My beautiful piggy got shipped out today, back to her home away from her decorator/designer/etc…and back to the loving arms of Amanda where she can do more good than she ever could here. And so, I introduce to you and the world, my lil’ Piggy babe (don’t really have a name for her…Body Activist Pig? Meh.):

Isn’t she lovely? I love her to pieces! I put a lot of time into adorning this little wonder, and I am so glad to see the end result. For more information about the project she was created for, check out: http://fatwaitress.wordpress.com/ and say Hi to Amanda! This is her project and her passion and commitment to positive body activism inspires me and gives me so much hope for the movement! Thanks Amanda! You rock my socks, lady! <3

You ever do something that surprises even you? Yeah, I did that! I had considered entering a model contest, for the club I go to about once a month, but chose not to…until yesterday (the last day for entries)! I entered my info, answers to cool fatty questions and pictures. And hit submit! WHAT?! I know!!! What?! I don’t know what I was thinking, but it really doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s a fun idea and if I get picked, awesome. If I don’t? No biggie. I just can’t believe I did it at all!

I have been really pushing back on the ideas of presentation and how women are “supposed to look” and all of that bullshit. I generally don’t do things like wear make up or high heels or anything one could identify with a model. But shit, dude, I can break down those standards of beauty and flaunt my own version of it! I can be a model and a bad ass, right? Secretly, being a model for something/anything is on my bucket list. So is joining a book club…and tonight I might just fulfill both! A good friend invited me to join her book club and after some questions I accepted! Woo!

I am all about getting the hell out of my comfort zone lately and repeating the phrase, “Why Not?!” So, can I be sexy in Doc Martens? You bet your sweet Asparcreme I can! (I miss those ads, always cracked me up!) And if I don’t get into the semi-finals or finals or whatever, so be it! I tried! Ha-ha! Today is about possibilities. Tonight is about fun with my gals! Right now is about nourishing my body with these  lovely fresh blueberry scones (Trader Joe’s Freezer Section, yo!) and espresso! YUM!

I am nearly done decorating my piggy for Love Your Body Day and have been surprised at how much fun I’m having while doing it. At one point I had it all planned out, something flubbed and now I swear to you it is creating itself! My ideas? Out the window! This piggy knows what she wants! My hands are merely the instruments she’s chosen to beautify herself into her truest and most authentic form (sparkly)!!! And then I shall be sewing/repairing the dress I’d like to wear to the club tonight! Woo! I’m terrible at sewing, but luckily the repair is on the seam and that should be about what I can manage. I had meant to do it yesterday, but piggy demanded more of my attention! Ha-ha!

It’s Friday and I’m in Love…with The Cure! I heard “Fascination Street” in the car yesterday and have been listening to their best of ever since…non-stop (okay, I slept)! They are so great! I can’t even handle their greatness! I’ve fallen for them all over again. I love when that happens! Like a couple of years ago and I “discovered” The Pixies! Oh man, one of the best bands ever! I’d just never been introduced to them back in the day. Oh well, still plenty o’ time to love! Now to start my own band…another bucket list item for sure!

Tomorrow we visit our local Renaissance Faire! We have a bogo coupon and the weather should be just right! Woo!

What are you stoked about today or this weekend? What was the last thing you did outside of your comfort zone that you’re glad you did? I wanna hear all about it! Let’s celebrate something, shall we?! Woo!

The other night my husband was pondering his physical circle of influence, like where he walks the dog, places he interacts with basically. He wanted to clean up litter (angry that doing so on the freeway can get you arrested) in our neighborhood and possibly around his work. He considered the people he interacts with regularly, too. Co-workers, myself, neighbors or other people walking their dogs. This concept had never been made so plain to me before. I always appreciate his grand scheme ideas, but don’t always get or follow them. Or I’m that ugly voice of reason telling him that he can’t do it on the freeway. It’s no fun being that voice, but someone has to be it or we’d lose everything in the name of bail monies! Ha!

Last night we went to see the new film “Contagion” for the $4.50 Tuesday deal our local place has. I will say that the film is good, convincing, effective, horrifying…it’s good, I’ll stick with that! And it made me consider what/how/where/who I touch or come in contact with. Since I’m already fairly germaphobic, this just sent me right into a tizzy! Usually though, my toughest germ-zones are public restrooms or food places that don’t follow the safety laws. I have no trouble shaking someone’s hands or hugging my pals or what have you…but this film made me rethink it all! They quoted a statistic in the movie, something about how we touch our faces 3,000 times a day! Yikes! This freaked me out and I will probably obsess on that awhile. Ha-ha! But seriously folks, it made me think about what I influence on a daily basis. This has significantly changed for me ever since selling the cafe, but I almost think my human interaction (as well as sheer mileage) has increased!

