I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Unicorns & Rainbows


No really, that was the name of the show I attended last night! Okay well it was actually called: The Kentucky Fried Woman Show Unicorns & Rainbows: A Queer Cabaret Celebrating All Things Gay It was fabulous, if not too short in my opinion. I had never been to the venue before, but I liked it a lot. The decor was a bit posh for what I’m used to, but in general not too stuffy or stuck up or anything either. Nice! The show featured music, dance, burlesque and fun fun fun! To say I enjoyed myself would be an understatement. I had my two BFFs with me, many laughs were had.

Actually, the only bummer of the evening for us was after the show was over we were invited and promised that there would be a Dj for dancing. I don’t know who the Dj was, but at first he was playing some pretty cool 80’s songs and J & I had fun goofing around dancing to those, but suddenly it was slow or just strange songs in general. Before the show started they were playing The Gossip, Beth Ditto and even Lady Gaga over the sound system. We were all into it, so the after show music left us wanting. It really bummed us out. We were ready to dance the night away, especially since the show ended at 9ish. I don’t wanna pick on anyone and I don’t know the situation, but I’ve always felt that the role of a Dj is to read the room and enhance or lift the mood. Ya know? Am I off base here?

And so we left, with some hesitation, singing our way back to the car. As per my usual, I got us a bit lost before finally finding our way back onto the freeway. I don’t know what it is about Oakland, but this happens every single time! Ha-ha! J & I kept the dancing going most of the way home. But by the time we got to our apartment building I think we were all pretty tired. I was still very much awake, but physically tired since I’d been up since 6 am and already went fishing with my husband and went to an art & wine festival that day. All in all it was a fun and full day. It was lovely to see so many friends and new acquaintances.

How was your weekend? Tell me all about it!

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Finding Your Sexy


I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3

Coming Out Of Hiding?


You may not know it from just reading this blog o’ mine, but it seems that I have in fact been in hiding, y’all. I hadn’t actually realized it myself until Monday night at karaoke with my two BFFs. Jery bought the first round of drinks and as we were about to toast (Wyder’s pear cider, yo!) he leans over and says to me, “I’m so glad you finally decided to come out.” gobsmacked, I replied, “Have I been in hiding or something?” to which he said, “Well, yeah, it felt like it.”

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken. I do feel as though I’ve come out of some sort of hiding/cloistering period. I guess I just hadn’t thought of it that way. The thing is, I used to go out at least once a week. Usually to karaoke with the boys, but then it stopped being fun, I ran out of moolah and got super tired and depressed. It happens. I got so caught up in my own stress and anxieties that I’d forgotten to have fun. What a huge missing piece of my giant self-care puzzle, right?! Whew! So happy I’ve found it!

And it wasn’t actually that sudden of a thing, either. I think the fat clothing swap in San Francisco a couple of months ago (was it that long?) really kicked things off and reignited my fatty activist passion. Then of course meeting so many fabulous local fats helped and soon I found my social calendar filling up! Who knew? I do remember a point where I was scrambling to fulfill plans made and even canceling some for both personal (anxiety/panic) and logistic reasons.

The fat flesh mob with Marilyn Wann in S.F. for International No Diet Day was another big push in the right direction. It certainly reminded me in an indelible way just how important and needed the fat acceptance movement is and why I am committed to being a part of it and furthering its goals (equality, anyone?). The burlesque class* that made me realize that I could feel sexy again! And somehow it all culminated in this past weekend with the BBW dance night in Oakland and then karaoke on Monday? Well, what a wild ride and a blast! And I’m still standing! Fun didn’t kill me! Ha-ha!

I guess I do tend to cloister myself reflexively. I stay where I can control my environment and interactivity. I stick with what’s comfortable and easy and low maintenance and stress. It’s why sometimes I just can’t want to try a new restaurant while other times I’m jumping at the chance. My husband both help and hurts this type of self-preservation things depending on what end of the spectrum we each are on at that time. I used to think being a homebody was some terrible waste of time or whatever. Now I totally get it! I do!

I would like to thank my friends, new and old, for sticking by me and being so patient and kind to me. P&J for being my all-time cheerleaders and the tough love givers when they somehow know the time is right. Steph for making me feel like we were in high school talking on the phone about all things boys for hours! Virgie Tovar for being so fucking sweet and awesome and helping me feel sexy again! Carmen for accompanying me to the burlesque class and getting out of your comfort zone…you sexy bitch! Marilyn Wann for making me see you in a whole new light (human? Yep, totally!) and putting one of my dreams into reality (fatty flash mob!). Jeanette & Jessica for inviting me out, making me feel welcome and for making me feel like a girl, too! Twistie for always somehow knowing the right thing to say to me, keeping me sane. Psycho Sue and Rachel for being such amazing and supportive bad asses even though y’all live so very far away from me. WithoutScene for actually wanting to put up with my random-ass chat sessions (ha-ha!) and inspiring me and making me see my own potential. Amanda for making me so hopeful for the hardworking college folks out there! What you are doing is amazing, I don’t know why you don’t have a  fan club yet! Kath for inspiring me and being a super fatty blog mentor to me (without you realizing even). Of course, my husband, Bryan for being my rock and my best friend and putting up with my chaos (even though he’s never seen this blog–he’s aware of it). And my regular  here and my regular customers at the cafe for lifting my spirits by just saying hi! Thank you for that!

