NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

A Night Out for SmoJoe’s!

April13

If you were to ask me at random if I like musicals I will tell you that I do not. I may add a caveat of, “except for Hello Dolly and JC Superstar” but even that is rare. In fact I actually cannot stand at all the way modern broadway vocals sound, it’s all very nasally and obnoxious to me. We all have our preferences, though, so it’s whatever, ya know? I have been incredibly fortunate to have a BFF who is also a skilled and talented (yes, both!) actor, dancer, singer, choreographer, writer, and director. They’re kind of a big deal! Over the last twenty years I have seen most of the shows they have been in or directed. I say most because they were in a million shows in 2017 and I know I missed at least two! Ha-ha!

The very first show I saw Jery perform in was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and it made me see them in a new light. Now I’ve seen a ton of their shows over the years, but the stand out favorites have been JC Superstar, their Judas was unparalleled and just blew me away, West Side Story, the production wasn’t great but their Chino brought tears to everyone’s eyes I swear, White Christmas, ohmigosh I don’t even like Christmas but I cried my dumb face off at the end of that one they were so damned amazing in it, and then my memory gets hazy. I recall some plays they were in that were incredible to watch, titles escape me but one was for MACLA a local org and another at the San Jose Mexican Heritage Plaza Theater, both were sublime. I can honestly say that their theater resume is varied and rich with content!

It has been an honor and a privilege to see someone I know and love and drink with often evolve and grow and flourish in their abilities. Even when the show wasn’t great, their performance proved a shining beacon no one could deny. Catch me if you can was a delightful romp and a bit different than what I had seen them in previously. Several years ago I recall seeing them perform in a revue-like show called Smokey Joe’s Cafe and I had no idea how much I would love it. That production had built a story line into it, but I honestly didn’t notice! Ha-ha! I was so dazzled by well dressed men singling splendidly and dancing around on stage. And I knew all the songs! That had never happened before. I truly loved it. When they told me last year that they would be directing and choreographing Smokey Joe’s Cafe this year I was stoked!

When my BFF from Ohio came to visit we had no idea we’d get the exceptional opportunity to see Jery’s production of SmoJoe’s, as it is oft referred, the night before it opened! Wow! What a treat! Y’all! We were fucking blown away! The caliber of talent in the cast was beyond compare. Not just in vocals, but the dancing! SO MUCH DANCING! I was blissed the fuck out, lemme tell ya! Ha-ha! I just love seeing people dance and that choreography was so fun! I noticed some lil’ easter eggs, if you will, he’d thrown in there. Maybe not just for me, but a few of ’em felt like it. Ha! (J you know which move I’m referring to! Ha!) After seeing so many shows and even this same show before you’d think I’d be tough to impress at this point, and I might agree with you. However, Jery is a seasoned professional with great vision and a rich pool of talent from which to build his show!

Of course I would have preferred to see them in the show singing and dancing too, but seeing the end result was nothing short of awesome. I must admit it was a bit of a treat, though kinda wrong, to see them anxious and sweating bullets before opening night. I just so rarely see that side of them and always feel like a complete mess myself. Ha-ha! That’s what friends are for, right?! Everything went off without a hitch and anyone who saw the show gushed about its greatness, I can assure you! I was lucky enough to see it twice! I love a good opening gala!

They will likely hate me for posting this picture but I fucking love the hell out of it and I hope they get that part before the self deprecating thoughts/comments begin.

I kind of love “bad” pics of myself at this point…but I really love this outfit! 

One of the shining stars of the show, Tony Gonzales, and their ever-espressive face! Ohmigosh! When the group sang “Ying Yang” Tony’s face was the whole show! Ha-ha!

These are Tony’s precious puppers dressed for the opening gala reception and to theme in their poodle skirts! Too cute!

