NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Not Proud (*TW)

July17

*Trigger Warning for Food Issues

I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have been trying but then I let things slide or drop or actually do myself a disservice or harm. Ugh!  I don’t know why I do it or how it starts but I am trying very hard, now, to not let it happen again.

I have been pushing myself and practicing everyday (except Sunday) for my dance number. I have some injuries that I’m having to work through and deal with, but that’s not really the worst part. The worst part is that I’ve been so busy and happy and excited and tired and caffeinated that I haven’t been eating. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it’s the truth. There were at least four days last week where I didn’t eat any solid food (read: coffee and water) until after 8pm. And even then it was little things like a banana, a plum, a yogurt or a small salad or a single piece of chicken. There were other days where I later wondered if I’d have eaten at all had I not been around other humans.

I feel really dumb for allowing myself to neglect my body’s needs. My brain needs food to function properly. My body needs fuel to move and to heal. Now here I am just days away from my very first solo dance performance in over seventeen years and I feel unprepared. I feel afraid and ashamed. I keep seriously considering bailing out of it. I’ve never been a quitter, though.

I tell myself that I am losing sight of the point of it all: Joy! Dance brings me joy and gives me so much pleasure. So why put so much pressure on myself? Why become my own worst enemy? Why am I hurting my body while trying to connect with it at the same time? Doesn’t make a lick of sense if you ask me.

The thing is, I was doing really well! I was conserving as much as I could and trying to establish a sort of routine in my new life of constant job hunting. I was buying my favorite summer fruits and veggies and getting a kick out of making fun and randomly put together meals for myself and then *poof* it went away somehow.

Stress always makes me lose my appetite. I know this, I was working on staying calm and not thinking about things I can’t fix or take action on and just living in the present, staying mindful of how I felt. All that jazz. I guess I shouldn’t be analyzing “where it all went wrong” and should instead be facing forward and just doing better now and tomorrow.

But I do feel like I not only let myself down, but my community, too. It’s silly, I know! Again, more unnecessary self pressure. Ugh! How can I represent my community and be a better activist, writer, blogger, person…if I’m not taking care of my most basic needs?! So this is where I’m at.

I just want to hit the giant reset button and forget about my failures. I’m allowed that, right? Maybe I’m being so hard on myself because I don’t feel that I deserve the amount of happy I was feeling last week. It was a lot, lemme tell ya! I never felt like I should be allowed to feel so good without somehow earning it. I don’t know why I’m struggling with the things I am right now. Unworthiness about a lot of things, not least of which is being in love with my gorgeous boyfriend and all the happy he makes me. Why can’t I just accept and enjoy it?

Look, I’m hormonal and emotional and maybe tomorrow I will feel so silly for being so tough on myself. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time alone. I don’t know. I know that when this post goes live I will already be on the road to Portland and I hope this trip is everything I think it will be. I will be packing myself lots of snacks and fruits for the ride so I won’t continue this ridiculous disordered eating pattern. I fully intend to enjoy every moment I can and share it all with you, too!

<3
S

First, Feed Thyself!

June18

(Trigger Warning: Food issues)

When I am not feeling like myself, as was the case yesterday (and really the day before as well), I have found that I also don’t treat myself as kindly as I should or would like to. I tend to let a lot of things slide. Specifically, eating food. Mind you, I’ll almost always manage to get some coffee/caffeine in me, but only to stave off the inevitable headache. Yes, I did not eat until 7:30 pm yesterday and of this I am ashamed. I know better. I had food in the house. I just wasn’t feeling well, and obviously not thinking straight either.

I recall the long ago days when I was 19 and 20 years old living on little more than Taco Bell, Lean Cuisine and Jose Cuervo. Blegh! I could never do that to myself again. I know I was so depressed and truly suffering through the worst of my PTSD at the time (though I hadn’t a clue then) but I also didn’t really know how to eat or care for myself, either. How could I? I know at one point my grandma was worried about me and would pack me lunches for work, even though I lived and worked twenty miles away. Gawd how I miss her. Not because of the lunches, mind you, but her caring and loving and sense of humor and hugs most of all.

It is when I am not taking care of myself that I am truly letting myself, and those I care about, down. My grandma would scold me for not eating all day like I did yesterday. I can picture the face she’d give me and then I know she’d dash into the kitchen and rustle up some combination of simple, filling and awesome. When my family had so little, we always had Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. I looked forward to it all week! My favorite was the simple little green salad she’d serve before the main course. I didn’t even know what courses were back then, but I knew salad was so special and rare and my favorite!

