I remember this feeling. This feeling of being so alone yet surrounded by people who love me. It feels wrong yet sweetly painful. When I get like this I dwell, deep and hard! Oh yeah, baby! But seriously, I get caught up or under a spell or something. I reflect and think. It’s probably healthy in some ways. In others quite the opposite, mentally speaking. I always manage to come out of it though. Usually with the help of friends. Scratch that! ALWAYS with the help of friends. Yet the two I have known the longest and have help me the most feel so far away from me right now. I feel I have distanced myself from them.

I fear they might recognize my same old shit. My letting my emotions run my life! Oh same old Sarah! Ha-ha! Wasn’t I saying just a few days ago that I wanted to celebrate my melodrama?! What was I asking for?! Ha-ha! I can only hide from my own bullshit for so long I suppose. I feel not quite so shattered as the other day. My mind begins to race any time it’s idle…which is apparently a lot. I was just explaining to my husband moments ago that writing helps me slow down my thoughts and sort them out. Jeanette suggested doing so and she’s been right about pretty much everything else ever, so here I am. Pouring my heart out onto this digital page for all to see. People often praise me or feel in awe of my ability to turn off the filters and just say what I feel. What is most frustrating is how few people in the world choose to do that.

Words are what can heal or harm for me. Words can throw me into a euphoric state of bliss! They can tear me down to nothing and I will only want them more. Funny thing about calling myself a writer and being so uneducated on the subject. Fuck it! I didn’t know shit about running a business either, but I did it. I lived with that decision for two and a half years. At some point it became agony. Many days I wanted to run away and never look back. It seems so attractive, running away. To just leave it all behind and start a new life. I’ve done that before, sort of.

I find myself reexamining things I haven’t even thought of in years. What my principles really are, you know, what I stand for. Remembering the fire within myself. Being dazzled by life. Being entranced by music! Gawd, how I had forgotten how fucking great it feels to just listen to an album or make a mix-tape! It is a joy of such simple and single mindedness. I highly recommend it. I have loved music, art and poetry for as long as I can remember (and I have crib memories). Somehow life made me forget how much it all meant to me, what words meant to me. I allowed this to happen. But art always saves, no matter it’s form.

Art and love. How could I ever turn my back on you? Music was my greatest passion. A song is always in my head, if not two or three simultaneously. When I turn a friend onto a song, artist or album and they really dig it? It feels like they understand me, that they’ve seen inside of my soul! I know how that sounds, bring on the melodrama! Ha-ha! I think being in touch with my feelings all of a sudden is good somehow. Like, maybe I had shut some shit down for awhile for a reason and now my system is ready to GO! Only I’m not sure where.

I have been pretty self accepting of myself for awhile now, no major struggles or anything lately. Grateful for that. But the last few days some things have come back. I feel like people are staring again. Had I just chosen to stop noticing or am I suddenly the most interesting thing in the room, everywhere?! Sometimes it gets to me, other times I relish in it. I’m a walking contradiction. I would prefer “charming” but wev.

I feel that deep longing for travel. Well, more specifically, the forgiving nights of Portland. I would fly there on business and soak up the night air like it might heal or save me. I would wander around town to the few local music stores and flip through dingy racks for secret gems. I would talk to store employees and felt camaraderie. I would walk back from Gustav’s drunk on Blackberry Margaritas with a belly full of Farmer’s Schnitzel and smoke the most delicious Marlboro light and bask in the misty glow of the moon!

When I went to coffee school I felt so alone. Determined and all, but alone yet not lost. I felt I belonged there, but I hear most do. I miss being comfortable there on my own. I’m never comfortable on my own. It’s like I’m afraid I will evaporate if I don’t have someone, even strangers, near. But in Portland I didn’t feel that. I would take walks along the water at night after class and let the snowy air bite at my face. In California I wince at even the tiniest chill. Funny that. Life seemed more precious there, like it hung in the balance. Like opportunity or possibility was just around the corner or in the next coffee shop. It pulls at me to return and be cleansed. If only I could get away for a few days and lose myself there.

I feel so tethered, though. Obligations, commitments, attachments, stupid fucking feelings…I can’t imagine making a weekend away on my own, happen. Impossible, actually. Or at least it feels that way. I need to refresh or reboot or whatever the fuck, to just center, ya know?! Shit! *StampsFoot* Normally I would cut loose and go out on the town or something. I don’t know that I have that in me at the moment. I do tend to find it when I need it, but even that isn’t the salve I need. I need deep philosophical conversations! I need art and poetry and love and nature!  But I repeat myself.

