NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

You Can Surprise Even Yourself

April15
I’m a lifelong sufferer of insomnia. I have struggled with sleeplessness since I was twelve years old and I was just starting junior high, and also getting bullied. Even before the PTSD-C that my abuser gifted me not long after (at age fourteen), anxiety must’ve started with me even earlier, likely around five. In any case, it’s usually falling asleep that is the hurdle to get across for me. Of course I’ve tried all the remedies, homemade or over the counter, I’ve mostly shied away from prescriptions, but that’s more due to access than other things. Over the years I have found what works best for me and when to use or not use certain methods.
I have never been what one might call a “morning person”. *Shivers* No one has ever called or mistaken me for one either, I can assure you. Yes, I’ve had a few jobs that required that I begin my shift at an ungodly hour: 6 am. It is one thing to have to wake up at this time, but it is another entirely to have to be up and awake and alive and ready to work and interact with other humans. Perish the thought! But I’ve done it, many times, for many years even. First at a wedding website, then for a quality control company for insurance agencies, and finally at my own cafe. I always managed, in my own odd ways.
When I have had jobs that allowed me to have a weekend off, I always want to sleep in! There is nothing more delightful than relishing in the comfort of one’s own bed. Ahh! Yet I have not once had a bed partner who would agree, hardly fair, I think. Can my next bed partner be all about hanging out in bed?! Ha-ha! Even my puggo likes to get up and have breakfast before the sun comes out before going back to bed again.
I’ve lived on my own a good long while now and for sure every weekend I do sleep in. I may get up a couple of times, but I’ll go back each time to fully commit to that good weekend morning sleep! An ex-boyfriend didn’t understand it, my ex-husband felt much the same way, but it is a type of rest that only comes when there’s no anticipation of an alarm clock or obligation.
To my own utter amazement I did not sleep in this weekend, at all! It wasn’t planned and I had no intention of getting up and starting the day so early, but on both days of this past weekend I was up and dressed and doing things before 8 am! I do tend to go to bed early on Friday evenings, but that’s never caused me to wake up early before! Ha-ha! Perhaps I’m at a point where my sleep cycle is no longer running on a continuous deficit? I can’t be sure.
On Saturday I don’t think it even registered how early I was up or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. It wasn’t until Sunday, as I was at the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, the last stop of my errands, when I looked at my phone with astonishment: 9:28 am. I had already made three previous stops. I couldn’t believe my own eyes and just sort of stood there dumbfounded for a moment, but then it was my turn to check out so I snapped out of it. Ha-ha! It was a strange feeling, though, to feel good and be doing things and yet have it all feel as though it’s not you doing it?! Hard to explain.
I think I’m in a phase of some sort, of possibly shedding some old ways. Can only be good, I’m certain. On Saturday I had made sure to take care of some things that would allow me to feel less stress and to set myself up for a better week ahead, too. I didn’t get around to washing my bedding, but I may just do that tonight. The best part is that it doesn’t matter at all, not one bit! There is no one it affects but myself and I don’t have any sort of need or care about such things, only a fleeting fancy here and there.
Oh I did get a lovely pot of chrysanthemums (white with yellow centers) and a small mint plant that I promptly added to my lil’ garden/planter box. I forgot to snap a photo, but it’s not much to look at just yet. It did make me happy though, to be in the morning sunshine for a few minutes, massage living things into the dirt. And I had started to write again, more poetry/rant-y type stuff, in a notebook that day and kind of kept it going through Sunday.
I feel good. About all this, about my life right now. I have worries, but I think things will work out just fine. They always do somehow. I feel that I have let some internal notions go and this has given me new strength or motivation. I don’t always want to hide from the sun, the world. I do enjoy the more gentle rays of late morning or early evening. If that ain’t a metaphor for my life I am not sure what is?! Ha! I just know that, as troubling as things have been, better, so much better, is on the horizon…for all of us.
Let us each dig deep into the earth, into ourselves, and free up what has been tethering or weighing us down. We can choose to let go and lift ourselves up, even and especially if it feels funny in the moment. I can’t truly explain the serenity I felt this past weekend, but it’s wholly my own and that is fucking priceless!
We do not have to carry habits that no longer serve us. We do not have to follow suit, simply because “that’s how it’s always been”. We can choose to step away and observe and decide for ourselves what is right, what feels best for ourselves now. Do not give thought or concern to what was. As the dead leaves have nourished the soil beneath the trees from whence they came, so too can you feed your roots and give yourself and your life a new chance to bloom into the life and garden of your own creation.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

A Night Out for SmoJoe’s!

