NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Feelin’ Good

June7

I’m in a much better place, mentally, than I thought possible, all things considered. I’ve had such massive waves of insecurity I sort of worried if I’d ever feel like “me” again. But I do and here I am and I’m okay. Actually, I’m a little better than okay today. I’m feeling pretty dang good, both mentally and physically.

Wednesday evening I was taken on an impromptu date to Taco Bell by my BFF P! We randomly wore the exact same color palette (black and red, yo!) and went back to his for fun cocktails and awesomely bad movies. He and I hadn’t hung out just the two of us in years and oh how I loved every minute of it! (We are also starting a movie review YouTube channel, so stay tuned for the hilarity!)

Yesterday…ahhh! Yesterday was sublime! (I don’t know that I’ve used that word much in my life.) The bf took the day off to spend with me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We did so many fun things! My favorite though was going to Nickel City! It’s this arcade sort of place, but it’s all run on nickels ($2 admission) and a lot of the older arcade games are on free play (Tetris anyone?!). Ohmigosh! So much fun! We won a bunch of tickets from various games and cashed them in for a Spongebob puzzle and a couple of matching, silver, plastic dollar sign rings. It’s silly and tacky and hilarious and I think I’m in love with this ring! I want to wear it always! 😉 Mostly it was just lovely to spend so much time with someone I, well, want to spend all my time with. Ha-ha!

I went to bed smiling last night and woke up that way as well. It’s hot out and the birds are singing and I slept gorgeously (so needed). I randomly decided to wear this Torrid top I’d bought at least five years ago. I love this top, but have never worn it. I always put it on, then freak out about it and put on something else before going out. Ugh! It’s so pretty and I always thought I could wear it confidently, but that hasn’t been the case. I thought I could pair it with a smart shrug or something, but let’s face it, when it’s hot enough to wear this kind of top you’re so not wanting to layer it. Ugh! But today I felt great and it’s hot out and I thought, “Fuck it! I’m doing this thang today!!!” and so I did!

(Sorry, couldn’t get a full body shot, plus I’m just in my undies right now. Ha-ha!)

And a side note here, can I bitch for a moment about my Sally Hansen Gel manicure thing? Ugh! I’d wanted this thing for awhile and finally found a new one on eBay for a steal. I realize I didn’t pay full price, but I was excited to use this product. It claimed a long lasting (2 weeks) chip resistant manicure. ONE DAY!!! It last one fucking day! First thing yesterday on nail entirely peeled off (see pic above)! WTF?! The rest are all chipping and catching on everything. I’ll be taking it all off today, but seriously this is some bullshit! 1-2 days versus two weeks?! Not cool! I do not recommend this product at all. I expect more from Sally Hansen (for some reason) and cannot believe how much they’re charging (retail) for this crap. Ahem. *StepsOffSoapBox*

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty good. Going to stay in today until it cools off. Have many jobs to apply to anyway. I’m waiting to hear back about my unemployment claim. Fingers crossed. I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
<3
S

Randomness is Random

May20

I would love to see a blog called “Perfectly Portly”…someone do this! 😉

Dance rehearsal was hard and good and a bit emotional. Our progress is fantastic when only a week ago we had just half a song choreographed. I  got that runner’s high thing again, it’s kind of awesome. I keep getting asked if I’m excited or nervous and I am, but it still somehow doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me also just wants it over with. Ha-ha!

If you’re local to San Francisco/Oakland area and are interested in seeing me perform for the first time in 17 years, or just want to see a fantastic body positive dance show (OMZ! It’s the best!) there are TWO chances: Saturday, May 25th at 8pm or Sunday, May 26th at 2 pm. Get your tickets in advance to save some time and money: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/378829

I paid for my NoLose registration…I cannot wait to go! Hoping and wishing and visualizing awesome job so that I can pay my credit card off and my hotel room. I may have to drive, but I’ve been itching for a road trip anyway. It’s in Portland, Oregon this year. PDX is like my favorite place not in California, so WOO!!!

