NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Feeling Just Duckie!

October22

One of the most surprising and difficult things I’ve had to navigate this year, repeatedly, is consoling others when news of the end of one of my relationships reaches them. I feel an odd mix of “is this shit for real?” and “why am I consoling you?” and I still don’t understand the half of it.

At the beginning of this year, I chose to end my marriage. Some of my friends understood, stood by me, supported me or at the very least offered to “be there” for me. Some still can’t quite seem to wrap their head around the end of that relationship. It’s difficult, I know, especially when the relationship was for so many years. I get it, our identities get tied to the relationships in our lives.

When a friendship ended in August, I was truly surprised to find myself consoling others when they heard the news. I found myself hugging and comforting them, wiping away their tears and telling them everything was going to be okay. Part of me felt like a phony. Part of me felt like a jerk. I did not understand at all why they would be more upset about this break up than me.

As I move forward in my life, once again taking the reigns after losing my trajectory, I am looking at all of the relationships in my life and wondering why I have the people in my life that I do. Yes, there is some assessing and weather reporting and temperature checking. I feel tensions where none existed before. Perhaps some of my friends think I’m making some poor decisions, I don’t know, none have spoken such things to me. I know only what I feel and what I hope to achieve.

I’m in a strange head space today. It’s a Monday. Ha! I want to believe that my friends know that they can talk to me about anything and everything. That I am always open to discuss whatever. But I know that when I’m going through some heavy shit I tend to push people away. It’s not what I want or need, but it’s what I do and I hope that my friends can be patient with me. Sometimes I do need to be called out on my shit and I am grateful for the brave souls who do. I also feel like, right now, I need a little tenderness.

I often feel misunderstood even when I believe I couldn’t be clearer. When I get the courage to show my pain and expose my vulnerability, well, it doesn’t always work out and I sometimes end up hurting the very person I want comfort from. This human existence is something else, man. When I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain, I knew that this would be my soundtrack for the week. That the purging of those full and beautiful clouds I’d been enjoying the last couple of weeks would have to come down and cleanse all that has come to pass. I refuse to live with regrets and so I’m about to make some more choices (even some tough ones) and ready my slingshot for the launch of this next chapter in my life. <3

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2 Comments to

“Feeling Just Duckie!”

  1. On October 23rd, 2012 at 7:18 am Veronica Says:

    My ex ended up comforting me when I broke up with him. And just a few weeks prior to that I ended up comforting him when he – broke my heart sounds too dramatic, so I guess – crushed my hopes. It was a very strange thing to happen, and at the same time it felt natural to me. Despite this, I find I have great difficulty understanding how your friends could allow you to become the comforter in a situation where the situation is mainly about you and a third party. It seems incredibly insensitive and not at all something a good, supportive friend should do.
    All the best with your choices yet to come!

  2. On October 23rd, 2012 at 9:14 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Veronica: Funny you mention that, my ex has been a great comfort to me lately. It’s been odd and friends tell me I shouldn’t rely on him for such things, but his opinion is that if it feels right we should do it. I don’t really care what people think, but it has been odd. And you’re right about friends being insensitive.

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