April13

If you were to ask me at random if I like musicals I will tell you that I do not. I may add a caveat of, “except for Hello Dolly and JC Superstar” but even that is rare. In fact I actually cannot stand at all the way modern broadway vocals sound, it’s all very nasally and obnoxious to me. We all have our preferences, though, so it’s whatever, ya know? I have been incredibly fortunate to have a BFF who is also a skilled and talented (yes, both!) actor, dancer, singer, choreographer, writer, and director. They’re kind of a big deal! Over the last twenty years I have seen most of the shows they have been in or directed. I say most because they were in a million shows in 2017 and I know I missed at least two! Ha-ha!

The very first show I saw Jery perform in was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and it made me see them in a new light. Now I’ve seen a ton of their shows over the years, but the stand out favorites have been JC Superstar, their Judas was unparalleled and just blew me away, West Side Story, the production wasn’t great but their Chino brought tears to everyone’s eyes I swear, White Christmas, ohmigosh I don’t even like Christmas but I cried my dumb face off at the end of that one they were so damned amazing in it, and then my memory gets hazy. I recall some plays they were in that were incredible to watch, titles escape me but one was for MACLA a local org and another at the San Jose Mexican Heritage Plaza Theater, both were sublime. I can honestly say that their theater resume is varied and rich with content!

It has been an honor and a privilege to see someone I know and love and drink with often evolve and grow and flourish in their abilities. Even when the show wasn’t great, their performance proved a shining beacon no one could deny. Catch me if you can was a delightful romp and a bit different than what I had seen them in previously. Several years ago I recall seeing them perform in a revue-like show called Smokey Joe’s Cafe and I had no idea how much I would love it. That production had built a story line into it, but I honestly didn’t notice! Ha-ha! I was so dazzled by well dressed men singling splendidly and dancing around on stage. And I knew all the songs! That had never happened before. I truly loved it. When they told me last year that they would be directing and choreographing Smokey Joe’s Cafe this year I was stoked!

When my BFF from Ohio came to visit we had no idea we’d get the exceptional opportunity to see Jery’s production of SmoJoe’s, as it is oft referred, the night before it opened! Wow! What a treat! Y’all! We were fucking blown away! The caliber of talent in the cast was beyond compare. Not just in vocals, but the dancing! SO MUCH DANCING! I was blissed the fuck out, lemme tell ya! Ha-ha! I just love seeing people dance and that choreography was so fun! I noticed some lil’ easter eggs, if you will, he’d thrown in there. Maybe not just for me, but a few of ’em felt like it. Ha! (J you know which move I’m referring to! Ha!) After seeing so many shows and even this same show before you’d think I’d be tough to impress at this point, and I might agree with you. However, Jery is a seasoned professional with great vision and a rich pool of talent from which to build his show!

Of course I would have preferred to see them in the show singing and dancing too, but seeing the end result was nothing short of awesome. I must admit it was a bit of a treat, though kinda wrong, to see them anxious and sweating bullets before opening night. I just so rarely see that side of them and always feel like a complete mess myself. Ha-ha! That’s what friends are for, right?! Everything went off without a hitch and anyone who saw the show gushed about its greatness, I can assure you! I was lucky enough to see it twice! I love a good opening gala!

They will likely hate me for posting this picture but I fucking love the hell out of it and I hope they get that part before the self deprecating thoughts/comments begin.

I kind of love “bad” pics of myself at this point…but I really love this outfit! 

One of the shining stars of the show, Tony Gonzales, and their ever-espressive face! Ohmigosh! When the group sang “Ying Yang” Tony’s face was the whole show! Ha-ha!

These are Tony’s precious puppers dressed for the opening gala reception and to theme in their poodle skirts! Too cute!

