I know the title sounds a bit corny, I do, but it’s also the only way I could think of to describe what I’ve been going through lately. So tough shit! Ha-ha! j/k. Anyway, finding your sexy can be hard. Even for those who dress or may appear sexy to others. For me it seems to be a fluctuating thing. Even when my hormones are all a-ragin’ I can still feel unsexy, extremely so sometimes. I’m not saying you have to feel sexy all of the damned time because that isn’t always appropriate, ya know?! But there were days when I just couldn’t find it in myself to even think that I could ever be sexy. But that thought pissed me off a bit and so I decided to find it on my own!

Now several months ago, gosh, I can’t remember which month, but I was on a free tele-class hosted by the ever fabulous Golda Poretsky about how to feel sexy at any size. At the time I attended the class on a lark. What I got out of it was mostly some fat acceptance 101 stuff, but I enjoyed hearing Golda’s enthusiasm and supportive tone and stories. And the many callers who asked questions at the end of the class made me realize just how common it is to not feel sexy. I  consider Golda not just a friend, but an amazing resource and confidant when it comes to food and body issues. Do check out her blog over at BodyLoveWellness.com

Then as some of you may recall, I fell into a terrible funk and just couldn’t shake it for some time. When I finally did come out of it, I guess I wasn’t truly out of it at all. It’s a strange state I was in, for sure, but I just didn’t feel like anything. I was disconnected from myself and my body and whatever passion I had once had. Boo! My friends were so kind and supportive and really were there for me even though I didn’t know what I needed. My fellow fatty bloggers were there for me, too! They always inspire me. As do my readers/commenters (seriously, I don’t bite, please say hello). It was just a strange time for me I guess.

And then the hormones went into overdrive! Whoa! I was unprepared for the sudden sex drive I had. I’d never been like that before. And for weeks on end? Nuts! But I didn’t necessarily feel sexy. I wanted sex, but feeling desirable is another story all together. I didn’t exactly wake up one day determined to feel sexy or anything, but I did start doing things I either hadn’t done in ages or at all. First thing was I watched the films “Before Sunrise” & “Before Sunset” which are very sexy, but not rom-coms at all! And Ethan Hawke is mighty easy on these eyes, so that totally helped. I dunno, I think it was just the sweetness and tension and longing of those films, and damn they end nicely, that got me thinking along those lines.

Then of course was Virgie’s Burlesque class at Good Vibrations! Just walking into GV had me feeling more sexy. And with the moves Virgie taught us I knew I had found a way to get there again. Very simple moves, mind you, but it’s all in your frame of mind! Anyone can shimmy and shake! After that I watched some old Betty Hutton movies and even toyed with the idea of becoming a burlesque performer myself (Virgie inspired me, what can I say, but I don’t think I’m there just yet). And then I just started to fucking dance again! DANCE!!! Why did I ever leave you?!

You don’t even know…I have loved to dance my entire life! I still remember dance routines from when I was five and six years old (but don’t you dare put me on the spot–talking to you Jery). I went out dancing with some friends to a BBW club in Oakland and had the greatest time! When I was dancing it was like I reconnected with my body. I reconnected with dance! I found myself sexy even if I’m a big fat white valley girl, I felt fantastic! And that feeling (after the soreness went away) bled into my wanting to dance every day! And I try to do just that. Even if it’s just at home with the pug or in my cafe with my iPod. I dance! And I love to dance! And I feel fucking awesomely sexy doing it!

I see my boobs jiggle when I shimmy and my booty bounce when I shake my hips and it feels so fabulous. And if you’re unfamiliar with the more goth style of dancing, it’s a lot of slow and expressive, but fluid arm movements. You can go in any direction with dance and feel sexy. I’m not talking about looks here, I don’t always look sexy when I dance, but I can feel it every time if I want to. The music matters, too, of course. Luckily for me the new Lady Gaga has proven to give much need for some dancing around my apartment (the pug just doesn’t understand and gives that side cocked look of confusion every time while the tabby protests and leaves the room, too funny). I just can’t help it now. If I hear a good beat, a great song or an old time fave? I start moving now and I love that! I had forgotten how to do that.

