NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Fears Faced

January20

Sometimes when you step outside your comfort zone you can sort of lose yourself in the moment. I sort of caught a glimpse of my reflection and didn’t recognize myself. It surprised me, but I liked what I saw versus what I was thinking. It was an interesting moment. Life is a tricky thing and perception can be trickier. But I also think that things do happen for a reason. We can’t always see beyond the moment we’re in at the time, but can begin to come together in unexpected ways, too.

I get so caught up in my own thoughts from time to time that I can literally stress myself out sitting still! Not healthy! I needed to do something. It was eating me up inside. Time, after so many years, can lose it’s reliable pace. Childhood summers often felt endless while winter break always seemed so fleeting. We work full time and forty hours can feel like torture. The monotony of life can weigh us down and we may not even realize it. Soon we’re simply part of the machine or system or matrix…

It takes something unexpected to jolt us back to reality. It takes an event, a tragedy, a person, a gift, a stumble, a windfall. Something occurs and you can’t understand how you ended up where you are. It’s like you’ve just been walking and forgot what your destination was. I turned around and looked at where I was and was surprised that I was where I am. It made me sad. It made me depressed. It made me angry and I began to fight back, but without knowing what I wanted I couldn’t find my next step.

So I faced some fears. I stared them in the face and said, “I just don’t care!” I have to finally live for me. I have to be my most authentic self and grow! Being miserable was never a life goal, so what if that’s how I spent a lot of my time. I always thought I’d get beyond that old shit. I just never did. It was always there, holding me back. I had been so depressed it began to affect my health. I had no appetite. My gust were in knots. My digestion a disaster. I didn’t enjoy things any more. Life just became a routine again. I looked back and realized that the cafe was so awful because it sort of concentrated these feelings into a full time job. That isn’t how I wanted it to be.

I’m not looking for riches. I’m not looking for fame. I’m not looking for anything but my own journey here. I know that I need to break out on my own and see what I can do. It terrifies me and excites me! If I fail now, I do it on my own terms. If I succeed, same thing. This is life! I can “ride my own melt” and find pleasures wherever I seek them. I don’t know what new adventures and challenges this will bring, but that is okay. I’m doing it and I’m in it, for me. <3

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4 Comments to

“Fears Faced”

  1. On January 20th, 2012 at 9:59 am erylin Says:

    as my mom the hippie said to me long ago…BE HERE NOW. fuck the future, you dont know what it contains…fuck the past, you cant change it. All you can do is be the best person you can be today. and be happy with yourself.

  2. On January 20th, 2012 at 10:08 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Erylin: I like your mom! Ha-ha! That is awesome! Onward and upward, baby! <3

  3. On January 20th, 2012 at 1:07 pm Birdyluv Says:

    Dear Sarah,
    I look really forward to reading each of your blog posts and loved witnessing your transition from being so down about the Cafe to the lightness and verve you have today. I’d like to send you a private message. Would you mind writing me at lisalisa986@hotmail.com? Many thanks! Lisa

  4. On January 21st, 2012 at 12:43 am E. Ai B. Says:

    Be. Here. Now. It’s just the best sentiment ever. Since the health roller coaster, it’s been easier to do that most of the time. Everything, even the annoying things (like your child waking up multiple times in the night to be comforted back to sleep) seem…just awe-inspiring. It’s a nice philosophy, one I hope I get to carry more often.

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