I was chatting with a very good friend on FB the other night and we were talking about “The Man” and all of that sort of thing (“Damn the man! Save the empire!”), and I think I have come to some sort of chill head space around our current social situation. And I said to her, “I try not to dwell too much, but everything is so fucked up everywhere. All we can do, all I think I can do, is to have as much of a positive influence on myself and those around me.” I really liked the sound of that, as vain as that may seem. What about our influence on ourselves and others? What do we think and say to ourselves and how does that affect us on a daily basis? What about others? I mean, I can remember things said to me and around me at age 4 and 5 that still mess with my head. I didn’t choose to be influenced by that, it just stuck in my subconscious or whatever and I’m stuck with it until I can address and process it out I guess.

Because things are fucked up everywhere, we can only do what we can actually do. Ya know? Does that even make sense? It’s late when I’m writing this and so I’m not sure. But fuck it, I’m going with this…

Why not try to begin by influencing yourself in positive ways. You can branch out and try to influence your loved ones and co-workers and postal workers and so on. Why not? It doesn’t hurt! I mean, I forget myself sometimes and I really noticed when I started to pay closer attention to this stuff. And I feel so fabulous right now I can’t even tell you! I’m not drinking or anything, I’m just, like, I dunno…awesome? Can I just be awesome? That’s weird sounding, but it’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I like this feeling and want to perpetuate and infect it into everyone I know, in the best possible way! Ha-ha!

You ever hear someone laugh in a restaurant and their laugh makes you laugh? THAT!!! I want to do that to the people of the world, yo! Again, why not? I cannot think of a reason why I shouldn’t at least try. It’s like that whole random acts of kindness thing, or paying it forward. It makes total and complete sense to me. Perhaps it’s my grandma’s influence over the years (she was an RN), but most of my family has been service people. I’m damn proud of that, too! I often apply to jobs with something in my cover letter like this: I get a real kick out of helping people in nearly any arena. Customer service is a life philosophy for me and not just a career choice. I just believe in treating people with respect and a dose of humor and trying to help those who could use it! That could be why I have had so many spells of unemployment in recent years, but maybe not. It’s honest. Honesty is powerful! It can scare people. It can help people. It can hurt people. I get it, I do, but it’s also important. If you are not first honest with yourself, how can you be honest with others or expect  them to be honest with you?

Ever hear of fake it until you make it or some variation? That’s kind of what I recommend. I chose to stop lying to myself years ago and felt better about myself. I then stopped lying to my loved ones and eventually everyone. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I no longer say something looks nice on someone if I honestly don’t believe that it does. Seems trivial, but you try it out and get back to me! Ha-ha! And while part of me can be very negative and untrusting or protective of myself and others, there is always a little nugget of sunshine in there that seems to grow brighter as I trust in myself and in the truth. I have seen the power it has on me and its influence on my friends and strangers. It was easy to gauge in the cafe of course because people came to me. Now that I’m a free agent, I go out into the world in an active way. It’s much more difficult to see a change in people if you just happened upon them in some scenario. But sometimes I catch it! I can see it! Sometimes, I swear it’s true, just seeing a fat redheaded lady with a giant hot pink flower in her hair is enough to see a change in a person.

Yeah, it’s cheesy! Fuck it! By being happy I can make or help others be happy, so why the hell not?! You can do it, too! If you wanna…this isn’t like a mandatory thing. Ha-ha! By not actively hating myself or my body, I can go about the world with confidence and see how people respond to that. It’s shocking! And it’s just good for my mental health. I first saw body acceptance and fat liberation and purely political, but I’ve come to see it as down right therapeutic, too! I couldn’t as for more! <3

My husband and I recently watched the documentary, “Pregnant In America” on our Netflix instant watch (gotta love it). I had wanted to see it for awhile. Having previously watched “The Business of Being Born” another birthing in the US related doc by Rikki Lake and, “At Your Cervix” where the truth behind pelvic exams was revealed. All great documentaries! I highly recommend them all if you are even remotely interested in having a child in the United States of America. Because a lot of what we’ve been told, taught or marketed to in regards to women’s bodies and reproductive health, is, well…BULLSHIT!!!

I was born in a hospital. No complications, just a typical 1977 birth. My younger brother and sister, however, were born at home with a midwife. They, too, had no complications in their births (or should I say our mom didn’t). Yet somewhere along the line I grew a nice big prejudice against home births. I am not entirely sure why, other than I typically will rebel against anything my mother is for (I have not seen her in over 15 years). But getting my info on and watching these incredible documentaries has completely changed my mind!

I had grown fearful, over the last couple of years, of having a kid because of a lot of things. Mostly passing on genetic stuff, but also because there’s a damned good chance that I’ll have a fat child (who may also end up with my hair color, not bad, but kids are merciless towards redheads). Would the government take my child away because it’s fat? I couldn’t bear the thought of living through that. Or would I even get a say in the birth of my child while also being seen as too fat for anything in the eyes of the medical world? I read the blog WellRoundedMama and have found some great articles/info/resources there, but that fear still lingers.