I suppose growing up in a food insecure household meant that continuing food issues would be inevitable. I hadn’t realized just how much of our childhoods affected us as adults, on this topic specifically, until two weeks ago when I literally had nothing to eat in the house and relied on B for dinner one evening and felt like utter shit for it. He made no bones about it, of course, but how I felt was so triggering and awful that the next morning I went to the grocery store and spent $100 on groceries just to be able to breathe again. *Sigh*

I think I have used not eating as a way of feeling as though I am in control of something in my life when so much is truly out of my control. Like this one thing? I got this! Ugh! This is not who I am or want to be. I have worked very hard to break these patterns and behaviors. So why does it pop back up so suddenly now? Really things are going great for the most part. I just need a job! That’s it! So simple, three letters, all the difference in the fucking universe! I would have at least some relief if I knew whether I’d be getting unemployment money coming or not. I should be getting the word any day now, but it’s killing me! I just need to know so I can find another means of paying my rent in time if need be. I don’t know how I’ll do that, but I’m sure I’ll hustle something up somehow.

I also felt like a big phony faker on Sunday night and I hated myself for it. I went to my BFF’s birthday dinner and felt lousy and truly didn’t want to be there. My boyfriend (OMZ! I cannot believe I have a boyfriend! Ha-ha!) was supposed to go with me, but had work stuff to tend to. It was nice to drive up with “Q” but I think even she could tell I wasn’t the usual me. I did my best not to show how yucky I was feeling, but inside I just wanted to run the fuck away and hide under the covers. But I missed Steph so much and so rarely get to see her and if I’d bailed this time I knew she’d hunt me down and kill me! Ha-ha! It wasn’t that I had a horrible time or anything, but I did have to sort of grin and bare it through the evening. I felt like an alien, to be honest. I felt like I was surrounded by all of these smart and put together people with cool jobs and awesome lives and adult problems and here I am barely able to hold it together. Ugh!

Today is a new day and I shall treat it as such. I know how to care for myself, certainly better than the last few days. I will be more mindful of how I am feeling and listen carefully to what my body needs. I distinctly recall three times yesterday where I heard my stomach growling and rather than paying attention and providing food/fuel for my body and brain I actually thought to myself, “Ugh! Why are you growling? Shut up!” Whoa! NOT ME! I guess I just needed some comforting and didn’t know how or who to ask for it. I mean, I don’t think anyone else even knew or could know at the time that I needed such a thing, maybe I didn’t even know. I know now. But I also know that I wasn’t doing much to comfort myself.

Self care takes many forms. First and foremost should be the basics like food and water. I have not struggled with that part in so long I guess I actually forgot for a bit there just how that felt and can spiral into worse. I am glad that I was able to recognize it before it got out of hand. I know that I used to starve myself rather than ask to borrow a dollar from a single soul back in those Lean Cuisine and Tequila days. Older and wiser, eh? Ha-ha! Okay, I can do this. I will do this…there is no try, only do! 😉

Randomness is Random

May20

I would love to see a blog called “Perfectly Portly”…someone do this! 😉

Dance rehearsal was hard and good and a bit emotional. Our progress is fantastic when only a week ago we had just half a song choreographed. I  got that runner’s high thing again, it’s kind of awesome. I keep getting asked if I’m excited or nervous and I am, but it still somehow doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me also just wants it over with. Ha-ha!

If you’re local to San Francisco/Oakland area and are interested in seeing me perform for the first time in 17 years, or just want to see a fantastic body positive dance show (OMZ! It’s the best!) there are TWO chances: Saturday, May 25th at 8pm or Sunday, May 26th at 2 pm. Get your tickets in advance to save some time and money: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/378829

I paid for my NoLose registration…I cannot wait to go! Hoping and wishing and visualizing awesome job so that I can pay my credit card off and my hotel room. I may have to drive, but I’ve been itching for a road trip anyway. It’s in Portland, Oregon this year. PDX is like my favorite place not in California, so WOO!!!

Did y’all see that ReDress is back?!?! This is where I’ve gotten all of my Teggings!

A pic of me & Raven from the Fatty Affair Family Picnic a few weeks ago:

Gawd we are so aforable!!! Ha-ha! Both wearing Eshakti (current) and I’m not in love with vintage cocktail hats from the 50’s because of this little white one I’m wearing. Do you have any of these? Hit me up!!! I am dying for a black one! 🙂

Today is my last day at my current job. I have some interviews this week and I am feeling good and hopeful. I had a great weekend with wonderful people who made me feel special and cared for and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m excited about it once again.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

“Everyone Says Good Good Eat!”

January23

And now for something completely different…

So last week for work I got to go to the Fancy Food Show in San Francisco! It’s a little hard to describe, but let’s see what I can manager here:

Picture a giant arena, but rather than a stage and endless seating, think exhibition booths…for food! Like all the kinds of food! It’s colorful and magical and aromatic and wondrous! Everyone is having a good time, everyone is chatting and mingling…it’s like a giant party for snacks! Well, more than snacks, I mean just everything! It’s not all sweets, so it’s not like Wonka’s pad, but that vibe for sure! I was there representing HappyGoat Caramel and giving everyone samples. I probably talked to a thousand people.