After the show was the gala reception with champagne and h’ordeuvres and all the chatting and laughter you can imagine. It’s always a great time, but for me especially because it means I’m hanging and chatting and drinkin’ champers with my two BFFs! J’s spouse P never misses a show…or the rum balls! Ha-ha! With all of the hustle and bustle in the lobby slowly dying down, some of the cast and it’s illusive director popped back onto the stage for a quick celebratory Sake Bomb, only with cider instead of beer. J had asked if I could take a quick video of it for them and I said, “Of course…if you’ll snap some pics of me at this bar right now!” and so…

That’s me on stage, hanging out at Smokey Joe’s Cafe! During the show the shelves were all lit up beautifully!

I highly recommend supporting your local theater. You may even be surprised to find that you like musicals after all, as I did. Ha-ha!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Subscriptions: From Ipsy to BoxyCharm! (And more!)

April11

I love getting a lil’ surprise in my mailbox each month. It helps break up the monotony of life, I think. Or at least the monotony of bills and junk mail! Ha-ha! My all-time favorite subscription and piece of mail each month is definitely the Feminist Sticker Club (dot com). For $2.50 a month I get an awesome, feminist sticker. I love to slip them under my phone’s clear-soft case so it feels like I have a new case each month. I have tried a couple of other subscription boxes but have since canceled them.

I tried one called Lip Monthly that was, I believe, $12.99 but you got 5 lip products each month. I’m addicted to lip stuff! I canceled because you couldn’t ever choose a color palette or share your preferences. I kept getting things too brown or too orange for my complexion. The other one I tried was How 2 B a redhead. It seemed like just the thing for me, redheaded and all, but alas, it was greatly disappointing and seemed to be geared more towards non-natural redheads. While the box itself seemed a great value, you got a lot of stuff for the price you paid (there were different levels), it just wasn’t for me.

I have subscribed to the Ipsy glam bag for nearly two years. I have a tidy stack of their zipper pouches that have proven to be quite helpful when in need and still cute to look at when left on their own. It was always so fun to get something just for me in the mail each month. I would get excited to open the shiny, hot pink envelope each month. Lately, though, I had started to get a bit bored with what they were sending and even when I did like something, the tiny size was a bit of a downer. So I put my membership on “pause” for a couple of months.

Last month I heard about a similar subscription box, but with full sized beauty products. Curious, I decided to give it a shot and ordered their “FOMO” box, because I had missed the date to be included in the initial April shipment, they sent what was worded like it was leftovers, but what I got was very impressive…

A gorgeous Tarte cosmetics palette in the metallic nudes everyone is gaga for these days. I loved the mermaid theme of the compact itself and the big mirror inside. A fun glitter top coat type lip gloss. “Better than sex” mascara by Too Faced, I’d heard about this stuff for ages! And two gorgeous rose gold toned brushes that feel so luxurious! I was blown away by this first box!

Then just the other day I got my second BoxyCharm box! O-M-Z! More gorgeousness! I am once again beyond impressed and may be hooked! This one included a PUR palette in fun and much needed colors (sorry forgot to get a pic of the inside). A stunner of a highlighter (bottom right). My favorite lip gloss in a color I didn’t have already by Steve Laurent (this is my third now). And 3 makeup brushes that I have already found to be exactly what I was missing from my collection! Just wow!

For $21 this is still a massive bargain, even if I only loved one product! The full size means I no longer need to fiddle with tiny-sample sized eye shadow pots that never seemed to stay shut or won’t open at all. These subscriptions have helped me save so much money, too! How? Well, I am very fond of Walgreen’s and would often “just pop in real quick” and come out $40-$60 later, more than once a month! Ugh! That’s not even mentioning my oft Target visits, no idea what I spend there on this type of thing because it all goes in the cart with everything else. No more! Not only am I not seduced by fancy displays and sales ads, but I’m getting better quality products, too!

Now, there are some things I enjoy greatly, maybe even obsessively, that simply do not come in a subscription. I have been living on tidbits from Trader Joe’s and I refuse to feel an ounce of shame about it. Their prices are sublime and it’s great for my spinster life since most things are not in giant packages. A recent indulgence was their herbed goat cheese log with these Fig & Olive crisps, soooooo good! It feels fancy, even thought it was like $6 total!