What really sealed it for me though was fantasizing! I hadn’t fantasized in a sexual way in ages. I had forgotten how! And then I had an erotic dream that gave me plenty of inspiration and when I woke up I didn’t want it to end (we’ve all been there, right?) and so I fantasized the continuation of it. And then I realized how powerful that was and felt. That I could just fantasize about something and get all tingly? Fabulous!!! And so I did and I do. And I put on some music, have a glass of wine and I dance or fantasize and if my husband isn’t around I’ll masturbate with this fantasy in mind and nothing feels sexier!

So today I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and even my hair is a bit dorky, but you know what? I totally feel sexy! I’m having a great boob day (when they just look fab for whatever reason) and while it’s laundry time for sure, I just feel it! I feel it mostly in my hips, but any booty shakin’ is good in my book!

So how do you make yourself feel sexy? Did you forget that part of yourself, too? How did you get it back? What do you fantasize about? What makes you dance? Tell me, babies, because I love this and I love you and we should all just dance and juggle and shimmy-shake and have the best time of our lives! <3

They DO exist! They aren’t mythical creatures from the great unknown. And guess what, you may already know them and they may already be on your side (or by it)! Remember an ally is someone that has joined together in an association for mutual benefit or to achieve some common purpose, whether or not explicit agreement has been worked out between them. And just because someone isn’t fat does not mean that they don’t identify with the body politics of fat acceptance. We can all agree that the “cultural ideals” we are inundated with on a daily basis are no good for anyone. Also, by meeting new people and developing relationships you can inform them on your own beliefs and find how much they agree or have in common with you. 

I have been surprised to find how many of my friends share similar beliefs but perhaps didn’t know how to express it. When I tell them about fat acceptance and what it means to me and has done for me, there’s really nothing to argue about. We can agree on so much and build from there and that’s mega-rad! I think more and more people today are sick of being told what is acceptable and what isn’t. We all just wanna live our lives the best we can and not be dictated to on a daily basis, ya know?!

One thing I think we all need to remember is that our allies, be they fat or not, are in it for the common good. FA is not a selfish endeavor, hardly. It’s a heck of a lot of work and you have to have the spoons or sanity points to stick with it and not cave to the haters. You have to be brave enough to not hide and to be fat in public. Our allies may or may not know what that feels like, but we ca tell them and we can show them, no fat suit required (or allowed, thanks).

I think we must also be a bit more welcoming of newbies. Please, don’t automatically smack someone down for using the wrong terminology for something. If they use the word “overweight” explain why it makes you uncomfortable or is not an acceptable term in FA (this applies to many words, obviously). Just as someone new to say feminism may not know on their own why it’s not cool to use sexist language, they may not even know that what they are saying IS sexist, you don’t have to beat them into submission to get your point across. “Manners are free, Use them Freely” (Whoa, I so just quoted myself, Ha-ha!)

No matter what our allies look like or where they may come from, it takes more than adipose tissue to be Fat Girls* and I do think that anyone can be, it’s more in the spirit than the flesh! It’s the simple philosophy of non-conformity and rebellion! So don’t be afraid to have deeper discussions on the matter or to reach out to someone who is struggling with their own body issues. We all started somewhere. If you can love without judgment then, I think, you can live without fear.

Thanks,
<3
S

*Y’all! If you haven’t seen the movie “Fat Girls” go rent it! It’s fab!

I waited a long time to see the film “Precious.” Not because I didn’t think it’d be good, but because I had just opened the cafe and was frankly too broke and tired to manage a trip to the theater. So yesterday, after seeing it in my Netflix que for far too long, I finally watched it. Wow! I was blown away and so many emotions washed over me (good and bad). I already loved Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe from watching her various interviews and guest appearances on many TV shows (she is the greatest, y’all!). Her performance? Incredible and flawless. What truly did me in though was Mo’nique‘s performance. She earned that Oscar win, for real! I didn’t see Mo’nique on the screen at all. I saw a monster. I saw an abuser. I saw more than what was actually on-screen, too. (Trigger warning for abusive relationships and living through that and descriptions of it, too)

What I took away from the film was that no matter the year, the age, the gender of the abuser, they somehow all manage to use the same damned tactics. Could this be instinctual? A common mental disorder (as in common in abusers)? I don’t know the answer (if you do, please comment). I do know that watching Mo’nique play the role of the mother of “Precious Jones” was very difficult. I was angry, bitter but in the end mostly just sick. It reminded me so much of what I went through with an ex-boyfriend/abuser. Those mind games and violence. The feeling before unconsciousness when you wish you wouldn’t wake up at all because damn that would be so much better than waking up only to have to clean up after the mess the abuser made trying to hurt/kill you.

