I remember this feeling. This feeling of being so alone yet surrounded by people who love me. It feels wrong yet sweetly painful. When I get like this I dwell, deep and hard! Oh yeah, baby! But seriously, I get caught up or under a spell or something. I reflect and think. It’s probably healthy in some ways. In others quite the opposite, mentally speaking. I always manage to come out of it though. Usually with the help of friends. Scratch that! ALWAYS with the help of friends. Yet the two I have known the longest and have help me the most feel so far away from me right now. I feel I have distanced myself from them.

I fear they might recognize my same old shit. My letting my emotions run my life! Oh same old Sarah! Ha-ha! Wasn’t I saying just a few days ago that I wanted to celebrate my melodrama?! What was I asking for?! Ha-ha! I can only hide from my own bullshit for so long I suppose. I feel not quite so shattered as the other day. My mind begins to race any time it’s idle…which is apparently a lot. I was just explaining to my husband moments ago that writing helps me slow down my thoughts and sort them out. Jeanette suggested doing so and she’s been right about pretty much everything else ever, so here I am. Pouring my heart out onto this digital page for all to see. People often praise me or feel in awe of my ability to turn off the filters and just say what I feel. What is most frustrating is how few people in the world choose to do that.

Words are what can heal or harm for me. Words can throw me into a euphoric state of bliss! They can tear me down to nothing and I will only want them more. Funny thing about calling myself a writer and being so uneducated on the subject. Fuck it! I didn’t know shit about running a business either, but I did it. I lived with that decision for two and a half years. At some point it became agony. Many days I wanted to run away and never look back. It seems so attractive, running away. To just leave it all behind and start a new life. I’ve done that before, sort of.

I find myself reexamining things I haven’t even thought of in years. What my principles really are, you know, what I stand for. Remembering the fire within myself. Being dazzled by life. Being entranced by music! Gawd, how I had forgotten how fucking great it feels to just listen to an album or make a mix-tape! It is a joy of such simple and single mindedness. I highly recommend it. I have loved music, art and poetry for as long as I can remember (and I have crib memories). Somehow life made me forget how much it all meant to me, what words meant to me. I allowed this to happen. But art always saves, no matter it’s form.

Art and love. How could I ever turn my back on you? Music was my greatest passion. A song is always in my head, if not two or three simultaneously. When I turn a friend onto a song, artist or album and they really dig it? It feels like they understand me, that they’ve seen inside of my soul! I know how that sounds, bring on the melodrama! Ha-ha! I think being in touch with my feelings all of a sudden is good somehow. Like, maybe I had shut some shit down for awhile for a reason and now my system is ready to GO! Only I’m not sure where.

I have been pretty self accepting of myself for awhile now, no major struggles or anything lately. Grateful for that. But the last few days some things have come back. I feel like people are staring again. Had I just chosen to stop noticing or am I suddenly the most interesting thing in the room, everywhere?! Sometimes it gets to me, other times I relish in it. I’m a walking contradiction. I would prefer “charming” but wev.

I feel that deep longing for travel. Well, more specifically, the forgiving nights of Portland. I would fly there on business and soak up the night air like it might heal or save me. I would wander around town to the few local music stores and flip through dingy racks for secret gems. I would talk to store employees and felt camaraderie. I would walk back from Gustav’s drunk on Blackberry Margaritas with a belly full of Farmer’s Schnitzel and smoke the most delicious Marlboro light and bask in the misty glow of the moon!

When I went to coffee school I felt so alone. Determined and all, but alone yet not lost. I felt I belonged there, but I hear most do. I miss being comfortable there on my own. I’m never comfortable on my own. It’s like I’m afraid I will evaporate if I don’t have someone, even strangers, near. But in Portland I didn’t feel that. I would take walks along the water at night after class and let the snowy air bite at my face. In California I wince at even the tiniest chill. Funny that. Life seemed more precious there, like it hung in the balance. Like opportunity or possibility was just around the corner or in the next coffee shop. It pulls at me to return and be cleansed. If only I could get away for a few days and lose myself there.

I feel so tethered, though. Obligations, commitments, attachments, stupid fucking feelings…I can’t imagine making a weekend away on my own, happen. Impossible, actually. Or at least it feels that way. I need to refresh or reboot or whatever the fuck, to just center, ya know?! Shit! *StampsFoot* Normally I would cut loose and go out on the town or something. I don’t know that I have that in me at the moment. I do tend to find it when I need it, but even that isn’t the salve I need. I need deep philosophical conversations! I need art and poetry and love and nature!  But I repeat myself.

“Well, Darling, you’re siiiiick!” “They’ll hurt me baaad, they do it all the time, yeah they do it all the time…”

So my “perfect” purse is a piece of crap! I used it once or twice prior to gearing it up for my new job last week. Pssht! The moment I walked in the door the strap broke. “No problem, I know a repair guy!” I thought, foolishly! I also foolishly thought it was leather because inside it said “Genuine Quality” or some garbage like that. UGH! Sadly, repair guy said it’s made of vinyl, also showed me other spots it had torn or were about to (I’m assuming from just the one day’s use since I’d inspected it the day before and found no issues at all). He said it wasn’t repairable or even worth the effort.