“Well, Darling, you’re siiiiick!” “They’ll hurt me baaad, they do it all the time, yeah they do it all the time…”

What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

Let’s,
The Universe
(I get these every weekday from www.tut.com, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!

Since many parts of the world are getting colder right now I thought why not try something different than the old Tank Top Tuesday posts and go in the opposite direction: Winter Wear! I also hope to do a coat shopping guide/options post soon.  Please see below for information on how you can submit your own pics and info for future posts. Thanks.

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This week’s submission comes from my good friend Robin! Woo hoo!

These were from last winter. It was so nice at the snow! I don’t have a philosophy or anything I am just happy with who I am flaws and all! ;0)

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Thanks Robin! You know I love you, gurl! <3

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to participate in “Fats in Winter Wear” posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on winter wear or other fatty philosophies. Have fun with it!

For additional content, links, aricles, stuff and more, please “Like” the blog’s Facebook Page. Thanks!

I think we sometimes get so caught up in our day to day lives that we tend to compress our hopes and dreams into very specific things. Sometimes we focus so much on what our dreams are that we forget that they may take a different shape or form. I know that this has been true for me. But after selling the cafe I was suddenly faced with, well, everything! I felt free of the stress and burdens of small business ownership and suddenly anything seemed possible! And nothing has proven this to me more than my new job.

I now work for happygoatcaramel.com and so far I love it. I never would have imagined taking a part-time position, but it feels quite liberating to me. It was all so unexpected. But I think it’s a good fit and I have many ideas for the future. So far 2012 (Woo!) has shown me the possibilities that are just waiting for me to take a bite out of in this world. I love that! I love being surprised by life in positive ways. I feel great because of it.

I’d been struggling with my knees for a few months now, but the funny thing is after NYE, despite the dancing and drinking, the next day my knees felt fine! No more pain! And the pain hasn’t returned! It’s like a NYE miracle or something. How is it that I drank as much as I did and danced way more than planned and ended up feeling BETTER the next day?! Ha-ha! It seems impossible, but it happened. Saturday was rough, actually, because I’d been limping from the pain in my left knee. Even walking the red carpet into the club that night I had a limp. I don’t know what happened, but I am so fucking grateful that it did!

I have a new found (or re-found) lust for life and a desire to get to know people on a deeper level. I want to maintain the relationships I have and meet new people and just keep doing that. I feel that this human connection we all share is the spice of life and is what keeps me going. It’s when I hide myself away that I grow depressed and afraid of the world. No more! But I will also listen and trust my body and if I feel the need to cloister, I will without guilt or shame. Because self-care should take precedence. We cannot help or care for others when we neglect our own health and well-being.

Though it’s only just begun, 2012 (Woo!) has already been a hundred times better than that last year. I felt at many times that I couldn’t go on or that things were simply hopeless. And here we all are on the other side and things are getting better, slowly but surely! And I believe in my heart that if I love with my whole self and treat people with love instead of judgment then life will show my proper path to whatever it is that I am meant to do. I feel it, like it’s on the horizon or the tip of my tongue…

Open yourself to possibilities and opportunities no matter what shape they may take and you will surprise yourself at what you can accomplish! Don’t let fear hold you back. Lose the shame and guilt and just enjoy yourself as yourself and just be you! Think about beliefs or thoughts you’ve long held to be true and re-examine them and how you feel about them now. Doing just that has lead me to some fun adventures and heartfelt discussions. Love those!

Take care of you, babies! I love you all! <3

Since many parts of the world are getting colder right now I thought why not try something different than the old Tank Top Tuesday posts and go in the opposite direction: Winter Wear! I also hope to do a coat shopping guide/options post soon.  Please see below for information on how you can submit your own pics and info for future posts. Thanks.

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This week’s submission comes from Amy!

I’m obsessed with fashion and love following your -and so many more!- plus size blogs.  I got all inspired by all the other plus size bloggers and just started my own: http://www.leighamy.com   Here are my new boots I was strutting around in today.

I think the most important part of feeling good about yourself, is to celebrate yourself and to not think in terms of “what you’ve got”/”what is good” but rather in terms of “what you’ve got to celebrate” / “all of it is good.”

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Thanks Amy! You look fabulous and glamorous! Woo!

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to participate in “Fats in Winter Wear” posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on winter wear or other fatty philosophies. Have fun with it!

For additional content, links, aricles, stuff and more, please “Like” the blog’s Facebook Page. Thanks!