It brought me right back to the point where I began to fight back, I had no other option, I was trapped! That look of fear in his eyes when he realized I was far stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I saw that in Precious’ mom’s eyes, that fear. Then the realization that I could just as easily become an abuser through using the same bullshit tactics. Scary stuff. It just came flooding back to me and I had to breathe through it a lot. The burden of guilt and shame abuse survivors carry with them for many years if not forever. I recall a very long period of time where I didn’t talk about what I went through and pretty much refused to acknowledge it at all. When I did finally half-mention it no one (my friends anyway) was surprised and appeared to want to change the subject. I took this as a cue that I shouldn’t talk about it.

Then more recently (in the past year or so) I started to tell people. New friends mostly, but I blogged about it, too. Then one night while having dinner with my husband at Carrow’s (sorta like a Denny’s but with more variety) and he just asked flat-out what I went through. I described to him things I had forgotten. I explained for the first time what things felt like, but he had to ask what I felt emotionally because until then I had only described the physical pain. He asked more questions and when I was done I looked up at him and it felt like I’d come out of a trance. It was as though time had stopped while sitting there describing these terrible things. He just hugged me and thanked me for sharing it with him and asked if I needed anything. I didn’t. The weight of it had been lifted. I remembered more than I had wanted to or had ever before, but I felt better having done so, too.

Watching “Precious” and seeing someone reach out to her in a way that made her feel that there would be life outside of her horrifically abusive home…well, I was just floored! No one ever reached out to me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if they had. I can’t possibly know. Even when a friend saw me get beat up right in front of her (we had practically grown up together) she said nothing, even in private. Everyone who knew simply distanced themselves from the situation or disappeared all together. I can’t know for sure, but I often believe that things happen for a reason. I’m not at a point in my life yet that I can point to that reason, but it will come.

My point in writing this is that I simply want to offer myself up as the person who is reaching out to any and all abuse victims/survivors. I have zero degrees and have never had therapy myself, but I am a willing ear and shoulder and whatever else you need. You are not alone in the world or in your situation. Reach out and I will listen and help in any way I possibly can. Please do email me: notblueatall@notblueatall.com You can remain anonymous if you wish, I would never betray that and you can tell me anything. I won’t judge. Let me know how I can help! Please!

Thank you for reading.

<3
S

Notblueatall Podcast Episode Two (Player at the bottom)

Or on iTunes (Please subscribe if you can, Thanks!)

My guests this time were Brenda & Julie of TheBustyTraveler.BlogSpot.com Do check it out!

The post we were talking about “Double Double Featurette”

We talked about her friend Psycho Sue’s Blog: Sew Misunderstood-Fashion for Wayward Girls

Brenda’s Skirt tutorial!

Road to Wellville Trailer

This is the Etsy shop I got my “Know Fat Chicks” button!

Post on the LiveJournal Community Fatshionista about activism and grass roots ideas

My post with the business card that has a positive body message.

You Are Beautiful

Scene from Heathers that Brenda quotes:

(This will be a long post, just to warn ya!)

I get these daily emails from “The Universe” (via www.tut.com, it’s free, check it out!) and this morning’s just made me laugh and smile and then Whoa! Made me think about last night, a lot:

They bring me to tears every single day, Sarah.

They’re almost too much to bear.

Sometimes, I even wonder how it’s possible…

Of course, I’m talking about your supernatural resilience, your steely courage, and your gritty determination.

YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, and they shall say THANK YOU, DUDE.

Thy kingdom come,
The Universe

(It was the “Thank you, Dude.” that made me laugh) Moving Mountains? Hmm…

Last night I was treated to an evening with Michael Moore. Yes, that Michael Moore! He was being honored that evening at San Jose State University with the John Steinbeck award. There was a vibration of sorts in the auditorium. Anticipation can do that, from a crowd of individuals to a humming sea of oneness. Though they started late (nearly an hour I believe) it was well worth the wait.  (for more info, video, etc http://www.michaelmoore.com)

I have seen all of Michael Moore’s films, read a few of his books and follow him on Twitter. I look up to him in a way that is difficult to describe. He’s sort of the hero of the underdogs, I think. He’s the hope for the hopeless at times. He’s the fearless for the fearful. Or something like that. If nothing else, he’s a great filmmaker and a patriot. Seeing him last night and hearing him describe how he grew up in an idyllic town, Flint, Michigan, in the 1960’s nearly broke my heart because I knew what would follow, the reality that is his great state, today.