Did y’all see that ReDress is back?!?! This is where I’ve gotten all of my Teggings!

A pic of me & Raven from the Fatty Affair Family Picnic a few weeks ago:

Gawd we are so aforable!!! Ha-ha! Both wearing Eshakti (current) and I’m not in love with vintage cocktail hats from the 50’s because of this little white one I’m wearing. Do you have any of these? Hit me up!!! I am dying for a black one! 🙂

Today is my last day at my current job. I have some interviews this week and I am feeling good and hopeful. I had a great weekend with wonderful people who made me feel special and cared for and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m excited about it once again.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

Fatty Affair: FATshion!

February3

The clothing swap part of Fatty Affair seemed to be the most popular portion for sure. And while I only snagged a couple of tops towards the end of the main part of the swap, I’ve already worn one and Love it! What was truly fun for me was getting to see what people picked up, tried on and strutted around in! Many were quite pleased to just change on the spot and wear their new garb the rest of the day. That is so cool!

We also had a catwalk/fatshion show where people were asked to get their strut on if they were feeling good in what they were wearing, even if it wasn’t from the swap (the song of choice of course being “Super Model” by RuPaul). At first we had sign up sheets, but only one person signed up. So I said fuck it and started just recruiting people! Ha-ha! This did seem to work as soon there was a line on either side of the stage area. I didn’t realize that Jery would be the first or that he would even be participating, other than being the emcee, but gurl! He knew how to kick it off:

I went next and decided to twirl before bustin’ out my swagger down the catwalk:
Nicole of AWellRoundedVenture.com was, as always, dressed to impress!
Raven was such a good sport since she originally had no intention of participating:
Tigress & Amanda teamed up for an adorable twirl and strut combo!
But I have to say it, nobody embodied the spirit of the day or the swap quite like my friend Lauren!
This is her catwalk outfit (she had just snagged it in the swap):
This is what she showed up to Fatty Affair wearing (posing with her own artwork):
And this is what she ended up wearing the rest of the night after the fatshion show
(posing here with Milo and her companion looking ever so fabulous!):
It was a total blast! We all clapped along to the song and for each model. It felt so good and so empowering!
To live your entire life being told you could never do something because you’re fat? Yeah, fuck all of that!
We can do anything we damn well please! Together, as a community, we can move mountains and make dreams come true! I know this because it is my own experience. To see people really come into their own and become the person they always wanted to be. To shed the bullshit and the guilt and let go of toxic relationships and just live each day for you. To try things and step outside your comfort zone and experience the dazzling pleasures life has to offer if only we did that more! This is what Fatty Affair and the Fat community mean to me and have done for me.
I urge you, if you have even a tiny desire to attend something like this, do it yourself! Plan it! Team up! Coordinate! It’s so fucking worth it and you won’t regret it! Hit me up for tips. I mean, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I did it! Ha-ha! You don’t have to live somewhere specific or know “all the right people” because that is not at all what this is about. This was only ever about community for me. It was only ever about exchanging the love! And belly bumps! Ha!
<3

The Ultimate Fat Lineup!

February2

When I first started to go to fat events it was mostly just meet ups and the occasional clothing swap or shopping. It took me a few years before I attended more organized events. The first fat event that blew me away so completely that I couldn’t stop smiling for days after was “Go Big or Go Home” by Big Moves Bay Area. The show itself was so put together, but it was the feeling of witnessing something so special and honest and amazing that stuck with me! That first major event featured the Phat Fly Girls, Rubenesque Burlesque and Raks Africa! Talk about a triple threat?! Ha-ha! And my first encounter of Marilyn Wann in the flesh! I also had the pleasure of meeting Carol Squires that evening through sheer happenstance; my friends and I asked her to take our photo during intermission. Little did we know that she used to be a portrait photographer (and a member of the Fat Lip Readers)!