And this prosecco from Trader Joe’s is always in my fridge, I promise. I even created my very own signature drink: The Pro-Mosa! Prosecco + Peach Juice = Divine! This prosecco is only $5.99 a bottle at my local TJ’s (yours may differ, of course). I get this and their Dixie Peach juice and it lasts awhile. So tasty, so refreshing! I used to love their Newton’s Folly cider, but it now comes in a can and tastes nasty. Oh well. Pro-Mosa life for me!

What stuff are you into lately? What are you obsessed with or excited about? What am I missing out on? What subscriptions do you enjoy? Tell me! Ha-ha!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S


P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Going Back to Cali…I Don’t Think So!

April10

 

On March 3, 2019 I drove to SFO to pick up my BFF Michaela. You might know them from our awesome Fat As Fuck Podcast, or a bunch of other amazing things they’ve done (aka Dr. BadAss!). I was excited to see them and nervous about being a host to an out of town guest for a whole week for the first time. I had baked a cake in preparation, but ran out of time and didn’t frost it. Oh well. I put on what is now my new favorite outfit (and possible soulmate-look) I cleaned out the backseat of my car in anticipation of luggage needs and hit the highway headed north! I arrived in time to beat the line at the airport Starbucks (text her for their order) and waited patiently for their gloriousness to arrive.

I had a vague plan for each day of their visit with plenty of room to just chill out or shoot the shit or random distractions. We headed straight to Drunch with my BFF “P” from the airport and even had to push the reservation back a bit. Good food and plentiful mimosas were enjoyed by all! Then we got back to my place and I frosted the hell outta that cake! Ha-ha! I am a nervous host, but had read some articles about preparing one’s home for guests and how to make them feel more welcome.

The next day we hit up 2 different Ross (Dress for Less) and 1 Home Goods store and lemme tell you all right here and now: Michaela has hella good Ross luck! I found items I had been longing for and at incredible prices! We had yummy Thai food for lunch and laughed a ton! The next day, unfortunately, I was feeling like hot-soggy-garbage and had to pretty much stay in bed. We had made plans to visit their college friend and hit up the Alameda Pinball Museum together. Instead they came down to pick up Michaela and brought me a lovely and very unexpected bouquet of flowers. They spent the day together lunching and caught a movie while I rested and tried to feel human again. Win-win!

The next day they were feeling a lil’ crummy, so we took it easy and hit up Daiso that afternoon after enjoying a delightful Japanese BBQ place nearby. Daiso is a Japanese housewares store, only everything is $1.50 (unless otherwise marked). I friggin’ love Daiso! My BFF “Q” and I used to talk about starting a Vlog called, “Daiso Life” because we love it so much. I do not have any pics of our loot from that shopping trip, but just know that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and found lots of fun home-y items. Ha-ha!

I had gotten us tickets to an experience thing in San Francisco as a surprise! I lucked out with a Groupon, too, or it would have been quite spendy! It was a 2-part thing in a venue called One Dome. One part was called Hidden Garden and was an augmented reality, interactive experience. You wear these VR-like things on your face, only it’s different and you can “interact” with and “unlock” things as you progress. It’s not really a game, but had that vibe. It was created by many digital artists and you could even unlock info about them as you went along. Since this was all in the headset thing I don’t have any pics to share except the one with our dorky visors, but don’t fret, the other part of this was pic-tastic!

The second part of this “experience” was called LMNL and was basically just 14 rooms with different stuff happening in each. Fun times! We took turns using my Pixel 3’s camera (because it rocks!) and gave each other direction in how to pose or evoke, if you will. We had a friggin’ blast! Their outfit was perfection for these purposes as you can plainly see! Ha-ha! I loved the striped room best I think, but we made use of most of the rooms. It was expected that you take pics and selfies, much like the Color Factory or Ice Cream Museum you may have seen pics of on Instagram.

