NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Frantically Waiting

April11

I spent last night tidying up my room a bit. I pretty much live in that one room and with my recent time away it had grown quite, um, shall we say, chaotic. Ahem. It looked like a tornado went through that sucker! I was putting it off for no reason and now that it’s 40% better I feel about 80% better over all. Is there anything better than getting into a freshly made bed with clean sheets?! Not to mention that they are bright fucking green?! Love it!

With that in mind I did a heap of laundry, turned my mattress and straightened out my pile of shoes. And then I did what hasn’t been done before: I cooked an entire meal for myself for the very first time! It’s not like I don’t eat or ever cook, it’s just that I usually heat things up or make a salad or whatever. But this was a real meal! I was inspired by my friend Laura, whom I stayed with this past weekend. She cooked every meal for the two of us and made it seem so obvious and simple. I adore her!

So I made myself these thin steaks with mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. It was delicious and when I was done I felt perfectly full. Oh, and I had two bottles of hard apple cider, because, reasons. I felt fantastic after that! And I talked out the arrangement with a new as-needed part-time gig I got. I have no idea how much money it will bring in, but it’s something for now. I really want this chamber of commerce office manager job I interviewed for last week. I haven’t heard back yet on that though.

I have had so much weighing on my mind lately. Not knowing when my current job will end has been the biggest, but also my personal life has taken some unexpected turns. *Sigh* I feel as though I’m not allowed to feel certain things and sharing those feelings might be worse than not. I don’t know, I know that sounds super cryptic and confusing, but believe me it is for me as well. Ha-ha!

Coming to terms with a lot of unsaid stuff from my marriage has been surprisingly difficult. Seeing my ex doing things and acting like the man I once fell in love with for someone new has been…painful. What most don’t know and even I had a hard time realizing is that he left our marriage long before I moved out and finally ended it. We got along swimmingly right up until he threw himself head-first into a monogamous relationship with his one and only ex-girlfriend. That was rough. But seeing how his behavior has changed and the sexist shit he says to me has just  been so fucked up! We are friends, but we’re not as close as we were just two months ago. I fear losing his presence in my life entirely and more so losing the close bond I have with my fur babies.

In my love life, well, it’s been kind of fab. The one guy I thought I liked turned out to be a bit of a weirdo and I’m done with him. I currently super like one very special geek, but things are progressing quite slowly. I’m beyond impressed with him and his politeness and respect for/with me has been just lovely. But I’m afraid to like him too much too soon, you see. I don’t want to scare him off or get hurt myself. It’s a tricky thing this stuff! 😉

Then a friend surprised me with a relationship proposal. I didn’t believe it at first. I do now, but I know it’s not possible and will only lead to more pain. I know he could never give me what I need and I think he knows this, too. I told him that I’m open to discussing it further, but I think we both know it just wouldn’t work. He has  no interest in improving himself or his lifestyle and well, his current lifestyle and behavioral patterns often drive me batty just being his damned friend. Ha-ha!

So here I am, waiting…Patiently, frantically, waiting. I hate this! I am ready for some awesome stuff to happen, man. I feel so on the brink, financially and emotionally and it’s fucking exhausting. I do my best to not think about any of it, for fear that I will have a panic attack or worse. I know if I give it too much thought that I will lose my shit all together. So, I stay hopeful and true to me. I listen to heart and more so my gut. I hate that I can’t believe everything even those I love most tell me. It really sucks to know that things were or are kept from me for whatever reason. I would rather the painful truth over a pretty lie any day!

I keep breathing. I keep moving. I keep on keepin’ on because what the hell else can I do? I guess I just want some stability, some independence, some support, some love and lovin’. It is a very scary thing to admit to someone that you’re not getting the support you need. I told my ex just that and all he could do was offer a hug. Haven’t seen him since. Sometimes, you know, that’s all I want is for someone to just hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it’ll all be okay, that I’m good and deserve good things and people in my life. I know this, but I forget it, too. Fuck. Maybe it’s hormones. Or I’m just having a “bad day” or something. I just need some comfort and understanding.

For now I shall take things moment by moment and do my best not to think too far ahead. It’s all unknown anyway. There is some comfort in that I suppose.

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