NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

When “The Holidays” are Triggering…or worse!

November17

(Image of small illustrated holiday tree with the following written above it:
Reminder: we don’t have to continue holiday traditions that leave us broke, overwhelmed, and tired.)

*Aprox. 11 minute read

I came across this image and text whilst scrolling my FB feed and I instantly clicked and shared it to my own timeline, but then it wouldn’t leave my mind immediately and I realized just how much I’m processing and working through so much of my own stuff around this time of the year. My own current circumstances may differ than many/most, but I hope to alleviate some of the negative things we all think about and carry with us through this complicated season. This isn’t about religion at all, for me or for this post, but more about family dynamics, consumerism, societal obligations, and general toxic behaviors. I hope you will comment below with your own thoughts and feels and advice if you have them to share. These thoughts and feels are my own, no matter how unpopular. Ha!

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The media and marketers want us to buy into the idea that “The Holidays” are about family, togetherness, giving, kindness, celebration, gratitude, helping those in need, etc. What that really looks and feels like in our actual lives is often very different. And even if it is still about those things, it doesn’t mean that’s what we’re actually feeling while in the midst of it all. It’s more often than not the most stressful, saddest, toughest, coldest, rudest, and most triggering time of year. I personally feel that the brunt of this hustle and bustle and work and emotional labor (not to mention the shopping, gift wrapping, housekeeping, cooking and such for these gatherings) falls on women almost exclusively, but that isn’t what this post is about. This is about the toll these things take on us. The impact they have on our quality of life and most of all the trauma we endure and ultimately have to carry as a result of it all.

Yes, I said Trauma. It’s a heavy word, but necessary. We are exposed to people, places, and things at this time of year that we just aren’t the rest of the year. There’s the travel aspect if that’s something you must go through to visit with family. As a fat bodied individual, you are subject to an entirely different set of rules if traveling by aircraft on a commercial airline. You may be forced to buy two seats, you may be forced off of a flight you’ve already boarded, you may be abused or assaulted by fellow travelers and even airline personnel. This is something we accept as part of the privilege of air travel, but it is traumatic. You can plan for everything, but the world still chooses (IT IS A CHOICE!!!) to oppress fat people throughout the world. It might be the only time of year you travel because of this. You might be preparing for your travels now and considering if it’s truly worth it or not. This doesn’t even bring the financial impact of air travel into this equation, but I’ll get to that shortly. You do this to be with Family! Your Loved ones! They would do it for you…right?!

Family traditions! Oh, the warm and fuzzy wholesomeness of being Home with Family for The Holidays! Right?! Isn’t that what this is all about? Every family has their own traditions and rituals or ceremonies. My family would go to Midnight mass after spending Christmas Eve at one of my grandparents’ home for a big dinner. The next morning we’d open our gifts at home but then rush over to our other grandparents’ house for the opening of more presents, followed by a full day and evening of family revelry. We’d usually get home late, exhausted (I often had to be carried to the car or into the house after passing out), but full of that family love that everyone hopes to have in their lives forever. I just didn’t realize I would only have it for 13 years. Ha-ha!

That’s not always so close to reality, that wholesome image. Often, families at this time of year consist of a variety of personalities, values, and beliefs. Sometimes those beliefs are outdated and downright damaging. But we’re expected to remain silent (especially women!) and “just try to enjoy the holiday!” So what exactly are we getting together to celebrate here? If we have to just shut up and sit down for this shit, we become part of our own oppression. Wait! Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating togetherness?!

Okay, okay…Family! Maybe your extended family isn’t toxic. Awesome! You sit around the dinner table passing all those delicious homemade dishes you’ve been looking forward to. Grandma’s pie and Auntie’s casserole, but the minute you take a helping for yourself all eyes are on your plate! If it’s only that you’re lucky. Often our worst food and body policing come from those who claim they love us most, Family. If it’s not monitoring your portions or actual food choices, it’s comments on your body, unsolicited diet advice, mentions of abusive ex-boyfriends (okay, that one’s personal), and more. I don’t care what they say, they are not concerned about your health at all! If they were they wouldn’t make you feel like absolute shit for simply inhabiting a fat body! It isn’t your fault! You have done nothing wrong!