That Friday we had Drunch again but with “The Boys”, meaning both “P” and “J” (the usual Drunch crew, minus Tom) and had another grand ole time of ourselves! Michaela ordered the Chilaquiles and I think we were all envious!  After we went to Peet’s for some much needed caffeination and I snapped a pic of me and P (a rare one without my glasses!). Once sobered up (whew!) we headed to what I thought would be a fantastic photo op spot in Santa Clara where they have these huge spectacles made of recycled glass outside the museum. Well, it was fun anyway. Ha!

Later that evening we met up with a mutual friend and fatty dancer for pizza in Mountain View. I snapped the pic above of Michaela in the red jacket, so hot! Yet time flew by and the next thing we knew it was time to pack up and to head back to SFO again. It was hard to believe that we spent an entire week together, just fattin’ it up and doing our thing, but we did. And for that I am truly grateful! And this lil’ guy had a blast getting all kinds of love and attention from Mychii, his new BFF!

I cannot express in words the feeling of knowing, loving, and sharing intimate space and experiences with someone who is also a radical fat activist and bad ass. I’ve known Michaela for over ten years, first on Live Journal, later on all the things. They were my first guest on my own podcast, years ago, they popped my Skype cherry, were the first to call me a Bad ass ever, and now we have a podcast together! Life is nuts, but it is the people in it that make it so much better and brighter! (I love you, Babes. Five-Ever & Vadgie-D, Biiiiiiitch!)

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S


P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

In the Evening Sun

April5

People always give me a look of shock and awe when I mention being friends with my ex-husband and his wife. I know it’s weird, but we were friends before we even dated and we never had any major drama that caused our split, we just didn’t need to be married or live together any longer. Ha-ha! Seriously, though, it took a lot of time and work on all of our parts and I’m so happy to have them in my life. They made my shitty birthday sooooo much better (I was sick) last year, and they are simply good humans.

Last month I took a week off work so I could visit with my best friend who came to stay with me from Ohio (yes I’ll post about that specifically soon!). My ex was also going on vacation that week and needed someone to pet sit their many animals. I friggin’ love animals, y’all! I said yes before I even realized the timing and all involved. I mean, you walk into a coop and have 4 fluffy chicken butts at eye level and say no…I couldn’t! 4 chickens, 4 fish, 3 cats (+1 stray they feed) and a cockatiel for a few days and nights, but we did alright. The first day I went to clean and feed the brood I discovered a lovely thank you note along with several lovely gifts from them (1 bottle of champagne, 1 bottle of Capriccio fizzy sangria {aka Five Loko amongst my friends}, and a jar of homemade marmalade!). Plus he’s a CMT and had offered several hours of massage as repayment for the pet sitting.

Last week we went to a movie (Jordan Peele’s “Us” and its fantastic!) and he mentioned building a planter box in my tiny backyard. It was just this slab of cracked blacktop, but I had been wanting to get a nice chair to read back there when the weather is nice. Nothing much to see, but this lil’ yard was a big factor in my choosing my apartment. I’m so glad that I did!

They already had the lumber and dirt in their own backyard and so it seemed a simple thing. He came by to measure and check with me about it on Sunday and then Thursday while I was at work he built this beautiful planter box and filled it with lovely things! I thanked him profusely when he sent me the pic, but then when I got home and saw this…

I was fucking blown away! It’s gorgeous and perfect and more than I ever imagined! I mean, y’all!!! He legit made a heart for me out of some ivy!

Even the puggo was impressed!