I wasn’t feeling my best the first day of the show, but the last day I felt great. I took a lunch break and just walked around the international section…completely blissed-out! Like, seriously? I still have a smile on my face! I had a bit of this and a cup of that and a taste of delicate little those and it was all so lovely! I felt like a friggin’ princess! Forgive me, but it’s true! I felt fabulous, like a dream! The Moscato sample really helped (my fave)! Then ravioli fresh out of the skillet with spinach and ricotta filling and freshly shaves Parmesan…served by a lovely and smiling Italian man! I mean? What the fuck more could you want out of life?! Ha-ha!

Actually, people watching was the most fun for me. It’s like shopping because so many people and so many styles and styling, but also, I am in a head space where nearly everyone is majorly attractive to my eyes! It’s nice, believe me! Ha-ha! I felt like I was getting paid to flirt and offer people candy! Technically that is pretty much it, but it sounds so salacious! Ha-ha! I love it! I can handle salacious! Anyhoo, food! I didn’t even try that much stuff, honestly. It was a feast for the eyes as much as anything else. Just amazing!

The best part was watching people’s faces as they tried our caramels and sauces. They’d come up to the booth with their poker face and turn dreamy and childlike. It’s like you’re watching them frolic in their happy place in their heads! To make someone feel that simple joy? It’s a special moment, y’all, truly! I enjoyed chatting and flirting and laughing and having a great time with them all. Food is such a memory inducer and bonder (is that a word?) of people. You know what they’re tasting and understand what they must be feeling…even when they get all “notey” about stuff (like wine talk with the notes of this and the nose of that) I love it! They geek out and I smile and soak it up!

The title of this post is from a Taiwanese snack company. It’s the slogan on their fruit flavored soft candy packs. It has this cute little girl on it. Like this one, only in pink with strawberries and stuff:

Anyway, it was a lot of work and a lot of fun. The city was blustery and cold and I couldn’t wait to get out of their after the long days. Everyone loved our products and it was a blast to see so much cool stuff and people, too! What an experience?!

Open To Possibilities: Part Two

January9

Okay, you know how I said all of that stuff about being open to possibilities? Well, you should also try a bunch of new stuff, too! Because…I mean…Ohmigawd!!! I just had the most amazing meal!!! This is going to sound so silly, but being around other foodies is awesome! And these people are real foodies! We had a dinner meeting at work, only we went to a restaurant for dinner, and it was possibly the best meal I’ve ever had. At the very least, it was the most adventurous.

I grew up with very bland food. Lots of meat and potatoes and rice and frozen vegetables. We were poor, it’s just what you do, no big. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I’d even had real Mexican food let alone Indian food. So my palate developed and evolved and changed over the years. I enjoy the food network and cooking channel (though cooking channel wins in my book). Food has become more than a thing I use as fuel for my brain and body. It’s become an interest and a passion. Owning the cafe certainly fanned my foodie flames when I had to come up with my own panini recipes. I got into it for awhile, but with the stress and all I soon lost my appetite and passion for food.

As I put time and distance between myself and the cafe, after it sold, I slowly regained my interest and perhaps now my passion! I started watching some fave shows again and cooking again and baking. Slowly but surely my desire to try new things came back, tough slowly. But I must say, after tonight? Wow! I mean…I’ve been watching Iron Chef (Japan) for years and years and have only seen these things on tv. Now? Those amazing things are in my belly!!!

The restaurant was called Prospect and I can’t even remember everything I tried tonight! Here’s what I do recall having: Fois gras on persimmon toast, sweet breads with some savory sauce and frieze`, some kind of amazing Italian cheese stuff that starts with a B, and the best duck to ever hit my tongue, Meyer lemon creme` brulee`, a rather nice pinot noir (from Oregon, 2007)…OMIGAWD!!! I think I have a food hangover! Is that a thing? Ha-ha! I came home nearly hopping up and down, only I was a bit sheepish because I knew how much my husband would have wanted to try these things. But I did gush about it, I won’t lie!

It was a mind blowing, life altering experience and I haven’t even mentioned these incredible people I’m working with!!! They were so nice and awesome and I was so full but had mentioned wanting to come back to try the creme` brulee` and they insisted we all share it so I could have my favorite thing! I mean…the nicest fucking people, y’all! Mind you, this was only my second day! It’s all so fantastic and I am really enjoying myself. I don’t know where this job will lead me, but it’s already broadened my horizons and made me try things I would normally be too scared to!

I am staying open to any damned thing! This has been such an amazing week! I mean…from NYE on, baby! Revoloosh!!! Ha-ha! I am serious though, I want to push myself out of my comfort zone because that is where the good shit happens!

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