I turn thirty-five years old on Thursday and I’m full of feelings, y’all! Good feelings, bad feelings, heavy feelings and just an abundance of unsorted feelings. I was at a party store on Friday buying some decorations for my b-day party when I become weighed down by depression. Normally after acupuncture I’m full of giddiness or euphoria. Something about being alone in a party store planning your own birthday party to insure you actually have a good time just sucked the life out of me.
My last two birthdays were so bad, they were emotionally devastating. So I took matters into my own hands by banning the person who ruined them from any and all future b-day related matters and planning my own fucking birthday party. I’m sure this may seem normal to many of you, but I do it only because if I don’t I will lose my composure and control over my life and let depression take over. It sucks, but it’s true. I don’t have anyone in my life who would ever make a big deal out of my birthday (or anyone’s I suppose). All I have ever wanted is to feel special and loved on my birthday.
I hate that it means so much to me. I wish it didn’t matter to me at all. I mean, I’ve tried that approach, but it sucked worse somehow. When I ask for nothing, I get less than that. When I hope for more than just a simple gesture I get hurt. I’m sick of that shit! I wanna have a bad ass time, yo! And so, that was the theme I chose for my party. “Sarah’s Bad Ass 35th!” Because if I don’t celebrate me, no one will. Gah! That sounds horrible! I’m not having a pity party of one here. I swear I’m not!
I have great and fabulous friends whom I love and am grateful for each and every one of them. But the truth is, everyone’s so busy and forgetful and I suck at asking for what I want most. Then I realized on Saturday that I have nothing planned for my actual b-day. I have to work and then it’s just me. *Sigh* It’s like I planned to shoot myself in the foot, metaphorically. I’m a contradiction, I have come to accept this about myself. One step forward, two steps back.
I’m at a point now that I know I’m okay on my own. But I’m an extrovert and get most out of being with and around others. I don’t need much down or alone time. I take care of myself and am pretty dang good at it by now, but I crave the company and affections of others. So, sue me! Ha-ha! After spending the majority of the last month alone, I’m kind of sick of me.
I recently asked my Facebook friends for suggestions on things to do before I turn 35 and while some of the things were cool and I did them, some just weren’t my bag. So, I’ll ask my lovely readers, what do you think I should do before or on my birthday? I’ve finally gotten the tattoo I’d wanted for ages and while I’d love to be kissed at the top of a Ferris wheel, I don’t think that’s doable with my time constraint (but perhaps by year’s end!). So, give me your suggestions, tell me what the hell I should do to avoid more devastation and pain and I will do it. 🙂
And thank you for your continued love and support. Y’all just get me. <3