The foodstuff doesn’t seem to end, really. If it’s not one holiday feast it’s another, or a potluck at work, it’s always something! And there is always some miserable ninny who will ooh and aah at all those delightful and delicious delectables, only to loudly shame and blame anyone actually eating the fucking food! I hate this person, and I don’t care who they are! This person hates themselves, hard! This person is mad at you for not feeling as bad as they do. This person will steal joy from a toddler! Seriously! Unforgivable! There must be some requirement for every company ever to hire this person. UGH!!! Anyway, fuck them, enjoy and nourish yourself!

The financial impact of this season is perhaps toughest of all. How many of us have gone into debt all in the name of giving? Or had to go without necessities yourself so that you could give to those you love? I get it. It’s hard to make those choices. And I don’t know what it’s like to have the added pressure of having kids who expect things this time of year. I grew up poor, but my grandparents always made sure we didn’t go without too much. Though being an 80’s kid (born in ’77, after all), it was the height of the toy craze. I’m kind of glad about this part in a way, I mean even now I never really want or expect the newest/coolest/hottest/top of the line anything! Ha!

For me, one of the worst parts of this time of year is the societal obligations and phoniness. People you know who outright hate you will somehow make you feel as though you should be buying them a special gift just for knowing they exist. Then there are the competitive gifters! You know the type. You think you got them a nice, thoughtful gift and then they get you something ridiculous like fucking plane tickets or some nonsense (I realize how that sounds, I’m a very untrusting human, because that very thing happened to me). There’s just so damned much you’re “supposed to do” because of what time of year it is and that just stinks, in my opinion! Even if you aren’t religious, there’s this whole American way of consumerism that drives folks out in hordes, and often against each other, all in the name of bargains. It’s disgusting. (I worked retail for ten years.)

Look, it isn’t all terrible. I love the smell of the crisp, late-autumn air! Few things in this world exhilarate me like that or fresh and new rains (it’s so rare in California, I cherish every drop!). The scent of douglas firs and pine and veggies roasting in a hot oven. I love giving gifts most of all and take it very seriously! But the pressures of the holidays are just too fucking much, dude! Gift giving is my love language and let me tell you, I have been hurt and burned far too many times. Now I hold back, I can’t just give because I want to anymore. Not just because I’m broke as fuck, but because often folks don’t know how to handle a thoughtful gift, given directly from the heart. It can be too intense for some.

I’m voluntarily estranged from my family as I write this. I’m also divorced, single (no romantic partner to speak of, not that I’m prioritizing that at all right now, obv.), and unemployed, living alone for the first time in my life.  I don’t know how to feel this year. Mostly just terrified for my survival, but aside from that, how does one celebrate when all of the trappings of the season do not apply? How can I not let all the past traumas of my life drag me down in my darkest hour as these dates approach? I am fortunate to have an incredible friend group who feels more like family (most of the time) than my own ever has. But they each have their own families to celebrate with. I’m not “Oh woe is me!” over here, I am simply looking at patterns and behaviors and society more critically these days.

I used to love Christmas! I would wear Santa hats and eat a candy cane every day with glee! In my town, we have a Candy Cane Lane where all the houses in the neighborhood decorate and the fire department gives out candy canes to the kids, and families and couples stroll along the sidewalks in the evenings. It’s really lovely and special (and you probs have one in your town, too), and I miss all of those feelings that used to go along with all of that. I miss my grandma and my aunt Jo and I can’t ever think about this time of year without them, their warm and inviting homes and arms, their cooking and hilarious banter. This year especially! I have never felt more alone in the world in my entire life! Not lonely, mind you. I just miss what family meant back when ya know? I miss the matriarchs of my family in a deep and cutting way I can’t quite put into words.

This time of year also brings up a lot of memories of my adolescence, like my first love. We met just 1 week before Christmas. I’d sneak out at night and walk around my neighborhood with them or sneak them in my window and just kiss and hold each other for hours. I don’t know how I never got caught! Ha-ha! It felt so romantic though, to be freezing cold out, but so full of warmth from a connection between two people. It didn’t last long, but it is still fresh in my mind and I just haven’t ever had to think about this time of year as a single, solo, independent human. It feels complicated! Ha! I’m glad to have my own space and safe place to live. I just miss having someone to stay in and keep warm with.

