up for too long! Ha-ha! She reminded me that I’m an extrovert and need certain things in order to feel normal. And then she reminded of this list I’d posted only a couple days ago on my fb wall. So, we’re having lunch together today…because we both have been meaning to and I need to dip my toe in the social waters a bit before the weekend.

Oh! This Sunday is Cupcakes & Muffintops! My favorite clothing swap in the bay area! I know, some of you might be saying, “But wait?! Don’t YOU host a massive clothing swap each year?” Yes, it’s true, but I never get to participate, so this is my big exciting shopping day of the year. I’ve been saving my pennies so I can buy ALL the DRESSES!!! 😉

Obviously, or not, I’ve been worried about reconnecting with my local fat community after my fat conference debacle. I know others feel as I do, but I won’t allow the bullies and mean girls to win this one. I won’t allow anyone to make me feel that I can’t or shouldn’t do what I want or be social with my favorite people. Fuck that and them! They have no power over me! I wish I could convince others of this as well, but shit, if it’s taken me this long and this hard to get here I certainly can’t expect everyone to want to deal. *Hugs*

I’m doing my best to move on and try not to stay my own worst enemy. I’ve had lots of interviews (and rejections), but this upcoming second interview is very promising and exciting. I’m staying hopeful without getting my hopes too high. I’m trying to be mindful and stay in the present right now, it’s hard and requires constant effort, but it’s happening as much as I can make it so. I am trying to remind myself of the little things I manage to get through each day and celebrate the little things as they come.

Having my dog around the last couple of weeks has been nice sometimes. It stresses me out to no end, too, but it’s those small moments where those puggy eyes just fill up my whole heart! Those spontaneous moments of play! Or just the sweet sound of his chewing his toy with those little satisfactory grunts of his. *Sigh*  He is the best…although pretty gross and sometimes creepy, still the best in the land. Sometimes I still can’t believe how lucky I am to have this perfect little mythical creature in my life. What?! He’s mythical! Shut up!

My brother has been calling me a lot, too. For good reasons! He saw a new doctor recently and things have been improving in the house. He has a bit less restrictions and seems generally happier. There are still a ton of things that piss me off, but I’m letting it go so long as he’s okay with it all. It’s been kind of cool to have these random and bizarre conversations with him. He’s very imaginative and creative and whimsical. It’s refreshing! Ha-ha! And the beauty part is how he ends our calls, “Well, I think I’m done talking. Bye.” I mean?! No pressure, honest, and a nice clean break. Perfection! H-ha! We also talk about music and movies a lot which I love. He has so few opinions that it’s almost hard for me to explain why I hate a band sometimes…this is good! This is a challenge and perhaps will open me up some, eh?!

I have made plans to meet up and hang out with some wonderful people next week as well. I know I will get so much out of it and I just have to push myself out of this self-hate-spiral and hiding business. I’ll do it. I gotta! I have watched all of Awkward Black Girl on YouTube and it’s fucking fantastic! I cannot wait for more! I’m watching Louie on NetFlix currently and enjoying the heck out of that. Comedy is so important, folks. That’s what I’m saying! Ha-ha!

And on that note allow me to leave you with this gem. I do believe it is made of pure bliss! If this doesn’t have you at least smiling the whole time, well, I just can’t help ya. 😉 <3

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One Comment to

“Gotta Get Outta My Head”

  1. On August 9th, 2013 at 1:33 pm Raven Says:

    You know if anyone gives you guff at the swap, that I will stomp them.
    Cause that s what friends are for! especially scary ones like me.

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