NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Forward

January25

Today I found myself relishing in this new, but in-between space. The space between things ending and new things beginning. I catch myself trying to absorb details, taking in smells and people’s faces like never before. I don’t mind my own company, but welcome others, too. I talk and listen easily and spoke with a man (who may or may not be homeless) about a book he “wrote” and needs someone to type for him (it’s only audio at the mo). I told him I was about to start my book and he had the biggest smile, “A fellow writer!” I held the door for him to the library as I made my way through. I wondered what his name was and what his book might be about, but before I could ask he was already on his way and chatting with the security guard in a familiar way.

I was dropping off flyers for Fatty Affair at some local colleges and while I always felt out of place in academia before, I don’t anymore. I feel comfortable strolling around and smiling at students and faculty. And why shouldn’t I? I think this space between old and new, end and start, shedding and finding, is a good thing for me to experience. It’s given me a new power of perception and a drive to explore the world with these new eyes. I wandered into an art gallery and bought myself a couple of trinkets. Chatting with the guy as I paid for them, he invited me to come back and check out some cheap/free events they have coming up. Art! How I have missed you?! The community of art is so beautiful to me and attractive!

I walked away from it years ago out of financial necessity, or so I thought. I see now that it was partially fear. I used to fear meeting new people. It sounds silly to me now that I go out of my way to do so. That I gain so much from each new experience. Being vulnerable freaked me out. Now I can see the beauty and value in that. I don’t mind being so open and so raw with people. I am finding it easier to be this way. I don’t want to live with my guard up anymore. I have missed out on too much because of it. I don’t want to live in fear of the world and it’s evils. They are there, I am aware and cautious, but I won’t hide myself away because of them.

I don’t know what each new day will bring into my life or teach me, but I am open and willing to all that comes my way. I want to live my life on my own terms. No more per-conceived notions and prejudices. No more old habits and ways. I’m done. I want to live in the moment. I’ve said this before. It’s a difficult thing to achieve. The mind wanders so easily and dwells on the familiar and repeated. My obsessive nature threatens to return full force but thus far I have managed to keep it at bay (with the exception of music which is very healing, so wev).

As I am about to place my feet firmly on the ground on which I will pave myself (so to speak) and find a new path and continue my journey towards the unknown, I can only hold dear all who have been dear to me. I can only be willing to work and to strive and to do right by myself and others. Perceptions will change and I will too. I will be mindful of my actions and my own needs. There is so much more I want to say and do and experience. I can never let go of my past completely, but I can take with me the lessons I have learned as a result. What more could I hope for?

My independence will be it’s own reward, I hope. Any regrets are my own, too. I know that I am strong and can get through anything. I have carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and finally found a way to put it down again. I no longer feel compelled to do and be everything to everyone. I can only be me. I’m getting better at that part. Just being me and doing what I want to do? That is all I plan on. The rest is up to the universe.

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3 Comments to

“Forward”

  1. On January 25th, 2012 at 9:26 am JM Says:

    Reminds me of one of my favorite questions: When you are trying to be all things to all people, who are you being to yourself?

    You rock friend.

  2. On January 25th, 2012 at 9:54 am Not Blue at All Says:

    JM: love you, gurl

  3. On January 29th, 2012 at 11:37 am Cia Says:

    Sounds like you really feel that you’re alive these days. I think rawness is so much better than numbness most of the time.

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