So last week I pretty much just cloistered myself away from the world. It wasn’t intentional at first, but then I grew more fearful of the “outside world” and got comfortable in my apartment snuggle-world for awhile. The weather was colder and I quite enjoy layering and bundling, to a certain degree. I will always be a California gal, but I love autumn here. The metallic smells of the first fall rains. The layering of clothing, snuggling on the couch with my puggyman. These are things near and dear to me. But I’m going through a major transitional phase in my life and I’m not sure where it will lead me. I look back on this past year and I am horrified. Am I mourning all that has been lost or stolen? Could be. I feel a need to stay inside and keep close to home, suddenly. Only two weeks ago I was Ms. Socially Fat USA! Today? Not so much.
I am full of a strange type of nostalgia. The crisp air can do that to me. It makes me think of this goth club I used to frequent called “The So What.” At one point I would just go alone. I loved to dance and the music was (and still is) very new to me. I relished in its newness and exotic appeal. The smell of clove cigarettes in the air, the gay s & m porn in the bar, the industrial-punk-stompers…all of it! It’s magical to me. In retrospect I can laugh at what I wore every time I went, but I felt awesome and sexy and invincible in my own twisted way back then. I was 19-20. The world didn’t seem the hateful place it is today. It seemed possible, anything did. I loved that!
And now I don’t know what the hell is going on. I feel so out of it. I’m okay health wise, but I did have some hormonal peaks and valleys last week. Nothing terribly unusual there though. I did have a lovely weekend, at home mostly, with my husband. I think it’s been long enough since I sold the cafe that I have forgotten what Mondays feel like. I have nothing to truly dread anymore and that is awesome. I also got to hang out and drink and watch spooky things with my BFFs. That is a real energizer. I always feel more completely myself when we get to do that. The drink of choice that evening was UV Vodka (on sale at BevMo for 8.99 it was such a great price I went back for more) with blueberry-cranberry juice and later strawberry-cranberry juice…so delish and divine! And while the movie we watched had its moment, it wasn’t great. The “Paranormal Witness” show we watched was fantastic! Very scary-spooky and awesome. If you have any suggestions on really awesome spooky-scary movies, do let me know!!!
I think deep down, I am utterly confused. I had such direction there for awhile. Now I feel aimless. I don’t know what I want to do. “Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same.” I feel as though I’m caught between two worlds somehow. Okay, that sounds a bit out there, but I dunno. I feel pulled in different directions yet I have no desire to go in either. Blah! I want things. I want to do things. But nothing sticks out as a career yet or even a obsessive project. Ha-ha! I will stick it out. Don’t worry about me. I always find a way. That is something Virgie and I had in common while chatting over lunch on Friday. Resourceful baergain huntresses that we are!!!
So what does this week or month bring to mind for you? What are you torn between? Are you feeling energized? Motivated? Drained? Lay it on me, babies!!! <3