You ever do something that surprises even you? Yeah, I did that! I had considered entering a model contest, for the club I go to about once a month, but chose not to…until yesterday (the last day for entries)! I entered my info, answers to cool fatty questions and pictures. And hit submit! WHAT?! I know!!! What?! I don’t know what I was thinking, but it really doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s a fun idea and if I get picked, awesome. If I don’t? No biggie. I just can’t believe I did it at all!

I have been really pushing back on the ideas of presentation and how women are “supposed to look” and all of that bullshit. I generally don’t do things like wear make up or high heels or anything one could identify with a model. But shit, dude, I can break down those standards of beauty and flaunt my own version of it! I can be a model and a bad ass, right? Secretly, being a model for something/anything is on my bucket list. So is joining a book club…and tonight I might just fulfill both! A good friend invited me to join her book club and after some questions I accepted! Woo!

I am all about getting the hell out of my comfort zone lately and repeating the phrase, “Why Not?!” So, can I be sexy in Doc Martens? You bet your sweet Asparcreme I can! (I miss those ads, always cracked me up!) And if I don’t get into the semi-finals or finals or whatever, so be it! I tried! Ha-ha! Today is about possibilities. Tonight is about fun with my gals! Right now is about nourishing my body with these  lovely fresh blueberry scones (Trader Joe’s Freezer Section, yo!) and espresso! YUM!

I am nearly done decorating my piggy for Love Your Body Day and have been surprised at how much fun I’m having while doing it. At one point I had it all planned out, something flubbed and now I swear to you it is creating itself! My ideas? Out the window! This piggy knows what she wants! My hands are merely the instruments she’s chosen to beautify herself into her truest and most authentic form (sparkly)!!! And then I shall be sewing/repairing the dress I’d like to wear to the club tonight! Woo! I’m terrible at sewing, but luckily the repair is on the seam and that should be about what I can manage. I had meant to do it yesterday, but piggy demanded more of my attention! Ha-ha!

It’s Friday and I’m in Love…with The Cure! I heard “Fascination Street” in the car yesterday and have been listening to their best of ever since…non-stop (okay, I slept)! They are so great! I can’t even handle their greatness! I’ve fallen for them all over again. I love when that happens! Like a couple of years ago and I “discovered” The Pixies! Oh man, one of the best bands ever! I’d just never been introduced to them back in the day. Oh well, still plenty o’ time to love! Now to start my own band…another bucket list item for sure!

Tomorrow we visit our local Renaissance Faire! We have a bogo coupon and the weather should be just right! Woo!

What are you stoked about today or this weekend? What was the last thing you did outside of your comfort zone that you’re glad you did? I wanna hear all about it! Let’s celebrate something, shall we?! Woo!

I want to put together a happy kit. Something that I can carry with me (in my bag) that I can use to lift my mood quickly. I had taken an art class a few years ago and the instructor was very much into the tapping into your inner child thing and had us make toy boxes out of old cigar boxes. It was fun decorating them, but I’ve only touched mine once or twice since and mostly just to see what was in there. But a happy kit? That I can get behind.

So, what might be in a happy kit? Anything that makes you smile, laugh, dance, play, etc. I tend to get very anxious when I’m about to go to some sort of social gathering and I could see this kit idea coming in quite handy. Even when I’m at a party or something, I could duck into a restroom and access that happy!

Just some initial ideas for my own kit: A picture of my husband, puggyman and tabbycat. A sourball or other hard candy (peppermint!). Something soft or fuzzy to feel/pet, maybe a tiny plushie. Something to smell, like a peach or berry or citrus fragrance. I should really create a HAPPY playlist on my iPod, too. Maybe even a picture of one of those hilarious memes that always seem to be on the web. Something silly, ya know? And maybe a picture of Jessica! What Jessica?

This Jessica:

What else should be in there? Oh, Advil, Pamprin, Tums…things I may actually NEED! Ha-ha! A wet wipe! Practical stuff, like a Tide pen. What else?

What would you include in your Happy On-The-Go Kit?

