NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Getting My Fill

August3

***Trigger warning for talk of food issues, guilt, fatness and such.***

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One of my biggest food issues is simply deciding what to eat. The last few weeks I noticed something, though. I was eating more of what I wanted and paying closer attention to how I felt before, during and after eating. I also finally felt comfortable, not even giving it a thought, asking for seconds…in a party setting…and the seconds were cake!

In the moment I didn’t think about it, but when I ate that second piece of cake I felt good. After I was done, I felt satisfied. I had no shame or guilt, I didn’t look to see if anyone was watching me and to my knowledge no one was nor did anyone give me the side-eye or stink-eye for doing it. This is progress!

I still struggle often to eat in public or even on my own sometimes. It’s odd. I hate the sound of food being eaten. I enjoy cooking but rarely do it for myself. I love food and learning about it and talking about it. I don’t know where my inability to choose what I want to eat in a given moment came from, though. It’s annoying as hell, but it’s not uncommon. I have a lot of people in my life who struggle with this same issue.

It’s possible that simply living where I do and having the myriad of choices and options for food available to me/us is the problem. Too many choices…can’t decide! Ack! But I wonder if that’s all it is. A lot of the time I think I’m almost holding out for the thingthatwillmakemefeelawesome. Sometimes I know what I want or am craving but it isn’t available or easily accessible at the  moment. Then I’m at a loss and it’s even more difficult to decide. Often I will choose whatever is closest/quickest/easiest by default.

I hate food guilt. I hate it perhaps because I grew up poor and didn’t have the choices and options and to hear the things people say makes me sick. I hate how women (men, too) perpetuate the food guilt bullshit. IT IS BULLSHIT!!! Food has no moral value!It never has and never will. Please remember that. All food is or has is fuel via nutrients. This is what keeps our brains and bodies working properly. Deprive yourself at your own risk! (And please consider reading “Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight” by Linda Bacon PHD it was a truly enlightening read. The Kinda edition is only $1.99!)

I have come to a point in my life where hearing about someone’s diet or weight loss goals simply makes me feel very sad and disappointed. I hear “Another one bites the dust” by Queen whenever I hear this shit. It’s old, it’s boring, it’s same shit different day, it’s all also so very damaging. I respect body autonomy and insist upon it in my own life. I will not partake in your body hate conversations. I am all for supporting one’s health and happiness…but there’s so many mixed messages that people honestly believe that they are doing good things for themselves by damaging their bodies and their health with this shit.

I have had to unfriend some folks on my Facebook because of this. I can only speak up and for myself. I choose my battles and put the best information I have out there for all to see (obv.), but in the end I have to worry about me and being bombarded with daily updates and weekly weigh ins on my FB ain’t cool, ever! It’s nothing personal. I may actually love and not only like you as a person, but when someone knows better and makes the decision to take drastic measures anyway? Well, that’s when I bow out. Live and let live.

I have struggled with various eating issues throughout my life. I was surprised but pleased to discover that I no longer feel weird or bad about asking for more if I am not satisfied or turning things down outright without feeling obligated to partake. I know now that it doesn’t make me the fattiest-fatty nor the gluttonest of gluttony…I am just me. I am mindful of how I feel and how what I eat makes me feel. I find that this mindful bit was eluding me for some time. I now taste each bite and consider it. And when I am not hungry I simply do not eat. It’s simple, but not an easy feat.

People often feel the need to offer fat people food, they won’t take no for an answer. They will offer you seconds and thirds and never understand why you ever stop eating. They will give larger portions under the assumption that fat = over eater…IT DOES NOT!!! It can, but so can anorexia and a bunch of other eating disorders. My ass size (which is a size awesome, in case you were wondering) does not dictate my health or lifestyle. I know what is best for me and what feels right and will act and choose accordingly. Thank you.

I share all of this with you so that you may see that you’re not alone, nor am I. We all have stuff going on, especially with food. It’s a broad spectrum and our western culture and marketing has done all it can to fuck us up…successfully I’d say. But I’m fight back and I hope you are as well. We are amazing, multi-faceted individuals that can move mountains and push each other to do and be better. Let us all start doing just that at every meal, too. <3

 

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One Comment to

“Getting My Fill”

  1. On August 4th, 2012 at 11:09 am Veronica Says:

    Totally proud of you and happy for you that you were able to not even think about it when asking for cake seconds (in that type of setting)!
    I’ve noticed that people get kind of weird and keep insiting I eat more too. And I try to explain that I would take more if I felt like it, but I think stopping when you no longer *feel* like continuing eating something is so foreign to so many people that they don’t really get it.

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