Having one’s identity tied to their relationship, to anyone, is a tricky thing to handle once that relationship has ended. Dear Zod have I been navigating this for over a year now. Figuring out my own personal identity, what I want from life and my place in the world. Even having different relationships begin and end affecting random and surprising parts of my life. What I have come to learn or know is that I can only worry about me. I can only say what I must and then it is up to the other person or people to do with it what they must. It hurts sometimes, I feel it isn’t fair, to be seen or judged or treated as something because of your association with so and so.
Somehow it’s all beginning to feel new again. I can’t explain it exactly, but I’m hopeful and excited about the world and life again. Last week was the pits and I’m ready for all the awesomeness to come into my life, please? My personal life, I feel, is finally starting to feel like more of my choosing. I’m finding a stride and going with the flow. I’m trying to say yes to things that I want to and seeing where that leads me. Spending time with my amazing friends lately has helped so much. Staying mindful of how I’m feeling in a particular moment has been helping, too. I should re-watch those Alan Watts videos on YouTube…they really helped me about this time last year.
I really don’t understand where in our evolution seeking pleasure became an act of rebellion, sin or taboo. This makes zero sense to me. Shouldn’t we all be seeking some pleasure in our daily lives? I mean, what is it all for, then? For me, silliness is pleasure. Laughing and making others laugh is pleasure. Doing new things, random things, awkward things and even uncomfortable things, in their own unique ways, are pleasure. Like a familiar scent in the air, I want my life to be made up of small comforts, simple pleasures, warmth and love. Oh, here I go again, being all hippie-dippy! Ha-ha!
One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the way others can teach you so much about yourself. I cannot help but feel that life itself is it’s own education. I’m not just talking about life’s lessons. I’m talking about how the entire thing is one fleeting moment after another, never to return or re-do and all we can do is relish in each the best we can. This makes me smile! Meeting new people is like picking up a new book. You aren’t quite sure what you’re getting into, but it’s is exhilarating! I love that feeling.
I got some unexpected sun this weekend and I quite liked it. Revelation! Ha-ha! I did get a bit sunburned, but it was well worth it and it faded the very next day (no pain). I went miniature golfing and had such a blast. It always seems like a silly thing to do (Yay!) but is quite difficult. Well, it is for me. Ha-ha! I’m absolutely terrible at it. Luckily my day-date wasn’t keeping score. 😉 Some sunshine, great conversation between two geeks, what more could you want from a Saturday afternoon?! Well, I was lucky enough to follow it up with friends singing the night away and having a ball doing it.
In spite of my disappointments and struggles, I do feel very rich in love and support. Enjoying my alone time more has been great, too. Getting out and doing things on my own and just generally feeling slightly more in control, ya know? I say this, but I’m doing my best not to freak out over my job/financial situation. It seems that is the missing piece of the puzzle at the moment. So be it. Fretting over it won’t change anything but my current state of mind. *DeepBreath*
Sometimes all we can do is push ahead and do our best. That’s all I can do. So I turn up my Jams, I savor my espresso beverages, I “ride my own melt” and see what the next fleeting moment has to offer. In the end I know I have been through far worse and come out of it alright. And hey, what doesn’t kill us, eh? 😉
Rad Fatty Love to you ALL,