Have you ever seen a picture of yourself and were actually happy with it? Or heard your voice recorded and liked it? This is sort of what happened to me last night. My BFFs came over and we ate and drank and…Sang! It was super fun, too! I had this brilliant idea to video tape a tribute of sorts for our friend who moved back to the east coast and it turned into quite a hilariously fun evening. I don’t want to give too many details in case that friend is reading, but man, I hadn’t laughed that hard since…okay since last weekend, but only because we went to a comedy show.
So we taped this thing and we gathered around the ole laptop to watch it after and I was surprised by how I looked, acted, carried myself…all of it. I surprised myself. There was no inner critic talk happening. None of the old self-hate even showed it’s ugly head. And this surprised the shit out of me. I mean, I had thoughts, I like the weird thing my hair was doing even though I’d said all weekend how much I now hate my current hair cut. Suddenly, I liked it! I noticed that I am a bit wider on screen than I had thought, but it was a neutral thought.
And then I noticed my face! Oh my gosh, you guys, my face!!! It’s like I have no control over my facial muscles or something. Ha-ha! I make hilarious faces and I think my BFFs and husband are simply used to it’s contortions. I was laughing at my own damn face and that thought made me laugh even more. I was dying, side-splitting, laughing my ass off! Also, I am hilarious! I used to fantasize about doing stand-up comedy, and I am not saying that I have the nerve right now to do it, but my timing ain’t bad, yo! Ha-ha! I certainly have no problem making an ass out of myself, so that’s a plus!
I dunno. This whole experience was super positive. It was a bit of a lark, the actual song and how we went about it and all, I thought there would be much resistance. But I am mega convincing, especially while drunk! And I think we all truly had a blast. When it was decided that we were done, we watched “The Walking Dead” and later a Food Network Cake Challenge…just how we roll. Ha-ha! It’s quickly becoming a weekly ritual and I think a much needed one. We all need to just cut loose and kick back from time to time. And when times are as tough as these? I think we all need it that much more.
I’ll be honest though, since that is what I do, I haven’t always been so chill about seeing myself on film. Oh no! I used to hide or run or scream, or whatever. I was horrified. Even when I was doing regular podcasts it took so long for me to get used to hearing my own voice. Sometimes one will pop into my shuffle on iTunes and I will leap across a room to skip the track. I’m not entirely sure why now, but I’ll get there, too. I know I will because I am now able to want my picture taken or see myself on video. That is such a huge leap. It takes time and self-work and it’s totally worth it.
This fat liberation/acceptance journey is different for all of us. But no one could ever tell me it’s not healthy and good for me. Fat liberation/acceptance has improved my life in so many ways, there’s nothing that could replace it and certainly nothing I would turn away from it for. When people ask me what fat liberation/acceptance is, well, it’s difficult to explain. So I try to explain how it has made me feel about myself, my body, the world and other people, too. And that is when they can see that little sparkle in my eye and how it’s impacted me and continues to do so. I tell people how depressed I used to be, how much I hated myself and went out of my way to make myself more miserable. And then I explain how fat liberation/acceptance has taught me how it didn’t have to be that way. That I am worth something, that I am worth anything at all was a revelation, but that I could be happy and fat and wear pretty dresses and want to do so? That, my wonderful friends, is a revolution! I hope that you find or make your own, too!