The purse was perfect because the strap was the perfect length and the pockets are just right and in the right places but the closure is so cool! The repair guy said I should contact the company who made it (Relic) and send them pictures of it. He said it was shoddily made and really cheap materials. Funny, that tag inside said, “The finest materials!” I write to Relic and explain (minus the swear words) and they want me to pay for shipping to and from plus prove that I paid for it and it has to be within the last year, which was how I began the letter, “I bought this great purse over a year ago…” UGH!

So, hey, don’t buy their stuff. They suck! Their product sucks, despite it’s looks and “quality” promising and their warranty/customer service policy, while standard, left me feeling cold and unwanted. As a customer service guru myself (ask around), I take personal offense to this type of corporate bullshit! Hiding behind policy and not caring about one customer when you have so many…I know that the companies I have worked for, even some corporate giants, they cared about their customers. All of them! They stood behind their reputation for customer service and I mine!

I may take this sad sack to someone and see if they can make me a clone in real leather or if they could recommend a better material all together. I’d rather do something sustainable and not cruel if I can, but I need it to last a good long time! Y’all know I don’t have the moolah to go back to my old obsessive handbag hunt! Whew! Because I stopped when I found this bag! I found the “perfect” bag and stopped searching. How awful that I am so devastated by it’s failure now! Ugh! *ShakesFist*

Any recommendations on affordable materials for a close of my late, though not-so-great-after-all, purse?

What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

Let’s,
The Universe
(I get these every weekday from www.tut.com, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!

Okay, you know how I said all of that stuff about being open to possibilities? Well, you should also try a bunch of new stuff, too! Because…I mean…Ohmigawd!!! I just had the most amazing meal!!! This is going to sound so silly, but being around other foodies is awesome! And these people are real foodies! We had a dinner meeting at work, only we went to a restaurant for dinner, and it was possibly the best meal I’ve ever had. At the very least, it was the most adventurous.

I grew up with very bland food. Lots of meat and potatoes and rice and frozen vegetables. We were poor, it’s just what you do, no big. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I’d even had real Mexican food let alone Indian food. So my palate developed and evolved and changed over the years. I enjoy the food network and cooking channel (though cooking channel wins in my book). Food has become more than a thing I use as fuel for my brain and body. It’s become an interest and a passion. Owning the cafe certainly fanned my foodie flames when I had to come up with my own panini recipes. I got into it for awhile, but with the stress and all I soon lost my appetite and passion for food.

As I put time and distance between myself and the cafe, after it sold, I slowly regained my interest and perhaps now my passion! I started watching some fave shows again and cooking again and baking. Slowly but surely my desire to try new things came back, tough slowly. But I must say, after tonight? Wow! I mean…I’ve been watching Iron Chef (Japan) for years and years and have only seen these things on tv. Now? Those amazing things are in my belly!!!

The restaurant was called Prospect and I can’t even remember everything I tried tonight! Here’s what I do recall having: Fois gras on persimmon toast, sweet breads with some savory sauce and frieze`, some kind of amazing Italian cheese stuff that starts with a B, and the best duck to ever hit my tongue, Meyer lemon creme` brulee`, a rather nice pinot noir (from Oregon, 2007)…OMIGAWD!!! I think I have a food hangover! Is that a thing? Ha-ha! I came home nearly hopping up and down, only I was a bit sheepish because I knew how much my husband would have wanted to try these things. But I did gush about it, I won’t lie!

It was a mind blowing, life altering experience and I haven’t even mentioned these incredible people I’m working with!!! They were so nice and awesome and I was so full but had mentioned wanting to come back to try the creme` brulee` and they insisted we all share it so I could have my favorite thing! I mean…the nicest fucking people, y’all! Mind you, this was only my second day! It’s all so fantastic and I am really enjoying myself. I don’t know where this job will lead me, but it’s already broadened my horizons and made me try things I would normally be too scared to!

I am staying open to any damned thing! This has been such an amazing week! I mean…from NYE on, baby! Revoloosh!!! Ha-ha! I am serious though, I want to push myself out of my comfort zone because that is where the good shit happens!

Or at least it is for me…it’s actually the third annual, but my point is that it’s mega-important to set aside an entire day, at least once a year, to engage your inner child and have a kick ass time! We have no plans for the day other than what is included in the name of the day. The only rule is that no matter what we do or where we go we must stay in our pj’s. It’s awesome. People get jealous. I love when people see four adults in pajamas out in public. It’s a look of delight, surprise and then, “Damn, I wish I was in my pajamas!”

And anyone asking about my resolution for 2012 today? Well, they may just get a full can of  “shut the fuck up!”

Ha-ha! Cheers to you!