If you’ve never left a comment, please do. I forget anyone reads this sometimes and it really does help me keep going.  

Not sure how this ended up all sappy…meh, whatever. Go with it! Ha-ha! Thanks y’all! You rock my socks!

Fat Ass Dancin’!


Oh babes! (You’re all hawt-ass babes in my eyes, just so ya know!) I went out dancin’ on Friday night with my friends Jessica, Jeanette and Nicole (and Amy & her gals *waves* Hi ladies!!!)…whew! I’m still recovering! Ha-ha! There was a time, a long-long time ago chi’ren, when this fattycake used to go out dancin’ every Friday and Saturday with my girl Summer (I miss you girl, where you at?) and we would dance all night for nobody but us! This last Friday? Totally reminded me of back then. *sigh* It’s been soooooooo long! And I had SO much fun!

Full Figured Entertainment hosts a BBW night on the 3rd Friday of the month at Club Anton in Oakland, CA (you save $2.50 by pre-paying on their site just in case you plan on coming to the next one). I wasn’t sure what to expect, to be honest, but as co-designated drunk, I was ready to make it a good time one way or the other. Luckily I didn’t need to do that at all. Oh no, the fun was there just waitin’ for us! When we arrived the place was near empty, but soon that all changed!

As DJ Pam “The Funktress” was spinnin’ everything from today’s hottest hip hop hits to some fantastic old school numbers for me (“Humpty Dance” is my jam!), she even went all out, even scratchin’ with, well, her boob! It was fabulous, you don’t even know!!! It took me a bit (and a couple of cape cods) to get my courage up for some fatty booty shakin’ but I will tell you what, once I started I didn’t wanna stop! Ha-ha!

The gals and I had a blast! It was so much fun! I barely felt time pass as we were out there dancing and dancing and popping out into the cold Oakland evening air to refresh from time to time. I love that feeling! When you’re all hot and sweaty from dancing and you step outside into the coolest breeze and the air is nearly electric? Well, it felt so good. I felt so alive! For once I didn’t feel like an old fussy lady sitting at home, ya know?

At one point they stopped the music to pull the raffle winner (they raffle a big bottle of booze each night) and then proceeded to introduce and instruct us on “The Cupid Shuffle” which I’d never heard of nor done. It took me a full rotation, but I got the hang of it enough to throw my own flavor into the moves. FUN! I was feeling so good, I mean, I was full-on blissed-out, y’all! OMZ!

Photography by C’Davisionaire Photography

You can see Nicole and I there doin’ the Cupid Shuffle, I think I was watching my feet or the people in front of me, still trying to get my counts down. Ha-ha! I could have done that shuffle the rest of the night! So fun! And the music was fantastic! I had a hard time coming out of my shell at first because I didn’t know most of the music (this is a rare thing), but thanks to Nicole’s “peer pressure” (so not the bad kind, no worries) I soon found myself and the rest of the bunch dancing the night away!

I got home about 3:30 AM and ate a couple of tacos I’d grabbed  on my way back. And then I just crashed a crash like I’d never crashed before. Whew! The next morning? Well, I was a wreck and a mess and a cryin’ shame! But it was so very worth it! I need to do this stuff more often, I’ve decided (and it’s been insisted by my friend across the street). Ha! And yet another fantastic fat event I’ve attended has changed my life for the positive. I cannot emphasize this enough, get out to these events! Support your local fat groups or start your own! It’s so worth it!

Inspirationally Rad Fatty Alert: Psycho Sue


My last podcast was with the ever incredible and amazing Psycho Sue! I had no idea at the time how much of an impact that little convo of ours would have on each other and even our readers.

I was ever so delighted to find the song she mentioned writing recently about being rejected for her size in the music industry (BULLSHIT!!!) on her blog. I clicked play and got chills instantly. Though, I must admit, by the end of the song I was bawling my face off. Good stuff, you guys! You don’t even know. Get over there and watch/listen and prepare for awesomeness and inspiration!

And then again to my delight and amazement (I am beginning to believe that this is all she does, amaze me), she started a sewing tutorial video series! Woot! A Total bad ass! I love ya, Sue! Keep doing what you’re doing, because you’re doing it just right! <3

I wish we were neighbors! Oh the shenanigans we would get into?! Ha-ha! And our little puggies would be BFFs and we’d live happily sewing after…Ha-ha! Seriously, I am so glad to have her, and you all here reading, in my life! Thank you!

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