After the show was the gala reception with champagne and h’ordeuvres and all the chatting and laughter you can imagine. It’s always a great time, but for me especially because it means I’m hanging and chatting and drinkin’ champers with my two BFFs! J’s spouse P never misses a show…or the rum balls! Ha-ha! With all of the hustle and bustle in the lobby slowly dying down, some of the cast and it’s illusive director popped back onto the stage for a quick celebratory Sake Bomb, only with cider instead of beer. J had asked if I could take a quick video of it for them and I said, “Of course…if you’ll snap some pics of me at this bar right now!” and so…

That’s me on stage, hanging out at Smokey Joe’s Cafe! During the show the shelves were all lit up beautifully!

I highly recommend supporting your local theater. You may even be surprised to find that you like musicals after all, as I did. Ha-ha!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Subscriptions: From Ipsy to BoxyCharm! (And more!)

April11

I love getting a lil’ surprise in my mailbox each month. It helps break up the monotony of life, I think. Or at least the monotony of bills and junk mail! Ha-ha! My all-time favorite subscription and piece of mail each month is definitely the Feminist Sticker Club (dot com). For $2.50 a month I get an awesome, feminist sticker. I love to slip them under my phone’s clear-soft case so it feels like I have a new case each month. I have tried a couple of other subscription boxes but have since canceled them.

I tried one called Lip Monthly that was, I believe, $12.99 but you got 5 lip products each month. I’m addicted to lip stuff! I canceled because you couldn’t ever choose a color palette or share your preferences. I kept getting things too brown or too orange for my complexion. The other one I tried was How 2 B a redhead. It seemed like just the thing for me, redheaded and all, but alas, it was greatly disappointing and seemed to be geared more towards non-natural redheads. While the box itself seemed a great value, you got a lot of stuff for the price you paid (there were different levels), it just wasn’t for me.

I have subscribed to the Ipsy glam bag for nearly two years. I have a tidy stack of their zipper pouches that have proven to be quite helpful when in need and still cute to look at when left on their own. It was always so fun to get something just for me in the mail each month. I would get excited to open the shiny, hot pink envelope each month. Lately, though, I had started to get a bit bored with what they were sending and even when I did like something, the tiny size was a bit of a downer. So I put my membership on “pause” for a couple of months.

Last month I heard about a similar subscription box, but with full sized beauty products. Curious, I decided to give it a shot and ordered their “FOMO” box, because I had missed the date to be included in the initial April shipment, they sent what was worded like it was leftovers, but what I got was very impressive…

A gorgeous Tarte cosmetics palette in the metallic nudes everyone is gaga for these days. I loved the mermaid theme of the compact itself and the big mirror inside. A fun glitter top coat type lip gloss. “Better than sex” mascara by Too Faced, I’d heard about this stuff for ages! And two gorgeous rose gold toned brushes that feel so luxurious! I was blown away by this first box!

Then just the other day I got my second BoxyCharm box! O-M-Z! More gorgeousness! I am once again beyond impressed and may be hooked! This one included a PUR palette in fun and much needed colors (sorry forgot to get a pic of the inside). A stunner of a highlighter (bottom right). My favorite lip gloss in a color I didn’t have already by Steve Laurent (this is my third now). And 3 makeup brushes that I have already found to be exactly what I was missing from my collection! Just wow!

For $21 this is still a massive bargain, even if I only loved one product! The full size means I no longer need to fiddle with tiny-sample sized eye shadow pots that never seemed to stay shut or won’t open at all. These subscriptions have helped me save so much money, too! How? Well, I am very fond of Walgreen’s and would often “just pop in real quick” and come out $40-$60 later, more than once a month! Ugh! That’s not even mentioning my oft Target visits, no idea what I spend there on this type of thing because it all goes in the cart with everything else. No more! Not only am I not seduced by fancy displays and sales ads, but I’m getting better quality products, too!

Now, there are some things I enjoy greatly, maybe even obsessively, that simply do not come in a subscription. I have been living on tidbits from Trader Joe’s and I refuse to feel an ounce of shame about it. Their prices are sublime and it’s great for my spinster life since most things are not in giant packages. A recent indulgence was their herbed goat cheese log with these Fig & Olive crisps, soooooo good! It feels fancy, even thought it was like $6 total!

And this prosecco from Trader Joe’s is always in my fridge, I promise. I even created my very own signature drink: The Pro-Mosa! Prosecco + Peach Juice = Divine! This prosecco is only $5.99 a bottle at my local TJ’s (yours may differ, of course). I get this and their Dixie Peach juice and it lasts awhile. So tasty, so refreshing! I used to love their Newton’s Folly cider, but it now comes in a can and tastes nasty. Oh well. Pro-Mosa life for me!