Life changing stuff, folks! Inspiring and empowering and moving and just fan-fucking-tastic! I mean, that was also the first time I’d gone strapless in public! Wow! That was nearly two years ago! Now I own like four or five strapless dresses! Ha-ha! I later attended “Queer.Fat.Political” in San Francisco and discovered the Fat Lip Readers and witnessed so radical a group of women that I was humbled and inspired. Standing in that room (I was video taping) and just soaking in all that was around me? It was like a bolt of feminist-fat lightening went through me. I walked away changed, for the better, forever. Never before had I felt such a sense of responsibility to carry the torch, as it were, that these women lit so many years ago and truly set the bar high. Their activism was to me the truest sense of the word. They put their necks out to improve the lives of fat people everywhere. I was honored to be in their presence.

A few months later Big Moves Bay Area hosted “Fatdance: What A Feeling” again featuring the Phat Fly Girls, Rubenesque Burlesque and Raks Africa…and this time hosted by Marilyn Wann and Amy Benson. It was fantabulous! You just can’t be around these amazing women and not get inspired! At the very least you’ll walk away laughing and smiling. There is something so powerful about witnessing someone doing whatever it is that they are passionate about. I don’t have a word for it. It always makes me want to dance again. I do dance, but I just can’t very often. At least not until my knee is sorted out. I had the please that same weekend of attending Marilyn’s b-day party and WDAL fundraiser. Talk about awesome fatty party times?! So fun!!!

I took these experiences as sort of a template or outline for how I wanted Fatty Affair to be. I didn’t want to copy anyone or anything, but these events had such an impact on me and I knew that good feeling just needed to be spread around! That was the point of all of it for me, to have a good time and to connect people and create a stronger community. The first person I asked to speak was Marilyn, of course! If you’ve never had the joy of having a fat-related conversation with her, well, it’s great! It’s this fantastic free flowing exchange of ideas. It’s what all creative types need. It’s what all activists need. It was absolutely what I needed on both of those fronts! She had tons of ideas and plenty of experience in participating and attending such fat events all over the world. I was delighted when she agreed to speak and pleased that she was excited about it, too.

Not being a professional anything at all, I stumbled a bit when I first tried to get people to perform at Fatty Affair. I wasn’t clear in communication and while still running the cafe, sucked at follow up! Once further details and apologies were worked out, the rest of the lineup came together nicely. The last person I asked was my BFF Jery. I don’t know why…I always feel like he “has better shit to do” (gee, wonder why that is? Ha-ha!) or whatever, but I did and he accepted. It wasn’t until two nights before the event that we actually got together and nailed down a timeline for it. I know, we live in the same building and can’t seem to sync our schedules! Ha-ha! But it worked out just fine.

And here is where I use every ounce of restraint I have in me to not gush over Linda Bacon PhD not only accepting my invitation to participate/speak at Fatty Affair, but that she did so after receiving paid offers on the same day! She says it was for purely selfish reasons, that she needed to be around our positive community, to be re-energized. Can’t say that I blame her. It was yet another life changing experience for me and for many others. Everyone who helped, participated, performed or spoke was so fantastic! I seriously could not have imagined it going better than it actually did!

It was a success because of so many passionate individuals who worked together and helped pull this whole thing off! A special thank you and shout out to Raven Eagan and Amanda Evans! Raven was my boy scout and pressure valve while Amanda was the genius who took over the bake sale for me and really made it shine!

  

Amanda & Marilyn (Belly Bump!)

Raven & Jeanette: Babin’!