I just started reading the book “Shadow On A Tightrope: Writings by Women on Fat Oppression” and am only about 30 or so pages in. Strangely, I’ve had the book for over a year just sitting on my bookshelf. That is until my friend Jessica mentioned it and I said I needed to read it and then realized I already owned it! Ha-ha! I am grateful for this reminder though because sometimes I get overwhelmed with reading too many books. I’m bit of a slow reader and don’t have enough distraction-free time in my life to get much reading done anyway. So I can’t exactly comment on the book itself, but some things I’ve discovered so far are very interesting. The book was written by many women all over the world submitting essays and poems and such. Great stuff! Some of the language used would be different now and certainly because this is pre-internet era, things have changed. But not everything. I can’t go into detail, but it’s a great read and definitely a must read for any fat activists out there!

The first thing that struck me was the mention of where the word “obesity” came from. I’ll quote from the book, “The word “obesity” itself (Latin obesus, from obedere, “to eat up”) presents  view of fat people which rules the thinking of virtually all obesity scientists, regardless of their specific field.” I quote that because I didn’t know where the word originated and now I cannot help but wonder (and if you know or can link, please share!) when this word became part of the scientific, medical and finally general society? I will now refuse to accept this word as anything relating to myself or other fats. It is a gross and prejudicial word in my mind now. I honestly had no idea. Just thought I’d share that with ya. =0)

What made me want to post about it today was a song that I woke up to this morning (gotta love radio alarm clocks) . I thought it was a Randy Newman song! Oops! It was, in fact, a Leon Russell song called “Tight Wire” and I love it and wanted to share it with y’all! It’s general vibe is just rad. And the lyrics are awesome. Here’s the song and I’ll post the lyrics below:

I’m up on the tightwire
one side’s ice and one is fire
its a circus game with you and me
I’m up on the tightrope
one side’s hate and one is hope
but the tophat on my head is all you see
And the wire seems to be
the only place for me
a comedy of errors
and I’m falling

**Chorus**
Like a rubber-neck giraffe
you look into my past
well maybe you’re just to blind to – see
I’m up in the spotlight
ohh does it feel right
ohh the altitude
seems to get to me

I’m up on the tightwire
flanked by life and the funeral pyre
putting on a show
for you to see

**Chorus**
Like a rubber-neck giraffe
you look into my past
well maybe you’re just too blind to – see
I’m up in the spotlight
ohh does it feel right
ohh the altitude
really gets to get to me

I’m up on the tightwire
flanked by life and the funeral pyre
putting on a show for you to see

No really, that was the name of the show I attended last night! Okay well it was actually called: The Kentucky Fried Woman Show Unicorns & Rainbows: A Queer Cabaret Celebrating All Things Gay It was fabulous, if not too short in my opinion. I had never been to the venue before, but I liked it a lot. The decor was a bit posh for what I’m used to, but in general not too stuffy or stuck up or anything either. Nice! The show featured music, dance, burlesque and fun fun fun! To say I enjoyed myself would be an understatement. I had my two BFFs with me, many laughs were had.

Actually, the only bummer of the evening for us was after the show was over we were invited and promised that there would be a Dj for dancing. I don’t know who the Dj was, but at first he was playing some pretty cool 80′s songs and J & I had fun goofing around dancing to those, but suddenly it was slow or just strange songs in general. Before the show started they were playing The Gossip, Beth Ditto and even Lady Gaga over the sound system. We were all into it, so the after show music left us wanting. It really bummed us out. We were ready to dance the night away, especially since the show ended at 9ish. I don’t wanna pick on anyone and I don’t know the situation, but I’ve always felt that the role of a Dj is to read the room and enhance or lift the mood. Ya know? Am I off base here?

And so we left, with some hesitation, singing our way back to the car. As per my usual, I got us a bit lost before finally finding our way back onto the freeway. I don’t know what it is about Oakland, but this happens every single time! Ha-ha! J & I kept the dancing going most of the way home. But by the time we got to our apartment building I think we were all pretty tired. I was still very much awake, but physically tired since I’d been up since 6 am and already went fishing with my husband and went to an art & wine festival that day. All in all it was a fun and full day. It was lovely to see so many friends and new acquaintances.

How was your weekend? Tell me all about it!

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I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at BodyLoveWellness.com

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3