Facing December without a job is so tough! Most companies won’t start hiring until mid-January when the new budgets come out. So I have to just stick it out and hope for the best. I have been applying to allllll the jobs and have already had a bunch of interviews, but these things take time. Patience I have, but money I do not. I’m actually far worse off financially than ever before in my life, and I know I have published those exact words the last time I would out of work. I can assure you that this time it is far worse. C’est la vie!

I share all of my absurdities because I want you to know that it’s okay to question what has “always been”. It’s okay to not want to do things that you didn’t or don’t get to have a say in. It’s perfectly awesome to start or create your own new traditions and rituals, with whomever you choose! Seriously, what other point to adulthood is there?!  You get to decide what you will and won’t stand for in your life and in your celebrations. There will always be hard times, complicated feels and so much to navigate through this time of year. You can choose to opt out or to opt-in, in whatever way feels right for you!

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If you do not have a support system of your own for the coming festivities, I offer my unbiased and empathetic ears/eyes. Send me an email, take a load off your mind or chest or whatever, I get it and I’m here for ya! notblueatall@notblueatall.com I’m also on some other apps and things if you need real-time support. I don’t yet know what my plans are for celebrating if I even feel like it at the time. But I’m always glad to be able to provide some emotional support for someone who truly needs it.

What gets you through a difficult holiday season? How do you prioritize your own self-care? What helps you stay away from self-destructive behaviors when it’s so easy to fall into those traps? What is your favorite part of this time of year? Least favorite? How do you stay true to your beliefs when surrounded by others toxic behaviors? Do you have a new tradition or ritual you started? Do you have a fave handmade item or recipe you’re proud of? I wanna hear it all!

Thank you so much for your continued love and support! I have been truly touched by the kindness and generosity of the readers of this blog. My fat community has been such a bright light in a dark time. You have my undying gratitude and affection!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

If you are able, please consider donating any sum you see fit to support and keep the blog alive until I’m back on my feet again. It isn’t much to raise ($150 for hosting), but I am hoping enough people can donate a buck or two in order to keep this little safe space alive another year. I have more things I want to share with you and some exciting fat projects I’ll be partnering on soon! Stay tuned!

Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Support This Blog If You Are Able

November14

Dear Readers,

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that this blog’s hosting bill ($150 for the next year) is coming up in a few short weeks. I’ve lost my job and my unemployment benefits have not yet begun. I’m faced with the possibility of having to shut down my blog entirely and that breaks my heart. I know I have not written much in awhile, but I see my stats and the archives are still read, relevant, and valuable to many.

If you are able, please consider donating any sum you see fit to support and keep the blog alive until I’m back on my feet again. It isn’t much to raise ($150), but I am hoping enough people can donate a buck or two in order to keep this little safe space alive another year.

Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

*Edited to add donations received have reached $106! Thank you so much! I am in awe and humbled by this outpour of love! <3

I have never accepted advertising or sponsors of any sort. I have always been a firm believer in creative freedom and ownership of my writing. I want to write more, but the stresses of life have been incessant obstacles to that as of late. I am a better human for having this blog for nearly ten years. I have struggled and grown with the love and support of my readers. My readers have become friends and confidants, over the years.

I am working on a few stealthy projects with other incredible fat activists that I hope to share with you here very soon! If for some reason this blog must go dark, I will continue to share links and articles on the FB page, but doubt you’ll find much personal writing or content there as their advertising and privacy policies are, well, bullshit. I hope, if you are able, that you will support this blog in some small way, and other writers and artists and activists who also believe that we are more than just a Fat Body. We are multifaceted individuals born to stand out and to make a difference in this world.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

40 Never Felt So Good!

October24

This past weekend my nearest and dearest friends surprised me with a wine tasting adventure here in the bay area. We met for breakfast and were discussing our next steps (which winery first?!) when this big white limo pulls into the parking lot. “There’s my ride!” I shout with my usual sass. But when I turned around to get back to business, all of my friends had these huge grins and their phones out and…Y’all! That limo was for us/me! I never would have guessed! It was such a shock! Ha! So we piled in and our driver, Captain Ron, took us to all the best spots! We hit the champagne to start things off right on our way to our first spot.