I believe Michael Moore to be a humble man and a speaker of truth. And what a great speaker he is! I admire his mind like few others in this world. I don’t think that he gets the amount of respect he deserves and probably never will. His reputation and eventual legend will be the kind allotted only to the great authors of the 19th and early 20th centuries. He will be missed like a Truman Capote, possibly. Being in his immediate presence (first row, baby!) I had expected to feel his presence or spirit or what have you. I didn’t. What I felt was a kinship for a man who has worked tirelessly for decades seeking truth and justice for the working class folks of the USA. And last night, while speaking to a packed auditorium, laid out the harshest truth that could be delivered: it is now the Corporate States of America.

*sigh*

My heart sank with the weight of this truth as it quickly absorbed into my mind. It’s true, isn’t it? We, Americans, own nothing. Everything worth anything has been bought or stolen. He got fired up about the state of our government, too. I wish I could quote him word for word, but it boiled down to a moment that I will describe here as white-hot, after being asked about certain companies: “We all know what they’re doing! We know it! We all do! I don’t need to tell you.” He slammed Obama about the Health Care Reform Bill, about the two wars, about keeping wall street insiders inside the white house, about liberals policing the left so they don’t go too far in that direction…he does give Obama credit for some things and hopes for nothing but greatness over the next two years in office. But?

Yeah, it’s very difficult for me to even consider myself slightly patriotic these days. I’m not treasonous or anything, but dang, man…this government of ours? They don’t make it easy for anyone, except the wealthy, certainly. Yet their greed dictates our nation. Their hatred and bigotry create nothing but exactly that. They destroy not only lives of individual families but entire cities and towns and states (California, Michigan…). For what? More money, more power, more say in what we can and cannot do in our personal lives.

Early on in the evening’s talk, the subject of Michael Moore’s “TV Nation” show was brought up and how he used to go to CEOs of corporations and ask them to do whatever it is that their company does. For instance, the one CEO who stepped up to the challenge was from an Auto Manufacturer, Moore asked him to change the oil in his Chevy Bronco, and he did! Wow! Sweet! But most could not oblige or simply refused to participate. This says a lot to me as a small business owner, because it is one thing to run or manage a company, but something entirely different to have the ability to quality control, in a real sense, what is actually going out to the public. For me that means every latte, mocha, smoothie and panini are made, by hand, by me, the owner. The bigger a company gets though? Yeah, the likelihood  of  the upper management being involved at all in the day to day or even month to month? Not gonna happen!

Please, don’t get me wrong, I was moved by Michael Moore. I was on the edge of my seat at one point, hanging on his every word! He asked who was voting in November. He asked if anyone intended on bringing ten people with them to the polls. He wanted to know who was running the phones that night, reaching out to voters or would-be voters. He has a way with words. I was very pumped up. But then of course the other side of this had to be addressed, that the democrats aren’t really doing anything at all. That our so-called majority is a bunch of cowards. And this I believe to be true.(For the record, I’m non-partisan, but lean so far left that I’m often seen as a hippie.)

I’m just going to lay this out there on the line, but as long as politicians are required to fundraise for their millions of dollars campaigns? They will continue to be lily-livered idiots who want nothing but more fame, wealth and glory. *barf* I personally believe that a congressperson should not be allowed an income greater than the median income of their own congressional district. They should also have to fly coach, stay in dormitories in DC (instead of 5 star hotels) and actually be held accountable for their actions. Crazy, I know! I also think it’d work best if congress & the senate were made up of regular folks in a sort of lottery system. Radical? Yeah, so?! It’s what I think. And we certainly need some seriously radical fucking change RIGHT NOW!!! Because I am sick of being ashamed of my nation and it’s government. I’m sick of feeling shit upon by a bunch of older, rich, white, men! I’m appalled by the actions of the people in power who are supposed to be representing the people when all they really do is represent the whims of the corporations who sponsor them. UGH!

