I was catching up with one of my dearest friends in the world through instant message today and we were talking about all of the drama in everyone’s lives right now. We talked about the people in our lives who have hurt/wronged us and how the pain can run so deep, even years later. She and I have been through so much, separately and together.
It’s so silly, we don’t live so far from each other, but sometimes it feels like it. (It’s kind of amazing how the women I love and admire most all live in Oakland.) We always have a way of picking up right where we left off though and I know she and I will always have each other’s backs…no matter what! (Well, she said she’d never leave, “Unless you run over my cat on purpose or something.” Ha-ha!)
We talked about having to always be so strong, so tough and ready for battle, “WARRIOR WOMEN!!! We will take fuckers down!” And I mentioned how it is when people are kind to me for no reason that I break down and cannot deal. But we hold onto our pain and wear it like a fucking medal of honor and damn that sucks.
I realized while chatting with her that I miss having a BFF to talk to about all of my girly things and life struggles and frustrations on a day to day basis. I no longer have that deeper connection with anyone. I thank the universe everyday for her though, because I sometimes feel that she is the only one in the world who knows/gets me. But we’ve been friends since Junior High, so what can ya do? Ha!
“Everyone is so fake sometimes and they don’t even see it and it’s frustrating to walk around in the world fearlessly when they make you feel like an alien.” I shared…and it’s true. People often believe in their hearts that they are being real, but when you ask a pointed question or catch them in a moment of waffling or vulnerability, you can see their confusion. You can see that they didn’t even realize that they had their guard up or were putting on airs.
I’m no different. I’m not. I do my best, but I have felt my walls begin to rebuild lately. It’s a reactionary thing. I thought I couldn’t get hurt anymore, that I was somehow bullet proof from all of that. What a load of crap! I’ve withdrawn, again, from my friends and held back what is in my heart (not that I always know what’s there anyway). So I start my day anew, I hit reset and hope to reboot with a better understanding.
I know I get hurt so deeply simply because I expect others to be as passionately fight-for-everything as I am. It’s unrealistic to have such expectations and I don’t do it consciously, mostly. I can forgive and I have. Forgetting is not something I’m good at unless it’s a date/time situation. Ha-ha! And so I continue to struggle, fearlessly, hopefully and with so much gratitude for the very air I breathe.
I have been so sick with a beastly cold this week and have been truly touched by those who have reached out, checked in on me and have offered so much love I could just glow…if I weren’t so damned sick! Ha-ha! I’m recovering and will be fine in the end, always am. It is times like these, when everything is so uncertain, that you can choose to hide yourself away or expose your vulnerabilities to the world. Well, you can consider this band-aid ripped off!
Rad Fatty Love to you All! <3