It was a lovely warm day in Livermore, California. I can’t recall the name of a single winery we went to, but I do believe that there were 5 total that we visited that day. I think the original intention was 6, but the limo blew it’s transmission at number 4 so that changed things. Yep! Leave it to me, or just my sit-com life in general, to break a fucking limo! Ha-ha! We weren’t actually in the limo when it broke down. Captain Ron let us know what was going on before we started our tasting but was certain he could get us a substitute and the party would roll on. Myself and my bff P decided to try both the wine tasting at this particular spot, as well as their spirits tasting. Whew! I’d never done the spirits tasting thing before, but it was both rough and fun and of course by the end I was wasted! Ha!

I will say here and now that my beloved bff D took wonderful care of us all and especially me, she was also not imbibing. She made sure I was hydrated and even made sure we stopped for snacks midday. I am certain that it was because of her specifically that I was not in the least bit hungover the next day. When our tastings were done(we had a party of 7), we filed back into the limo to snack, drink, laugh, and wait for our replacement ride. This downtime, though brief, proved detrimental to our plans for the rest of that evening. D offered J her empty Starbuck’s iced tea cup so that he could carry some harder booze covertly and thus party on! Only, that’s not what he ultimately decided to actually do. I think he and T had some kind of childish competition (is there any other kind?!) as to who could get the most drunk or maybe it was about who could surpass “Christmas Tom”, being the highest level of drunkenness anyone in our group had recently achieved. In any case, J filled that Starbuck’s cup with Scotch (he’s not a big hard liquor drinker, tbh), and an entire can of Coca Cola…and then chugged it!!! Needless to say, the limo wasn’t the only thing having a breakdown! Ha!

Captain Ron returned with a large van and drove us back to our cars at the breakfast place. Here we switched to the trio’s van and made our last winery stop: the singing winemaker. J was so drunk by this point, though always entertaining, he’d reached the point where exposing him to the general public was soon becoming a bad idea. We made it to the winery for a tasting, but as we were walking up the steps the band was wrapping up it’s last song: Rocket Man, by Elton John. The sun was lowering but it’s warm rays found just the right spot to highlight the cinematic moment of P & T walking up the steps together, it was straight out of a movie. It was lovely, honestly, and I totes teared up! I love those jerks, dammit! Anyway, T & I posed for some pics by their big fluffy spider decoration and then went in for our tasting. They had some great stuff! I don’t remember any of it! Ha-ha! I also don’t remember J going back to the van, but let’s just say it was the right time to pack it in.

We headed to the hotel we’d be staying in that night and decided to forego the dinner reservations and get some pizza delivered. We’d all been drinking all day, except D. Everyone was mega tired and some more drunk than they let on (me). Though the pizza was delayed, we all enjoyed and our spirits brightened as we watched the George Michael documentary on t.v. The trio had a long drive back home and so they left and we hugged our goodbyes and my undying gratitude to have their friendship! They are truly amazing and special people who will do anything for those they love, period. Y’all know I respect the hell out of that! <3

Next morning we each got up and got ready to head to brunch where Tigress & Ashley would be meeting up with us. OMZ!!! That brunch place was amaaaaaazing! It looks like a straight-up bar, and not even the sports kind. I mean like a drinkin’ bar, no frills. But the thing is, they rocked my professional brunch socks right the hell off!!! Not only did they have great food (So good!), but they also offered multiple mimosa options for your mimosa indulging pleasure! I went for the classic bottomless mimosa AND the Hawaiian themed mimosa flight they were offering that day. SO DELICIOUS! I was blissed out for sure! The owner kept popping by and snarked at/with us and we loved it! Tigress looked fantastic in a ver Halloween themed outfit! Ugh! Ashley brought an orange and black bouquet of flowers! It was just so great!

What the others don’t know is that I later met up with Ashley in Berkeley for a cider at a local brewery with some ex-coworkers. Ha! It was chill and I got to hang out with Suki the cutie pie french bulldog and chat. It was nice. Great way to wind down before going home…where my phone soon crashed and bootlooped for the next 18 hours. D’oh! Though the next day, Monday, was financially nightmarish, the weekend was so lovely it doesn’t even matter! My friends wrapped me up in the love and friendship and humor and showed me that they care and want me to be happy! Who could ask for more than that? (Okay, a job would be pretty dang nice! Ha!)