I nearly cried when Michael Moore talked about his hometown in the 1960’s. It seems like a fairytale to me. But it also seems like what life should be and was and could become again. But dammit, we have to fucking rise up against these idiots of power and demand our rights back! We have to demand to be heard and fight for what’s right! Because they’re holding us fucking hostage and aren’t we all sick of it? Does anyone you know LOVE the way things are done (has anything gotten done lately?) in our government?

When Moore talked about his trip to Cuba for his movie (and excellent film), “Sicko” he correlated it to Iraq. Stay with me now. He said, “What did Cuba do to deserve a 50 year embargo?” Damned if I knew (I seriously need to read some history books, man). It seems the people didn’t like who was in power and they rose up against them. He said that if Iraq truly hated Sadam Husein, they would have risen up against him! That it wasn’t up to us to do it for them. He mentions how we asked for the help of France in our own revolution against the Brittish, yet they couldn’t have fought that fight for us. And in Iran, where we all feel as though we are on the brink of yet another irresponsible war, the people are choosing to rise up. They are organizing and they will rise up on their own. They will find a way, just as so many other nations have done so before them. And it is not up to us to do it for them, it is their fight and their revolution! Wow! The truth. It doesn’t need to be shouted from a rooftop when it speaks so loudly all on it’s own!

I do love Michael Moore. I enjoyed seeing him in person and hearing him speak his mind in a fairly relaxed setting. I smiled a knowing smile when his shirt puckered open a bit exposing only a hint of white belly beneath it. I smiled knowingly, too, as he made so many familiar gestures to me. The gestures of someone uncomfortable being publicly fat. His tucking the rogue shirt button into his belt, the adjustments of his blazer, etc. And then he mentions his preference (true or not I don’t know) for fat-free brownies (discussing California’s Propisition 19 to legalize marijuana which Moore has never actually tried but said before he dies would like to try at least a brownie to see what it’s like). He said something funny about how the discussion had suddenly turned to dieting tips. He said “you can’t find a salad in Texas if you drove 100 miles.”

*bows head in sadness and frustration*

This man whom I respect so very much and I find to be a true American hero if there ever was one, appears to me to be a serial dieter. And who can blame him? He’s been attacked for his size in the media endlessly! Not one major media outlet can discuss his films or books without also referring to his girth, weight, insert other fat-hating euphemism here. How can such a great mind and activist be caught up in all of the dieting myths? I admit, I was saddened. So to him, I have the following to say:

Michael Moore, you don’t have to be ashamed of your body! You don’t have to stay on the dieting hamster wheel forever. You can be healthy at any size! You don’t have to follow the rules of the diet industry. You can enjoy food and your life simultaneously. You deserve to feel good in your own skin at it’s current size! I encourage you to poke around the interwebz a bit and maybe even check out this incredibly enlightening book by the wonderful and talented Linda Bacon PHD. I ask of you only to open your mind to the possibility that we’ve been lied to by our government for decades because the big food corporations and diet industry have been funding it! That big Pharma only wants sick Americans while the “health care” industry refuses to treat us for ailments created by these corporations. Look to our Surgeon General Dr. Regina Benjamin. And look around and see that we deserve better than what’s being shoved down our collective throats! You are worthy of happiness and self-acceptance! And who knows? Perhaps getting off the dieting loop will free up some of that incredible brain of yours to do what even you thought impossible in order to change our country for the better. I know you can do this, because I have!

I am an average, hard working, small business owner, fat acceptance blogger, fat activist, wife, sister, daughter, auntie and friend. I weigh around 300lbs and I am happy and healthy! I care a great deal about my health. I care a great deal about the truth and fighting for what’s right. I believe that this lie we’ve been fed for all of these years was constructed similarly to those HMOs you mentioned last night, sir. For profit and nothing else! Just as you mentioned having to force these health insurance companies to pay for the very coverage they provide, we must force our government to stop oppressing Americans with the threat of OMG!OBESITYKILLS! It’s a bunch of crap and deep down, you know it! Please, consider a better life for yourself and for all Americans. Consider fat acceptance.

Together, I know we can move mountains!

*bows*

Thank you,

S