What stuff are you into lately? What are you obsessed with or excited about? What am I missing out on? What subscriptions do you enjoy? Tell me! Ha-ha!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S


P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Going Back to Cali…I Don’t Think So!

April10

 

On March 3, 2019 I drove to SFO to pick up my BFF Michaela. You might know them from our awesome Fat As Fuck Podcast, or a bunch of other amazing things they’ve done (aka Dr. BadAss!). I was excited to see them and nervous about being a host to an out of town guest for a whole week for the first time. I had baked a cake in preparation, but ran out of time and didn’t frost it. Oh well. I put on what is now my new favorite outfit (and possible soulmate-look) I cleaned out the backseat of my car in anticipation of luggage needs and hit the highway headed north! I arrived in time to beat the line at the airport Starbucks (text her for their order) and waited patiently for their gloriousness to arrive.

I had a vague plan for each day of their visit with plenty of room to just chill out or shoot the shit or random distractions. We headed straight to Drunch with my BFF “P” from the airport and even had to push the reservation back a bit. Good food and plentiful mimosas were enjoyed by all! Then we got back to my place and I frosted the hell outta that cake! Ha-ha! I am a nervous host, but had read some articles about preparing one’s home for guests and how to make them feel more welcome.

The next day we hit up 2 different Ross (Dress for Less) and 1 Home Goods store and lemme tell you all right here and now: Michaela has hella good Ross luck! I found items I had been longing for and at incredible prices! We had yummy Thai food for lunch and laughed a ton! The next day, unfortunately, I was feeling like hot-soggy-garbage and had to pretty much stay in bed. We had made plans to visit their college friend and hit up the Alameda Pinball Museum together. Instead they came down to pick up Michaela and brought me a lovely and very unexpected bouquet of flowers. They spent the day together lunching and caught a movie while I rested and tried to feel human again. Win-win!

The next day they were feeling a lil’ crummy, so we took it easy and hit up Daiso that afternoon after enjoying a delightful Japanese BBQ place nearby. Daiso is a Japanese housewares store, only everything is $1.50 (unless otherwise marked). I friggin’ love Daiso! My BFF “Q” and I used to talk about starting a Vlog called, “Daiso Life” because we love it so much. I do not have any pics of our loot from that shopping trip, but just know that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and found lots of fun home-y items. Ha-ha!

I had gotten us tickets to an experience thing in San Francisco as a surprise! I lucked out with a Groupon, too, or it would have been quite spendy! It was a 2-part thing in a venue called One Dome. One part was called Hidden Garden and was an augmented reality, interactive experience. You wear these VR-like things on your face, only it’s different and you can “interact” with and “unlock” things as you progress. It’s not really a game, but had that vibe. It was created by many digital artists and you could even unlock info about them as you went along. Since this was all in the headset thing I don’t have any pics to share except the one with our dorky visors, but don’t fret, the other part of this was pic-tastic!

The second part of this “experience” was called LMNL and was basically just 14 rooms with different stuff happening in each. Fun times! We took turns using my Pixel 3’s camera (because it rocks!) and gave each other direction in how to pose or evoke, if you will. We had a friggin’ blast! Their outfit was perfection for these purposes as you can plainly see! Ha-ha! I loved the striped room best I think, but we made use of most of the rooms. It was expected that you take pics and selfies, much like the Color Factory or Ice Cream Museum you may have seen pics of on Instagram.

That Friday we had Drunch again but with “The Boys”, meaning both “P” and “J” (the usual Drunch crew, minus Tom) and had another grand ole time of ourselves! Michaela ordered the Chilaquiles and I think we were all envious!  After we went to Peet’s for some much needed caffeination and I snapped a pic of me and P (a rare one without my glasses!). Once sobered up (whew!) we headed to what I thought would be a fantastic photo op spot in Santa Clara where they have these huge spectacles made of recycled glass outside the museum. Well, it was fun anyway. Ha!

Later that evening we met up with a mutual friend and fatty dancer for pizza in Mountain View. I snapped the pic above of Michaela in the red jacket, so hot! Yet time flew by and the next thing we knew it was time to pack up and to head back to SFO again. It was hard to believe that we spent an entire week together, just fattin’ it up and doing our thing, but we did. And for that I am truly grateful! And this lil’ guy had a blast getting all kinds of love and attention from Mychii, his new BFF!

