NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Compassion Onward!

October31

It seems the universe is trying to tell me something. I have been told, advised, asked and so on, to develop more compassion for myself. I even had a tarot reading at my party the other night and even those cards told me that I need to give myself the same compassion I give others. OKAY! I hear you, Universe!

And how do I follow this wise advice? By running myself absolutely ragged. I feel like dead ass today. Four nights in a row of very very late nights and too much physical activity and I’m a wreck and a half. *Sigh* Some of it was amaze-balls-fun! Some of it was awful and heart wrenching and after last week I’ve pretty much met my lifelong quota for heart wrenching as an emotion.

The truth is that it wasn’t even my birthday that gave me the heavy burden that is my latest mental breakthrough. It was suddenly seeing the actions of the people in my life through new eyes. Seeing the repetition of patterns in others while I am doing everything I possibly can to prevent myself from my own past patterns was an eye opener. No matter how much I change, some things and people simply never will and I think I am finally ready to accept that and move on.

At one point I was in such a pit of despair that I swear it was comfortable for a moment. It felt as though the old me were about to just slip right back into my body and take back what once was. But I have worked too fucking hard for that shit to go down! The moment I felt this shift begin, and it felt so familiar and comforting in it’s own way, I panicked and did my best to snap out of it as best I could. I chose to focus on actual tasks, errands, necessary cleaning and other manual labor-y things. I needed to do something specific with my body to get my mind off the groove it was trying so desperately to stick itself into. Being so sad is such an energy zapper! I mean, wow, I was so super mega sad for over a week and I almost let it stay for good. It’s hard to describe. You may not even know this, but I used to be Eeyore, incarnate. You couldn’t say anything to me without my turning it into a negative or detriment. I hated everything, but especially myself. I didn’t believe that I deserved to live let alone love. Before I even knew or could even understand what I was going through and dealing with I let my depression and PTSD get the better of me. I didn’t know that I had these or how to work through them or to even seek help. I was hopeless, helpless and a sad sack. I don’t know why or how my friends stuck by me back then, but I thank the stars everyday that they did.

Self work and research and starting over and over and over again are all I can credit for my disposition now days. When I mention my previous state to new friends they are visibly shocked to hear it. They cannot believe that I have ever been anything other than the laughing and cheery gal I am today. It really freaked me out that I felt so close and comfortable with this old state of mind recently. I am better than that and I know it!

It just proves that we are all works in progress. We are all on our own individual journeys. There is no destination. I have to learn to let go and take back control and know when one or the other is the right thing to do. It’s so hard!!! I find myself wanting to open up and let people in or accept their help/support, but I don’t always choose so wisely and end up exactly where I was last week: miserable.

So these new eyes o’mine are moving forward and looking towards the future while remaining grounded in the here and now. I must do this. It is what is best for me. I feel most at peace when I am living in the absolute present. I am most fulfilled when doing what I love and following my passions. I feel most energized when meeting and interacting with new people. I am not willing to let my own or other people’s patterns get in the way of that anymore.

Cheers to you and to me! <3

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4 Comments to

“Compassion Onward!”

  1. On October 31st, 2012 at 1:30 pm Twistie Says:

    And you should feel damn proud of yourself, girl!

    Breaking toxic patterns is hard. Slipping into old negative habits, painfully easy.

    So keep the compassion going. It’s good for you.

  2. On October 31st, 2012 at 2:18 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thanks, doll.

  3. On October 31st, 2012 at 1:43 pm Veronica Says:

    “When I mention my previous state to new friends they are visibly shocked to hear it. They cannot believe that I have ever been anything other than the laughing and cheery gal I am today.”
    I’m somewhat fascinated by this. I mean, you do seem to me like a laughing, cheery gal, but you also seem like a heart-on-my-sleeve, feel-all-my-feelings kind of gal, which would mean that, while you’re clarly capable of great cheer, you’re also capable of great sadness. Oh well, I’m very glad and happy for you that you haven’t reverted to your Eeyore ways!=)

  4. On October 31st, 2012 at 2:18 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Veronica: You’re quite right, but I don’t always show my true feelings, I think. I am absolutely a heart-on-my-sleeve gal. But I have been known to hold back a lot and to show my brave face more times than not. I have had friends absolutely shocked and shaken by my admission to having had panic attacks. “You’ve had more than one? It’s like everything I thought about you was wrong.” What can ya do? Keep on keepin’ on is all I know! 🙂

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