Ah, yes! Fear! Fear is something I have lived with my entire life. Much like an imaginary friend (I had an imaginary audience as a kid though), fear was a rarely comforting companion, yet always there for me whether I needed it or not. Sure, it may have saved my ass a few times, the right fears at the right time and all, but it is no creature comfort to me these days. My fears change as I grow and evolve. But I think ultimately, most humans, have one main fear running through their lives: Being alone.
To some, they are totally cool about being alone as in the spending time on their own in their own company sort of way. Some seek out the opportunity for solace, others for self-care, etc. It turns out that I suck at this part, hard! I was taught from about the age of four, to seek comfort, happiness, entertainment and fulfillment outside of the house and with friends. I have succeeded in that, I think. I am happiest when with my closest and mostest. But on my own? Ugh!
I have had to practice at being my own company. I have had to force myself to not call/text/etc someone (anyone!) during those scary moments where the stretch of time ahead seems far too vast and vacant for my heart to handle. I have done alright I would say. But the fear is always there. When I’m home alone, truly alone? I question my every thought, every sound, every desire and whim and wonder if I’m losing my mind at every turn. It’s not always so dramatic, but it’s there.
Most people, I would guess, fear being alone in the partnered sense. I’m no different there. But my recent life changes have given me great pause on the subject. I see with a new perspective the world and lives around me and I’m not yet sure what it is that I want and if that is even close to what I may actually need. Time, I hope, will guide me. I know that we all just want someone to connect with on that ultimate and deeper level, no matter our current or future romantical statuses.
I don’t fear worthiness anymore. That was a big one for me. I no longer feel the constant urge to prove myself or to be instantly accepted by any/all I meet. I’m awesome, if they can’t see that, fuck ’em! But like I said, this was extremely difficult! Some may never get over this particular hump and I understand how that feels. Just know that you are worthy! We are all worthy and deserve all of the love and energy in the world!
The problem with modern western society is that we are constantly living for a future we will never live in or attain. Even if/when we come remotely close to this incredible future we’re all working our asses off towards, we will still be striving for the future and will never fully live in the present or enjoy all that we have now and have worked so hard for. This was a light bulb concept for me. Much like this blew my mind and I do believe will end up tattooed upon my person: This sentence is false.
When you can step outside of your current/default way of thinking and perceiving the world and yourself, it is incredible! It is like lifting a veil and seeing with new eyes that the world isn’t actually out to get you. You, yourself, may be out to get you, but that is another matter all together. Asking yourself why you do the things that you do or go along with things or participate in things is the first and biggest step. Being honest with yourself is the most important step though. You can ask all the right questions, but until you can be brutally honest and stop deluding yourself about the life you are living and the life you actually want? It’s a whole new world! (Cue the music, Disney fans!)
When you ask a person what they fear most it is usually pain, suffering, intrusion, trauma, betrayal, loss, etc. This makes perfect sense. But if you ask yourself why you have the fears that you do and you think back to when this fear first came about in your life it can be a very enlightening thing. It can show you where your life has gone astray or how you are on the right path right now. We won’t know that we’re making the right decisions until well after they are made and we are or have lived with their results. We approach each crossroads in our lives with trepidation and anxiety, but the truth is, whatever you choose, rarely matters in the end.
Agonizing over every little thing only makes us more anxious and fearful. Going with your gut (your heart and soul) and living in the present moment will free you from this. It takes practice and may never be perfected, but much like self-acceptance it simply improves your life and health and well being in general. So why not give it shot? Why hold onto the fear? You cannot change or control how others will perceive you, so why not be a bad ass?! <3