It is mere hours away from my fortieth birthday and I have way less thoughts and feelings about it than I thought I would. Ha-ha! The truth is I am struggling, but I’m surviving. After my birthday I have literally NOTHING going on in my life. So…yeah that’s a thing that kind of haunts me. But I’m sure it will all be fine. It’s fine. Everything is FINE! Ha-ha! Muwuahahahaha! Ahem. Uhhh…PICS!!!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

If you feel so inclined (Ranges from $2 – $150):
My 40th Birthday Wish List: http://a.co/0a2nLYO
Cash & Gift cards also appreciated…I just lost my job! 😛

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 
Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

If you would like to support this blog (the hosting bill is $150 and coming up next month!), and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: paypal.me/notblueatall and you will have my undying gratitude, too!

 

 

Curvy Girl Lingerie Fashion Show 2017

October20

*Waves* I’m back! I had no internet at home yesterday, so couldn’t post anything, but it’s back and so am I and hey let’s do this! Woo!

(I was in no way paid, reimbursed, or asked to write this post in any way shape or form! The lingerie I wore in the show I paid for myself, with the discount that Chrystal gave to all those modeling in the fashion show.)

Curvy Girl Lingerie has been a silicon valley gem for some time. I have been fortunate enough to be invited as a guest by my dance partner and dear friend Tigress for the last couple of years and have enjoyed myself as I got to watch the show from the audience. This year was the first time I was in the actual show. It was kind of funny how that happened. Tigress and Saucye had at first talked me into that modeling audition this past spring (Oh, I guess I should post about that, too? OKay, will do!) and I couldn’t believe it when I got a callback for it. It was an interesting experience, but when all was said and done and Saucye’s gorgeous face lit up and said, “So are you hooked for life?!” I don’t think she expected my response. “Fuck no! This isn’t for me.” Ha-ha!

I knew they’d be in the Curvy Girl show because they have been for the last few years (3-4, not sure). Tigress asked if I would and I hemmed and hawed. I was kind of avoiding it, to be honest. Once the application date passed I thought I was in the clear! Nope. Chrystal, the owner, reached out to me directly and asked me to be in the show. How could I say no? I didn’t. I said yes and then tried to choose something to wear but honestly I’d never bought lingerie before and it suddenly all felt so surreal and not applicable to me and my fat life. There was a models only group page on facebook and that helped a bit to see what others were wearing and how their individual looks were coming together. We were encouraged to be creative and have fun showing off our personalities.

I was clueless and while I did ask for help, I suck at it and didn’t really say what I needed, and I’m just always convinced that I’m an annoying bastard who should leave people the heck alone. Introverts high-five! Ha-ha! In the end Chrystal suggested something different than I originally picked out due to my particular body dimensions and I was finally relieved. Chrystal had a store closing party on her last day of business in her brick and mortar store (the online store will be her main focus and shuttering the shop in San Jose was due to health concerns – This is the exact reason I sold my cafe, owning a small business is incredibly taxing on one person). I went to buy my lingerie for the show but also to try it on first to be sure of sizing.

I went with the Stephenie in a 3x/4x and it fit fantastic, but I will say that the straps were a little tricky to get right at first. Once a fellow model leant me a hand (I think there were 4-5 of us in the exact same item) and cinched my straps all the way to their tightest setting, I was good to go! I had originally wanted the same item in this sort of purply-wine color, but they’d run out of my size and I was kind of digging the vibe of this peach number with black trim. I thought it was a girl-next-door with a naughty side sort of a thing! That was where my look was heading and I was stoked and went to the fabric store and bought some fun remnants to play with. Thought I’d make myself a little hat or fascinator, but I just couldn’t get it together.

The night before the show I sat on my little loveseat and watched a marathon of Good Times (70’s sitcom about a poor working class black family living in Chicago’s projects, my favorite of all time for sure). What can I say? Inspiration took over! That peachy color? Very 70’s! The fashion in the show always dazzled me, even as a kid, but this was all about the higher cut babydoll style tops and dresses back then and that was sort of how my lingerie was cut and them BAM it hit me: A glamorous wrap! I took this peach chiffon remnant and laid it across my lap and started to just think really hard about how this could work. I soon realized I didn’t have enough fabric, but then I tried something different and pinned each side horizontally and tried it on and yep yep it all worked out. I made a fancy (not really at all) shrug! I just watched my fave show and hand sewed the seams and finally the marabou-like trim for the cuffs. Perfect!