(My bff Ash did that for me, blew up just his face, it’s like my fave internet thing when folks do that shit…but this is my baby!)
AND that’s not all, he also brought over a watering can specifically for my new mini-garden and some furniture…

Just the sweetest and most thoughtful thing ever! I didn’t have the heart to tell him that there’s no way my fat ass can sit in those chairs without them breaking. Or that that purple nightstand had been in front of my building on the street all week and it’s hideous. Ha-ha! He wanted me to have, “A place for your cocktail while you read.” Seriously, I know I ended our marriage, but he’s always been a thoughtful guy! His mama is just the same. I couldn’t resist the light of the setting sun and had to snap a quick selfie…

So lovely! And this blazer is brand new, well, from eBay, but it was my first time wearing it. I was trying to get a spring time feel with this outfit and I think I nailed it…

Professional bitch, at your service! Ha-ha! Of course, once home and after our evening walk, we got settled in for the evening. I had bought this off-the-shoulders long johns sort of thing from Soncy before I moved but hadn’t worn it or even tried it on yet. Life was just stressful af at the time, ya know? So I put it on with a fave bralette (torrid, but bought from a friend for cheap) and felt so very sexy! I can’t even explain it because when I took a near full-length pic I thought it didn’t look good at all, but it sure made me feel fabulous! That’s all that matters anyway, right?! So I cracked open my new favorite cider and relaxed the rest of the night. Ahhhh!

This is my sexy face, I guess? IDK! Ha-ha!

Sittin’ on my couch, sippin’ the night away (not, only had one to be honest)!

Yum!

Thanks for stopping by and reading about my silly life. I’ll be posting more soon…I promise! 😉

“Things that were, things that are, and some things… that have not yet come to pass.”

January21

Happy Twenty Wine-Teen, everyone! (Not claiming to have coined that one, but I also haven’t seen/heard it elsewhere, just saying! :P)

I am just so proud of all of us here to be still kicking and keeping on and doing our individual things in the world. You may not know it, but a lot of you keep me going on a regular basis! Thank you for that. Seriously! Even you lurkers, I see you!  and I love you! It’s been a wild time to be alive, that’s for sure. Time is such a weird thing, so let’s not dwell on it. We’ve all had hardships and struggles and great losses, time never really changes that. It’s just part of living. I’m grateful for every new day and every new night, I greet the moon with a knowing smile of appreciation for all the hard work she’s been doing for us here on Earth.

While I’ve never been one for annual rituals of the typical sort, I have begun what feels to be a big new chapter of my life. You see back in October I found out that I was losing my housing unexpectedly, but I had some notice, though no prospects. Actually, let’s step that back a bit because October was absolutely awful! My only two nearest women friends both moved out of state within a week of each other (separate states, separate people). Not only did my personal cheerleader and work soulmate move away, but so did my beloved dance partner. Then the housing thing came up. Housing opportunities for those not already wealthy in the San Francisco bay area are fucking grim, and that’s putting it lightly. Doing my best to not feel too sorry for myself, and truly overcome 24/7 by anxiety about housing and ending up in a horrible situation out of necessity, my landlord had told me that he also had to move due to insurance and city demands for updating the electrical on his property. I spent every day and night searching ads, apps, cold calling management companies, even resorting to scrolling google earth for possibilities. It was fucking dire! Suddenly not having my support system (well the lady half of it anyway) plus the uncertainty of having a roof over my head nearly did me in entirely. The week I had planned to take off of work for vacation was turned into a MUST FIND A PLACE TO LIVE tour, only to be sidelined day one by a severe cold and spent the remainder (including my birthday) sick in bed.

Amazingly my ex-husband and his wife invited me and my bffs over on another night (once I was feeling better) for a backyard get together around their fire pit that was just perfect. My puggo and I even stayed the night in their RV and the whole lot of us headed to Santa Cruz the next morning for a hot brunch spot that had a menu for dogs! We had the best time and it really made up for being sick on my bday. I’m so grateful to have the friendships that I do, especially with my ex, I know how rare that is. They all made me feel so special and cared for and the puggo had the time of his tiny life (can you believe he’s 9 now?!).