When I read this post on AmpleProportions I was quickly reminded of my fears and the real threat to our rights as women in America, let alone the rights of the fat! Watching “Pregnant in America” sort of snapped me back to my germaphobic self in a way: hospitals are for the very ill, not for the newly born! I mean, babies don’t belong there! They don’t have fully formed immune systems and who knows who is touching your baby and if they’re washing their hands appropriately?! My husband has long said that he doesn’t want to have our baby in a hospital because they snatch it away from you the moment it’s released from the birth canal and instantly inject, weigh, test, “clean”, etc… when the natural thing is to clutch the infant to the mother’s breast, leaving the placenta in-tact for awhile, so that the natural hormones kick in and do what they need to do: Bond, initiate natural breast feeding and so much more.

Is it possible that the rise in postpartum depression has something to do, directly, with the westernized pathology of handling birth? To inject drugs (epidural) into the spine of the mother (can lead to so many problems I don’t even wanna talk about right now) so that she cannot feel the baby moving and may even be temporarily paralyzed until after the baby is born? You see, we’re natural baby makers, women. We and our bodies know exactly what to do, if we are unaltered and uninhibited. We will find the right position for us while giving birth, naturally! While OB/GYN’s have been trained to find pathology and complications where none exist all in the name of efficiency and profit! Laying on your back, legs splayed in the air, is not only not natural, but damned uncomfortable while pushing out a baby! I have completely changed my mind and I have no intention of going anywhere near a sick house (hospital) unless it’s an absolute emergency. They don’t want me anyway, I’m fat and have no insurance. Fuck ‘em!

I’m not pregnant and don’t have immediate plans to get there, but if and/or when  I am ready, I thank the stars above that these films and the experts and resources available today are there to inform and help me along the way. I cannot stand the thought of not being in control of my own body or infant. To interfere with a natural thing? Well, that’s bullshit! I won’t stand for it and I most certainly will not pay for it!

“This show has taught me that there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering. And that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things, often don’t feel worthy once they have them. There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of happiness.”

“We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough…

This show has taught me that you are worthy because you are born and because you are here. You’re being here, you’re being alive, makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”

“We are all looking for validation. Every person you will ever meet, shares that common desire. They wanna know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? …Try it with your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends, validate them: I see you, I hear you. And what you say, matters to me.” Oprah Winfrey (Her very last episode)

The above quotes weighed heavily upon me and stayed in my thoughts for a few days after the fact. I just watched her last three episodes last week. I’d saved them and put off watching for some reason. Good stuff, honestly! I was surprised. I’ve never followed Oprah closely. I’ve admired and respected her from a distance. You probably know why, too. That she is self & fat hating. But I do think she has begun to see the error of that thinking as time goes on. But this concept of unworthiness? That struck me! Like a bolt of non-lethal lightening!

Worthiness. We see that as something attainable, somehow. Yet just living makes us all worthy! I love that! You are enough! Just as you are! I wanna shout these phrases from rooftops, y’all! I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be a secret. For all I have been through in my lifetime, all that I have seen and been a witness to, all that I work for and toward…To know that I am still worthy? That is meaningful to me. I feel more grounded by the thought of that. It connects us to each other. It connects us, I hope, to our planet. I feel more a part of the universe itself, it’s limitlessness humbling and comforting me.

And it also terrifies me. To grow up feeling the need to prove myself worthy is a difficult thing to shake. I still catch myself trying. I hear myself say things to prove what I say or believe or just know. As much as I try to focus on the energy I bring with me where ever I go, I still find that I am that poor kid. Maybe now more than ever because I understand things I never did before. I have a different perspective than I could have had back then. My defenses may never leave me, but perhaps one day I will stop feeling the need to prove myself to anyone…even to myself.

This is where fat liberation connects to worthiness. Fat liberation (I know many of you prefer or have only heard acceptance, it’s the same thing really, but I prefer liberation), gave me the permission I needed to live my life now. To just accept and love and enjoy myself and my life. It gave me hope and cause and reason and passion. What am I saying, it gave me…it still gives me these things!!! It fuels my fires, baby! Ha-ha! Fat liberation gave me a new prescription in my spectacles that allows me to see beyond the mass-fed bullshit! And I love that!

And I am worthy. And you are worthy. And why can’t we just take that with us everywhere? (Where is my worthiness backpack?) I want to. I want to take it and share it with everyone I know! This should be part of the UN or something, I dunno. But it’s so important! This is amazing! This is a universal communication:

Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?

Think about that awhile. Think about actively using it. I want to. I will try to.  I have said such things to my friends, but I wonder how that feels to hear it? I mean, without some sort of prompt? I guess it could come off as strange or pushy, maybe…well, I won’t stop. It’s such a powerfully positive thing! I had no idea such a simple concept/word could affect us all so strongly. But it does and I feel better for knowing it!

Happy Friday to you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and letting me know when something I say means something to you. You make me feel worthy. You are worthy, too! <3