I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at BodyLoveWellness.com

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3