I came very close, twice, to signing a lease on a terrible apartment. I mean, it was a shoebox masquerading as a studio apartment (small by even NYC standards, lemme tell ya!). It didn’t feel safe and despite the insistence from the management company, I kept hesitating. Something just wouldn’t let me sign. I listened to my gut and after a week of back and forth and a second inspection I decided not to sign. This actually freaked me out more than I can even put in words. Basically I was consumed with, “Who do you think you are to turn down housing, any housing at all?!?! You’re gonna be fucking homeless you idiot loser!” Yeah, that asshole is in my head sometimes, but I knew my gut would steer me in the right direction. After weeks of all of this hysteria-level of searching, I randomly came across a place on craigslist. I had given up on craigslist as it is 99.9999% scams galore, but randomly, after weeks of not even checking it, I checked and found a place and went to see it the same day. When I saw the building I wasn’t impressed, but the unit itself was everything I’d hoped for, if not a bit more than I wanted to pay in rent. I tried to sign the lease right then and there but the manager insisted I consider it over the weekend and sign on Monday. I did, it’s mine, and I moved to a new town December 1st! It was super scary and crazy making, and yes many friends offered to help, but I got the whole fucking thing done myself (hired movers of course) and even unpacked 80% of my house before xmas!

You have no idea how scary this all was for me. Housing has always been a terror-inducing issue in my life, since my earliest of memories. And as time went on in my apartment hunting it became apparent to me that I was very likely lied to about the reasons for my needing to move. But once I had moved all my worries went away! (Okay, only sort.) I mean, signing a lease in my own name, being 100% responsible for all of my rent and deposit and insurance and the whole shebang?! Honestly, it was scarier than my wedding day! (I mean at least then I knew what I was getting into! Hahahaha!) It was a tough move, I was able to take some time off to get ALLLLLL the packing done. I couldn’t have accounted for a sudden change in my anxiety symptoms though. Suddenly I’d be frozen, just still as can be, my mind racing and screaming for my limbs to jump back into action, but I couldn’t snap out of it. I later discovered that this is quite common with more severe anxiety sufferers, and well my PTSD-C ain’t nothing, and boy how your mind and body can change as we age! Whew! I’m fortunate to have access to legal cannabis and well informed enough to know what I needed to push through and get everything done (Sativa is my jam, keeps me focused and gives me an energy boost when I need it, but would never use for/at work). It was a lot to handle, but I did it, dammit!

The first few weeks felt surreal. My last place was a tiny in-law studio, my bed was literally built into a box in the wall. It was quirky but it got me through some of the worst parts of my adult life, so for that I am thankful af! My new place is a true one bedroom apartment in an older building in a small working class neighborhood and I love it! I have hardwood floors in every room! They don’t all match but who cares?! I have a nearly normal sized kitchen with a dishwasher (!!!) and new stove. I even have a backdoor with a little yard so my doggo can go out when it’s too rainy for a full walk (we’ve had some heavy storms). I have my own bedroom with a door I can close! It feels ginormous! It’s not, but it feels like a fucking palace to me and I’m still getting used to it. I have a bathroom with a tub and shower, my old place had only a standup shower. It’s so much easier to bathe the puggo in a tub than trying to keep him from escaping the walk-in shower! Ha-ha!

I invited the bffs for xmas nibbles and drinks and enjoyed the results of that motivation for unpacking and decorating in time for those festivities. And my nibbles were a hit! I made a secret concoction for them to each take home and enjoy (my own take on a halloween themed cocktail that I switched up to more winter aromatics). My new bathroom I decked out in white and I still can’t believe that was a choice I willingly made. I have always hated white! Always! But, I love it in my bathroom! I got a ruffled fabric shower curtain and a crochet trimmed rug. It all came together so easily and I just love it. I’m still figuring some things out. Like my bedroom is still in boxes. But the rest of the place has really come together and it feels like my actual home! It’s perhaps a bit lonely, but I have friends and enjoy the hell out of my butter-spinster-hermit life most of the time. I’ve reconnected with a couple of old friends I’d previously lost touch with and have enjoyed their company. OH! I also asked for and got a raise! This was right before my move, actually, so that was awesome! Getting used to my new rent and creating a new budget for myself is still a work in progress. This new rent definitely sets me back quite a bit as far as paying off my debt, but again, I love it and I know it was the right choice. Please send out all the good vibes that my lil’ Toyota lasts me another couple of years, though!