I cannot express in words the feeling of knowing, loving, and sharing intimate space and experiences with someone who is also a radical fat activist and bad ass. I’ve known Michaela for over ten years, first on Live Journal, later on all the things. They were my first guest on my own podcast, years ago, they popped my Skype cherry, were the first to call me a Bad ass ever, and now we have a podcast together! Life is nuts, but it is the people in it that make it so much better and brighter! (I love you, Babes. Five-Ever & Vadgie-D, Biiiiiiitch!)

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S


P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

In the Evening Sun

April5

People always give me a look of shock and awe when I mention being friends with my ex-husband and his wife. I know it’s weird, but we were friends before we even dated and we never had any major drama that caused our split, we just didn’t need to be married or live together any longer. Ha-ha! Seriously, though, it took a lot of time and work on all of our parts and I’m so happy to have them in my life. They made my shitty birthday sooooo much better (I was sick) last year, and they are simply good humans.

Last month I took a week off work so I could visit with my best friend who came to stay with me from Ohio (yes I’ll post about that specifically soon!). My ex was also going on vacation that week and needed someone to pet sit their many animals. I friggin’ love animals, y’all! I said yes before I even realized the timing and all involved. I mean, you walk into a coop and have 4 fluffy chicken butts at eye level and say no…I couldn’t! 4 chickens, 4 fish, 3 cats (+1 stray they feed) and a cockatiel for a few days and nights, but we did alright. The first day I went to clean and feed the brood I discovered a lovely thank you note along with several lovely gifts from them (1 bottle of champagne, 1 bottle of Capriccio fizzy sangria {aka Five Loko amongst my friends}, and a jar of homemade marmalade!). Plus he’s a CMT and had offered several hours of massage as repayment for the pet sitting.

Last week we went to a movie (Jordan Peele’s “Us” and its fantastic!) and he mentioned building a planter box in my tiny backyard. It was just this slab of cracked blacktop, but I had been wanting to get a nice chair to read back there when the weather is nice. Nothing much to see, but this lil’ yard was a big factor in my choosing my apartment. I’m so glad that I did!

They already had the lumber and dirt in their own backyard and so it seemed a simple thing. He came by to measure and check with me about it on Sunday and then Thursday while I was at work he built this beautiful planter box and filled it with lovely things! I thanked him profusely when he sent me the pic, but then when I got home and saw this…

I was fucking blown away! It’s gorgeous and perfect and more than I ever imagined! I mean, y’all!!! He legit made a heart for me out of some ivy!

Even the puggo was impressed!

(My bff Ash did that for me, blew up just his face, it’s like my fave internet thing when folks do that shit…but this is my baby!)
AND that’s not all, he also brought over a watering can specifically for my new mini-garden and some furniture…

Just the sweetest and most thoughtful thing ever! I didn’t have the heart to tell him that there’s no way my fat ass can sit in those chairs without them breaking. Or that that purple nightstand had been in front of my building on the street all week and it’s hideous. Ha-ha! He wanted me to have, “A place for your cocktail while you read.” Seriously, I know I ended our marriage, but he’s always been a thoughtful guy! His mama is just the same. I couldn’t resist the light of the setting sun and had to snap a quick selfie…

So lovely! And this blazer is brand new, well, from eBay, but it was my first time wearing it. I was trying to get a spring time feel with this outfit and I think I nailed it…

Professional bitch, at your service! Ha-ha! Of course, once home and after our evening walk, we got settled in for the evening. I had bought this off-the-shoulders long johns sort of thing from Soncy before I moved but hadn’t worn it or even tried it on yet. Life was just stressful af at the time, ya know? So I put it on with a fave bralette (torrid, but bought from a friend for cheap) and felt so very sexy! I can’t even explain it because when I took a near full-length pic I thought it didn’t look good at all, but it sure made me feel fabulous! That’s all that matters anyway, right?! So I cracked open my new favorite cider and relaxed the rest of the night. Ahhhh!

This is my sexy face, I guess? IDK! Ha-ha!

Sittin’ on my couch, sippin’ the night away (not, only had one to be honest)!

Yum!

Thanks for stopping by and reading about my silly life. I’ll be posting more soon…I promise! 😉

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