Before the show everyone was getting ready, but when I put on that shrug, well, I was worried at first that it wouldn’t look right. All the other models seemed to have more put together looks. So I popped on a spooky new batwing-bow headband and my shrug and just worked it! And I got so many compliments on my handmade shrug! I was so proud, if not a little embarrassed at how much so. Ha-ha! But it looked great and sort of looked more me anyway. I always gotta have a little retro in my look! I love classic with a twist, ya know? So I finished my makeup and lined up with everyone and got ready to walk the runway.

I’ll say right here and now that I think I’m one of the most awkward human beings ever, but Tigress has twice now insisted that even if that’s how I feel, that is not at all what comes across to others in my interactions. I’ll accept this. That said, I was the most awkward fucking model on the damned runway! Ha-ha! It was fine, I didn’t fall or have any wardrobe malfunctions, but I didn’t hear them call my name at first so that was a bit funny. In the end I was on the runway a total of like 30 seconds, so who even cares?! I haven’t seen any of the professional pictures yet, but I’ll add the ones I have that Tigress took of me and include some from the site as well so you can see the same item on different bodies.

The event itself is super fun, very empowering, positive, and just a great time! It’s attended by all women and there are always great vendors selling awesome body positive things and stuff. I actually didn’t get to check out the vendors tables until after the show, but I was also between paychecks (and now unemployed – who knew?!), so I really barely browsed. There was a latex-wear table that I found very intriguing and the vendor was super gorgeous and sweet to me, but I was not in the right headspace for such a purchase as I had a billion questions but little time. I had intended to have a drink before the show, even brought some moscato to share, but time and nerves did not allow. Tigress and I had a glass after the show before we went to Ross and Smashburger! Ha!

All in all I am glad that I did it! Who else can say they modeled lingerie just a few weeks away from turning 40?! Let alone at 325 lbs?! That’s right! Breakin’ all the “rules” and barriers over here! Ha-ha! That is what that show is, though. It is really the customers and community that was built by and around Curvy Girl! Chrystal built it from the ground up, so to speak, from a pleasure party business to a full on community of awesome people! And that is what it felt like, it seemed that everyone knew each other or were becoming fast friends. I was abnormally shy feeling that day and really just stuck to myself when not getting ready with Tigress and Saucye. Oh! Speaking of…Tigress and Saucye also gave keynote speeches at the start of the show! So fantastic! I think if you go to Curvy Girl’s facebook page you can still watch the original livestream. Always worth paying attention when either of these incredible fat activists are speaking, lemme tell ya!

Do yourself a favor, seriously, and get yourself something you feel fabulous in! Check out the shop online and if you have questions about sizing, or anything, ASK!!! Chrystal steered me away from ill fitting things and into something that works for my body and my comfort level! Those are reasons alone why it took until 2017 for me to buy myself lingerie! I even busted out my Size Queen booty shorts to wear underneath my babydoll! Fun! I hope you can support this really great, fat accepting business. A great place to shop for toys and lubes and all of your pleasure-related needs, it’s also fantastic for gifts!!! You might even have some time left to get yourself a sexy lil’ something for your halloween celebrations! Woo! And onto the pics!!!

  

 

 

I am ceaselessly inspired by Tigress as well as local fat community, and am so grateful to have access to it where I live. I hope that you’ll also check out her blog here: iofthetigress and here for GREAT pics on her Instagram!

Check out Saucye West’s Instagram for all things #FatAndFree, not to mention fucking FABULOUS!!!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

If you feel so inclined (Ranges from $2 – $150):
My 40th Birthday Wish List: http://a.co/0a2nLYO
Cash & Gift cards also appreciated…I just lost my job! 😛

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 
Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

If you would like to support this blog (the hosting bill is $150 and coming up next month!), and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: paypal.me/notblueatall and you will have my undying gratitude, too!

Countdown to 40!!!