My job has been mostly great, to be honest. I’m getting to do things and plan things on a scale I haven’t before, so that’s been fun. I have a great working relationship with my boss and the company I work for is doing really well. It’s not without it’s issues, but I think I’m in a good place over all right now. I’ve been doing a lot of self work and reflecting, too. I am always suspicious of anyone from the past popping up, but neither of the two people who have come back into my life ever betrayed me or caused any major drama or anything. Though I will always be a bit at arm’s length with them both, that is more to do with my issues than anything to do with them, really. I know this and I accept it, I don’t feel it’s a poor trait at this point so I’m just rolling with it. I have had some time to pause and really look at some of my own past toxic behaviors and beliefs and I have been amazed at just how much that simple thing can do to improve one’s mental health and self esteem. Like, look, we all gotta start from somewhere, and where I am right now is where I am and if that means having to unlearn and relearn some things others may have sooner is not for me to be concerned with. Just having the capacity to do this self work is a privilege.

Having this big new space to myself was at first a bit overwhelming. I wanted to decorate everything all at once, but I’m finding that my taste in things has been changing and I have been enjoying that as I go. I decided to forego the usual area rug focal point of your average American living room in order to preserve the open space and hardwood flooring so that I may get back into dancing again. I have always danced, but I mean, getting back into developing my own choreography from a place of joy and experimentation, not for a show. I haven’t done that in almost ten years. It used to be a natural part of my life. I would love to host a monthly gathering of some sort. My horoscope mentioned my wanting to make my house warm and inviting in order to host a salon and I’m not sure what that means in the modern sense, but my head goes to a mostly fictional Venice, Italy setting of artists and poets and wine and hearty discourse and lively discussions of philosophy. *LeSigh*

I have not dated over the past two years, except for a one off here and there. My last relationship was so unique that I guess I needed time to process and reprioritize and really work on getting my shit together once and for all. I feel very close to that “my shit is together” part, so close! Honestly, if I just had my bedroom unpacked and organized I’d pretty much be there! I am just at a loss for inspiration. Before my lil’ in-law studio I shared a house with a roommate, so I really only lived and worried about one room. Now I can do whatever and that is just too open a prospect for me to get my head around. I definitely need to do another wardrobe purge, though I did get rid of 5 bags of clothes and 2 bags of shoes when I moved. I need to dig deeper and really shed all I can and stick to the things I actually enjoy wearing instead of what I like looking at but never wear.

I want to write again, but I never feel I have anything worth while to say. I share my life with you here because it’s what I know and many have reached out separately to check in and see if I’m still breathing. Thank you for that. When feeling invisible is a part of my daily life, I forget that I have this incredible community spread out the world over. I cherish your existence! I would like to get more involved in fat activism again, but I have been focusing more on anti-racism and disability initiatives, and have struggled with and been challenged by my own fat politics these days. Going through some old docs I came across a bunch of poetry I wrote back in March of 2018 and it is actually pretty good, if I do say so myself. I’m just not sure people even buy or care about poetry anymore. Putting it online feels wrong to me, I do feel an urge to even handwrite a small chapbook or zine-style booklet for them. I’m uncertain. I want to feel that electric charge that art and creativity used to spark within me. I want to believe my best is yet to come in all aspects of my life. I’ve never been one for routines or disciplines, though. I’ve always been the random one who sort of sparks and shines and then fizzles out again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what all of these different bit and parts of my lifetime mean now. It’s a collage unto itself, really. Careers and relationships aplenty! Ha-ha! I used to be more of a risk taker, and I don’t think that I’m not one now, but I feel less urgency with most things lately and appreciate a more languid approach to decisions and relationships in general. I mentioned not dating…I have realized this past year more than any before it how truly demisexual I am. I have been horny af but still unable to “get there” (ahem) even when thoroughly enjoying myself in the moment. I really need to feel a strong connection with someone, or have feels, if you will. It is nice to know myself so well, but it makes it much more difficult to get laid in a way that works for me. I have decided to dip a toe back into the dating pool once again, but I will not suffer fools nor waste time on those who are only self-interested/fulfilling. So yeah, I’m gonna be single awhile! Ha-ha! I am super okay with this, though. Like happy as fuck about it, honestly. I love my alone time. I think I am ready for someone and something awesome to happen, but I’m not chasing it.

