There is something very powerful in having a specific craving for something and satisfying it without any of those old, bad thoughts coming to haunt/taunt me. This week I’ve had immensely painful menstrual cramps, like more severe than usual and I always get a craving for red meat this time of my cycle, but I was so fatigued and in pain I just couldn’t manage cooking a meal. Monday and Tuesday nights I couldn’t even bear the thought of going out to get takeout! Yeah, it was bad times. But then Wednesday night when the craving just wouldn’t die I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from my first gel/shellac manicure (it’s interesting) I grabbed a two pack of steaks and headed home.
At first I thought, “WTF! I just have steak what am I going to make a meal out of?!” a quick search of my crisper proved fruitful as I had a forgotten bundle of asparagus in there that was surprisingly still fresh! That never happens, usually that shit goes slimy faster than you can come up with a recipe. Anyhoo, then a scan of my pantry produced my fave, quick-cooking couscous! Oh I love that stuff! The mushroom one?!?! Yum!
I readied my pans with oil and water, accordingly, and seasoned my steak and set the other aside for another day. I opened all of the doors, turned on the ceiling fan in my living room and went to it! In the end I had a very smoky but delicious smelling house along with two complete meals for about $10. Woot! I have to say though, when I sat down to eat and poured my A-1 sauce onto the plate and took that first bite, a wave of satisfaction washed over me and I just looked at my puggyman and smiled. I felt good! I didn’t think any of those yucky guilt-riddled thoughts that I used to. I didn’t have that moment of, “Do you need this much food?” or that type of nonsense. I had exactly how much food I wanted and needed and when I was full, I was done. No outside opinions required or requested. It was kind of wonderful. It was kind of powerful and awesome.
We all have moments of having a specific craving. I used to try to trick this craving by offering it other things, diet/chemical things, but you know what? Your body and your brain knows better!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. Even though I had had other and maybe similar in spirit things, my craving wouldn’t wane. The moment I took a bite of what I really wanted/needed, it was like AH! Finally! Ha-ha! Not that this is entirely new, but I’ll admit that it’s been awhile.
I’ve been struggling off and on with my eating habits this past year. I don’t mean just 2014, but the last twelve months. My emotional state leads to disordered eating patterns which creates worse emotional states and so on. Ugh! So, like, I know this about myself, but I have been hard pressed to actually do something about it. I think my job at “the fruit” helped with some of it. I had access to a variety of foods on a daily basis. This helped but then when that job ended I found myself home, alone and pretty much back where I started. Before that job, I had been out of work all summer, possibly the worst summer of my entire adult life, and depriving myself of food until I just couldn’t any longer, on a daily basis. It is stupid, because I know better. It is destructive, too. But when I’m stressed to the max and feel out of control of my own life, that is how I deal, I guess.
In my new job I have constant and unlimited access to snacks, beverages and foods of such variety that the first week I was afraid to touch anything. The poor kid in me still shamefully lurking, perhaps. Soon I realized that it’s not a big deal to anyone else but me and I began to relax and go with the flow. Now I’ve acclimated and feel fine about it all. I think it’s helped my circadian rhythm quite a bit. I cannot tell you what a huge deal that is for me. Not to say that my sleeping has been problem free, but it’s been so much better. Getting up at 6am for work has been a big part of that and eating breakfast everyday as well. I’m so lucky to have a job that provides breakfast. I really appreciate that! It’s forced me to eat breakfast on weekends, too. My body is just used to it and demands it now. What a revelation!
So why couldn’t I make those changes on my own? Why is my default self destruction? I can’t change the past but I can focus on the present and that is my plan for now. Tonight I’m planning on making my famous (not really) bbq pulled pork pizza. It’s the easiest thing ever! You just take some pizza dough, I grab mine from Trader Joe’s already made and ready to rock n’ roll. I pour some olive oil onto a cookie sheet to generously coat it and then toss a bunch of kosher salt onto that puppy before taking my dough and smooshing it into the sides and corners and evening out the rest. Then I take prepackaed/prepared bbq pulled pork and spread that all over the top and pop that sucker in the oven until the dough is done! I know I put something delicious and green on it last time but for the life of me I cannot remember what it was. It’s very tasty and satisfying, the oil-salt combo makes the bottom of the crust crispy while the inside is chewy, I love that! It will be the first time i’m making it for my fella, so fingers crossed! 😉