NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Denial Twist

July15

I’m sort of in shock and very upset right now. I just received a voice mail about the job I interviewed for over the weekend. I was certain I had that job. They loved me, even said so! I nailed that interview! This is such crap! I don’t get it. They went with someone with medical experience, they said. Huh. That is really weird because this was not mentioned as a desirable or required thing in the job ad or mentioned in the interviews. They said they really want me for another position and I wouldn’t even have to interview for it, but that it won’t be open for another six months, at the earliest.

I’m sitting in my room right now hysterically crying. I feel blind sided. I was so fucking happy last week and most of the weekend and then, POW! That job would have been the answer to all of my problems and prayers. Now I’m just fucking terrified about the future. I really don’t know what I am going to do now. I had been floating on air (madly in love, I must say) and going about my life just bursting with positivity, all the while having complete faith that the universe would sort this out for me somehow. That things would work out or something would come through in the nick of time. Now? *Sobs*

I’m finding it all very hard to handle right now. I don’t know what I am going to do or what to believe. It is so hard to hear from those I love and love me how awesome and amazing I am and yet have door after door slammed in my fucking face! That job was perfect for me, the company owners even said so! Part of me cannot help but think it has to do with my fat body. I was very up front and forthcoming about my politics and they were so supportive. Perhaps it was just lip service and in the end the owner really didn’t want “someone 300 lbs at the front desk.” Funny that that was the weight he chose to set as the “too much” mark, eh? I was quick to inform him that I was 325 lbs, unashamed and even very public about it. Silly me.

Add to the above a heavy dose of hormones and excruciating cramps and I am not a happy fatty today. Even before I found out about the job rejection, I woke up feeling like rubbish and even tried to cheer myself up. My horoscope today said specifically to hit up antique stores, so I did! I found two vintage hats, a pair of white gloves with little pearls and some vintage hankies…all for a steal! I’m living on my credit card at this point anyway, might as well find a dose of joy in that.

I am going to disconnect for a bit and see if that won’t give me some space to heal. Sunday morning I checked my Facebook on my phone and soon found myself wrecked from the horrible news of the world. I couldn’t handle it. It was just all too much at once. It left me so afraid and fragile feeling. I was a shell of the girl I was only the night before. I felt so helpless and hollow. I was drained of all color and just sort of wilted in a corner somewhere, unwilling or unable to function. Determined not to stay in that state I got right up this morning and out of the house into the sunshine. Oh well oh well oh well.

BUT this week is also my trip to Portland and No Lose and road trippin’ with my bff “Q” and that is all that I want right now. I want to get the hell out of town and let all of the goodness of Portland and Fatlandia heal me and fill me with love. Being me, being awesome, and amazing isn’t doing me any favors right now. I’m sorry if that sounds ungrateful or fucked up, it’s just that doing all the “right” things isn’t getting me where I need to go or be. I’m at a loss. So in some ways this trip could not be better timed. Having said that, the end of the month is nearing and I do not know what that will bring. I was fortunate enough last month that my roommate paid my rent. My unemployment payments STILL have not arrived and I might actually be proper fucked this time. I don’t know. I have to just get out of here and come back and hope for the best.

I’m hopeful. I have that at least. And I have music and love. No one can take those from me! I have a room that is so me it’s kind of amazing and it smells like flowers because my boyfriend surprised me with a delivery of them last week (no one has ever sent me flowers, unfortunately that lead to my freaking out about it because a.) no card included b.) I’m paranoid as fuck, but I’m so grateful to have him and my friends and to just be otherwise happy and healthy. So why do I feel so devastated and low today? Another job rejection, yeah, but shit, that ain’t nothin’ new! Ugh! Something’s gotta come through, man. I did apply to be a paid plus size fashion blogger, it would be a struggle with such little pay, but it would be a dream as well. Fingers crossed for that, it’s all I’ve got pending at the moment.

I will try to keep blogging this week, but in case that doesn’t happen, know that I love you and I’m so grateful for your love and support! It means a lot to me. It keeps me going sometimes when nothing else can, ya know? And because I keep getting told to do this, if you’re so inclined as to want to donate to this blog/blogger, here is the paypal link for that. Please do not feel obligated to donate, your kindness and love is always enough. If you’d like to say something to me outside of comments, feel free to drop me a line anytime at notblueatall@notblueatall.com
Thank you so much for just being you. 🙂

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2 Comments to

“Denial Twist”

  1. On July 15th, 2013 at 3:16 pm Laura (dusty_rose) Says:

    🙁 I’m sorry to hear about the job rejection! I can relate–I’ve also had so many interviews that went well only to end up being rejected. Job-hunting sucks so hard.

    But NOLOSE sounds amazing! I’m jealous, I wish I could go. 😉 I hope it’s wonderful and healing and fun!

  2. On July 16th, 2013 at 6:49 am Heidi Says:

    That really sucks about the job, BUT on the bright side, they have another position for you! IF they loved you so much, you would think they would start you immediately so they don’t lose you. It sucks for sure. I hate feeling like I didnt get something because of the way I look. 🙁 I am sorry. Hopefully your unemployment checks start coming SOON!

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