Tomorrow I’ll be talking about: The FATshion!!! <3

Outfit From Fatty Affair

January31

This was a dream dress, y’all! I saw this dress over two years ago for about three times the price I paid for it. When I first saw it I envisioned myself standing in front of a piano in a jazz club singing Betty Hutton songs. It could happen! Ahem! I let it go due to my financial struggles, and not yet being comfortable wearing dresses (Psshht!), but never forgot it’s beauty and how it inspired me. I watched it on eBay a couple of times, hoping for the ultimate bargain…but no dice. I’d nearly given up all hope on owning it when a couple of months ago, when I was in my full-on-Eshakti-addiction mode, I came across it again on this interesting web site: www.ChicStar.com

I bookmarked the dress the moment I saw it again. I couldn’t believe my eyes! How could it be the very same dress for such a reasonable price?! It seemed impossible to me somehow so I hesitated buying it for awhile. As December began and my NYE plans started to come into focus, I knew I needed something special and maybe this site was worth the risk. I do tend to be a bit of a risk taker when it comes to online deals. But I still wasn’t quite ready to buy the “dream dress” for some reason. I first placed my NYE dress in the cart online and then perused a bit more, always going back to the bookmark for the “dream dress.” Then I thought I might as well do a quick search for coupon codes or free shipping deals for the sight. This is when I embrace and love happenstance and all of it’s magic and wonder! You see, I not only found an amazing coupon code (I don’t even remember the actual discount, maybe 30%), but I ended up qualifying for free shipping, too if I added the “dream dress!” And so I did! And it ended up being so affordable I couldn’t believe my eyes!

When the dresses arrived though I worried. They were both too big in the bust! The price was so cheap though that I didn’t want to send them back. I got a size 28 in both dresses. I bit the bullet and went to a local tailor. I paid exactly the same amount for his services as I did for both dresses…but it was totally worth it! They now hug my bosom (or bazooms if you prefer) and I feel confident and fabulous in them (except or the elastic back on the “dream dress”, My beloved Raven pinned it for me just before Fatty Affair began so I wouldn’t have to worry about slippage)!

I also went ahead and ordered the black crinoline to go underneath, since they’d both look better with it. So glad I did! I love it, I love how it makes the dresses look and I am just so pleased with it all in general! My NYE dress started my year off right and with a bang! The “dream dress” was more than any jazz club could offer! They were both Dream Dresses and the entire experience was, too! I mean, I hadn’t worn dresses happily or comfortably since high school! And now look at me? LOOK!!! Strapless! In public! Smiling! Laughing! Dancing! And having the time of my fucking life!!!

Oh yeah! The rest! Ha-ha! I am wearing my classic pearls from Shane Co. my husband bought me ages ago and one of my most treasured possessions. Also, winter length black teggings from ReDress. You all know how much I love my teggings, right? They are the perfect offspring of tights and leggings…No chub-rub!!! And the winter length are a bit thicker/sturdier so perfect for winder or colder days. My shoes?! Oh my beloved Doc Marten’s! I love my wingtips! I wear them mostly for special occasions, but also when I want a touch of sass in my style! I always get complimented on them. They are fairly comfortable, though not the best for support on long days. Docs are like that, no worries. I got these babies on eBay for $35 a few years ago. Another of my treasured possessions. Though few they are precious to me. And my hair feathers are from Ross (Dress for Less).

I had originally planned an entirely different hair do. Then I saw these feathers! The colors were perfect! They are on a comb and cost $7.99. A bit more than I would typically spend on such a thingy of curiosity, but so glad that I did. Everyone loved them! I loved them! They added that extra pizzazz you need when you have nothing on your shoulders. I still had another hair do in mind, but after my initial 80% blow dry my husband said how much he loved the natural flip my hair was doing and so I just fucking went with it! No hairspray or nothin’! Just shoved that comb in, pinned it in place and walked out the damned door! Okay, not really…I spent over an hour on my eye liner and nearly freaked out about it big time. Stress! What can ya do? Ha-ha!

It all worked out for the best. I got so many genuine compliments that I will be floating on air for weeks! Fatty Affair was a dream come true in so many ways. It is so sad to me that it’s over now, but I am looking forward to seeing everyone’s pictures and hearing their awesome stories. Everything I’ve seen so far has been just delightful! Except for the moment face book decided to block me from my account for using a “fake name!” Ugh! Don’t get me started…

Thanks for reading…more to come! <3

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