I have thought about writing here for so long. It was really tough times for me through that last slog in my old place. It is amazing what we will grow accustomed to out of necessity. I had grown so used to feeling ashamed about my living situation and blamed myself and my mental illnesses and even my childhood and parents for how I was living. It wasn’t until my ex came to help haul away some garbage after the move that I realized how many limitations and restrictions I was living with in order to survive and most of which had zero to do with me or my brain and everything to do with access! Had you seen my place before I moved you would have easily, though wrongly, assumed I was a hoarder. Dearest readers, I am not a hoarder, though I am incredibly sympathetic to what it means to live that way. I believe that I and my bio mother likely have some semblance of hoarding but in the no energy to do a thing or have access to handling a thing and thus everything is too much and it just sort of envelopes your whole world I grew up in that environment.

No one talked about my mother having a mental illness but I knew all along she wasn’t like other moms. I knew I could never invite friends to my home growing up, and not being able to as an adult hurt my fucking soul. When I moved to that place, back to my hometown, I had a mental breakdown. I think not even a year later I had another when I lost two close friendships within a month of each other (absolutely not the two I just recently reconnected with). It’s quite possible I had another last xmas, but it was a dark time over all. To know deep within myself that I will never get back to that level of ick in my house again is such a huge relief! To admit that I’d reached out for help to a couple of organizations for help and got no response is upsetting, but in the end I feel better and more secure in myself knowing that I was able to handle it on my own (and I can be proud for asking for help even if I didn’t get it). There is that little asshole voice whispering, “but what if you couldn’t do it on your own? What if you were still there now?” and I cannot entertain that shit because it will pull me back down into the worst of it again. Nope. No more.

OH! I sang in the big moves show in October, too, but it was awful! My anxiety killed my voice, I had no air in my lungs, and it went all high-pitched and stringy. Luckily my dress made me look like a bombshell and hey if you shake your ass in a sparkly dress everyone cheers! Ha-ha! But I’m not so sure I’ll be attempting another vocal performance again…well maybe karaoke with a few cocktails, but that’s it! Ha! It was the last show before Tigress moved away and I had to do it, ya know? And I worked fucking hard rehearsing, too. Like I pushed myself to lose my voice and even vomit a few times, the song was tough but I wanted to own that shit! Oh well, you never can account for anxiety to suddenly fuck things up for ya. I was happy to be there to see Tigress’ number, she never ceases to amaze in both originality and costuming! That community specifically, feels like home to me a lot of the time. I don’t know if I’ll perform in the big moves big dance show this year. I won’t say I won’t, but I can’t say that I will, either. Luckily there’s plenty of time for life to show me the way.

So yeah! That’s what I’ve been up to. What the hell is new with you?!?! What are you pinning hopes on or looking forward to? My bff is coming to visit me in March and I cannot friggin’ wait! The last time she came for a visit she was stricken with a severe health issue so we didn’t really get to do any fun things. I haven’t seen her in over 5 years so this is gonna be BIG!!! We are gonna fat it uuuup!!! Ha-ha! So yeah, I just keep chuggin’ along doing my thing. I hope all is well with you and yours. I’m still here. If you ever need a sympathetic ear, hit me up! notblueatall@notblueatall.com I would love to hear from you! Or if you’d like to guest post here, I’d be into that!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S


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