October18

Holy shit! Yes, it’s true, it’s real, and I have been assured, that 40 IS in fact a Thing! Whaaaaaaat?! In 7 days I will turn 40! I had been very excited about this for some time, as not everyone gets the privilege. I’m also facing this, among so many other things, alone. (Note: I did not say lonely!!!) As life is known to do, it grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, HARD! Last week I was fired, right out of the clear blue sky, for literally doing my job! (Obviously not what they put down on paper, but I didn’t work for dummies.) I’ve never been fired before, and I’m still in shock. Just a few weeks ago I was pulled aside by a VP and told that they upped my equity because, “You’re an important and valuable member of the team!” So, trust no one, basically.

While my head’s still spinning and I’m questioning reality, it has also shown me who is there, who is real, and who will show up for me when needed. Two weeks ago I walked the runway as the most awkward model in Curvy Girl Lingerie’s annual fashion show. And this past weekend I did a little song and dance number for Big Moves Bay Area’s annual “A Taste for Dance” show. The contrast between  those two events is night and day! They were both body positive, of course, but only one was truly fat accepting and inclusive, IMHO. I’ll get into that more soon, as I have the time I should do my absolute best to get back to writing if I can. My block has been unbearable! (Perhaps I’ll talk about that soon as well.)

I have been single since March, but I haven’t really been interested in dating much. Yes, I’ve gone on a few dates, most good, one terrible, and one awesome one.  I’ve had some heavy crushes (the current one is made of magic, I swear!), had some minor hurts and heavy disappointments, but overall I’m good in that department. I’ve been more focused on work and building/maintaining friendships. Ultimately, I would like to meet people to date and get to know and connect with on a deeper level. Dating has changed, even online dating has changed in the four years I was in an LTR. Luckily I have a strong bullshit detector, and don’t waste time on fools. I have become more secure in my own sexuality and identities (Bi-Sapio-Femme), though, and I am glad for that!

I don’t really feel as though I’m at an ending of something, though. It feels more like the start of something…big! I’ve had this feeling for awhile, that I’m on the brink of something awesome, and I guess getting canned made that suddenly become even more clear. Just wish I knew what it is so I could get right on it or at least begin the research! Ha-ha! I trust in the journey and the process. I trust in the people who have become my support system to steer me away from disaster. I really just haven’t a clue what it is I’m meant to do at this particular juncture of life. *Shrugs*

I have wanted to post here for some time, but never could get the words to come out. I want to change that. I want to share with you my thoughts, feels, struggles, and joys. I want to rebuild and repair the relationship I once had with my readers, and hopefully in doing so attract new thoughts, ideas, and people into this sphere. As I have been inspired by fat community countless times, I hope to give as much back as I can. It is what makes me do these intimidating things and continue to challenge my own and others misconceptions about fatness, feminism, bodies, autonomy, fashion, connections, and you know, just, like, every damned thing! Ha-ha!

I know one thing is for certain, I have the love and support of my nearest and dearest friends all over the world. I carry that with me for the tough moments. We just never know what the universe has in store for us at any given point in time. I want to thank those who have seen me when I felt the most unseen, held me when I struggled hardest against my own journey, and gifted me with their truth and their stories when they saw that I wanted to listen. It is through these interactions and connections that I have found strength and light in a world that seems unreal and cruel.

Birthdays are really tough for me, when I hope or trust, I get mostly hurt and trauma. So, I can’t. I know this is the past getting in the way of the future, but it’s a wound that refuses to close on it’s own. I have a tiny, glimmering, pinprick of a hope that this year’s and all the ones going forward will help to heal this wound.

I see friends celebrate their entire birthday month with something each day, but that sounds almost terrifying to me! Ha-ha! Then again, every single thing I had planned this month has been terrifying, and I’m a firm believer in getting out of your comfort zone, but this? Celebrating myself? No, that feels so wrong. So, perhaps I’ll simply share a thought or memory or photo for the rest of this month and hope that you will chime in with your usual wit and wisdom!

#TooBlessedToBeStressed #PugLife #FatAndFree #SingleReadyToMingleWithFeminists #BiPride #Gratitude #BadAssFatAss

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

If you feel so inclined (Ranges from $2 – $150):
My 40th Birthday Wish List: http://a.co/0a2nLYO
Cash & Gift cards also appreciated…I just lost my job! 😛

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 
Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

If you would like to support this blog (the hosting bill is $150 and coming up next month!), and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: paypal.me/notblueatall

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